I’m not sure if this counts as recurring or not. But all of my dreams take place on boats. Some boats are HUGE cruise ship type boats and some boats are smaller but still fairly big. I don’t think about boats at all so I don’t understand why I have dreams like this. The boats always are considered similar to a town like that’s the “towns” my dreams take place in. Also the boats are never the same. Been having dreams that take place on a boat for about 5-6 years and I (knowingly) dream about 1-2 times a week
Anyone else experience this or know if it means anything. It’s so confusing to me

Hey everyone!
I'm not sure if this is the right subreddit for this but I wanted some advice on a situation with a friend.
So background context:
I (18F) am entering university this September, and am feeling pretty conflicted about my relationship with my best friend (18F) and I don't know how to handle it. Initially, I assumed she would be going to another university, so we could just drift apart and I could maintain a casual relationship with her. However, it appears to be that we'll be going to the same university, for the same program. This program only has about 200 students, so likely our classes will be the same, and so will our social circle. Currently, we're in a program with 60 students for high school and taking all the same courses and classes. Many of our clubs and ecs also overlap. So I basically am with her all day, everyday at the moment.
The issue: Before this friend, I used to be super social and had a lot of friends. Previously, I would hang out with a bunch of different groups, and if I ever felt like the conversation was boring or making me uncomfortable I would walk off from the conversation and wander to another group (essentially I was a floater). Typically, groups wouldn't be bothered by me walking off. Within the past few years, I have become more introverted. Thus, I'm more comfortable taking time away to be alone. However, while I now know being around people drains me and makes me feel tired, I do still enjoy it quite a lot. While I have become more introverted over the past few years. However, this friend is a lot more clingy. At the start of our friendship, when I would try to float off, she would trail me essentially, not letting me leave. Since she didn't really know most of the other friends on the same level, it made it difficult for me to go hang out with these other friends on my own (during the pandemic, so the only social interactions are for a half hour at lunch or the end of the day). I remember vividly once, I tried to walk off, and she latched onto the hook thing on my backpack so she wouldn't lose me in the crowd. I started to slowly feel trapped from this point forward. Even if I wanted to wander off just to be alone and go study, it became really difficult because she stuck so close to me. If I wanted to go to a club meeting, or anything, I more or less had to inform her. It feels like getting permission most of the time, and even then she tends to tag along. I understand that her intentions aren't bad, but I really just want to be left alone. I'm quite accustomed to my floating, and it gave me a sense of control.
Additionally, I had a massive fallout with my previous friend-group. It was a while back in 2017, however, it's taken me a long time to recover from that. Floating allowed me to maintain relationships without rushing into anything when I hadn't healed from my previous friend-group. I feel like her clinging on…I ended up in a friendship that I wasn't emotionally ready for, nor healed enough to handle.
Eventually, because she didn't want to hang out with other people - she's quite antisocial in nature - I would feel pressured to hang out with only her. Our high school cohort is about 60 students, so eventually people started to associate the two of us as a pair and would make remarks if I didn't hang out with her which furthered my isolation. Even when we do have moments with other groups, if she feels bored, or that they're wasting her time, I can almost feel the upsetness radiating off of her. I don't mind that they're wasting time and doing things slowly, it's a fun experience. Or at least it used to be…now all I feel is the wave of upsetness which keeps me from enjoying the whole thing. I feel like I have to leave because she wants to leave and that's the only way to appease her.
Additionally, she's very pessimistic/ cynical and egoistic. She often looks down on others and believes she is the best at everything. While I agree that she is very competent and capable, the way she expresses this makes me feel uncomfortable. She expresses it quite directly with me, however, I think other people can tell she feels that way based on the way she acts as well. As a result, people I used to be super close with have grown distant from me because it's clear she looks down on them. (Once again, I'm sure that other factors such as not talking to them as much as mentioned above contributes too, but her influence is on a level I can't control. This makes me spiral because I feel like I have no control over everything and I can't hold onto anything). I feel like I can't call her out because she'd refuse to accept it and I'd have to persuade her why she's wrong, rather than just having her accept it. I strugle to remember exact incidents unless I document it like this, and often just have the general idea of what's wrong.
Also comments like "You're being mean, or you've hurt their feelings" are often met with "So what? I don't care", the issue is I care. I don't like hurting people, and would rather try to fix things if I've made mistakes. I also don't like what that says about her. One day - such as the day I bring this up - if our friendship is over, will that be her response too? She won't try to be a good friend or good person, but will kinda go fuck all of it and hurt me without an ounce of remorse. I try to tell myself that different people have different perspectives, and I am not always right. However, no matter how hard I try, I just…I can't understand this at all, and it infuriates me.
Contrarily to her pessimism - as my mother is quite a pessimistic person - I have spent years working on maintaining my optimism, and trying really hard to be a good person. Obviously, she is not to blame for my mother's behavior. However, between the two of them, and because I'm around her all the time, I feel like I'm becoming more similar to her in this sense, and I hate myself for it. Of course, she's allowed to be cynical. I'm not saying being optimistic is always the right thing. There are many pitfalls, such as being naive, and getting hurt. Thus, I understand that being optimistic to the extent that I like to be, isn't for everyone. However, I hate how it's affecting me, and that it's around me all the time. I do appreciate our friendship, but I think this is one of our core differences that makes us incompatible
While I'm not soft-spoken, and will stand up for what I believe in, I try to avoid unnecessary conflict, and prefer to take a people-friendly approach. My friend is much more aggressive and often "rocks the boat" in group projects and friendships. This leaves me in a situation where I feel like I have to pick up the pieces to make amends because my own friendships are at risk. Additionally, even if I do agree with her point, I find it more difficult to solve problems (especially project wise) in the typical manner that I would. I can be more willing to find a compromise and handle it with less of a mess. It also makes me very, very anxious, and I hate it so much. We talked about it once and she said she knows it makes me anxious too, which makes it worse because she's still not willing to change, similar to the point about hurting others feelings. Another ex-bestfriend (18M) previously mentioned that it's technically not my responsibility, but I feel like people view her actions and feelings about things as similar to my own, which screws over my relationships.
Furthermore, she burned the bridge between her and the previously mentioned other best friend (18M), and tried to blame it on her not liking how he treated her. This also upset me, because I didn't ask for that. I also felt like because she had so much input on why my friendship with him was lacking, my pre-existing insecurities amplified. I realized wayy too late as to how unfair I had been. We had pre-existing expectations in our friendship for a number of years, and I suddenly went that's not enough. Our friendship was different and didn't tick every box, but that doesn't mean it was wrong? We both were happy, and that's what mattered. I realized at this point that I couldn't express that to her. Getting her to back off was difficult, and I started to feel scared of her to some extent. I was scared to talk to her (which surprised him, as it was atypical of me to be like this in any situation). Looking back, this was another clear red flag. Just the idea that I felt the need to shut myself down and not express myself is worrisome. (This male friend and I no longer speak for a number of reasons).
She's also known for crossing over boundaries, which caused one of my core friend groups to stop talking to her last year (and as a result of this and my ex-best friend (M18) being in this grp, I've also grown severely distant). While I can't blame the distance completely on her, I would have done my best to maintain one specific friend (F18) in the group if it hadn't been for other conflict she had with this friend. This event also caused me to realize how differently we often approach issues. She was quick to push the blame off herself. Typically, I tend to pull as much of the blame on myself as possible (also not healthy, I know M18 told me so), or if I do feel defensive. I try to apologize in the moment, sincerely. And I tend to reflect back often. I know that within the next few months, the heat of feeling accused will die down, and I'll be able to truly feel remorse from my actions and learn from them.
However, this crossing over of normal boundaries is also applicable to me. Often, we have to do what she wants if she's decided she wants to do something, regardless of what I want. While this is never directly stated, I always feel anxious to go against her and express that I'd like something else. Typically, I'm not like that with other people. The only way for me to disagree and say I'd like to do something else is to get on her level of pushy / aggressive, which I also find to be mean. I don't want to act like that. I also find it quite suffocating to express what I want because she's so pushy about what she wants.
This is further exacerbated by her parents. Her father in particular is very similarly pushy and has no regard for my boundaries. Last year when we went on a trip with both families to the Aquarium, they both made decisions about what we would be doing without me. My mom's quite sick and one of the activities (a visit to the beach) would cause her symptoms to appear. I tend to do most of the planning in our house and often have to be careful to take into account my family members' conditions in this sense. However, this impromptu decision to visit the beach got me in quite a bit of trouble with my parents, as they felt I wasn't being considerate of them. This made me feel really frustrated and trapped between everything. Additionally, my friend knows of my mom's condition. While I don't expect her to take that into account when making the decision, she should have informed me or had her dad inform my parents, and allowed for a conjoint decision. I also just didn't want to go to the beach - I was really tired at this point - but obviously (brown kid) I can't say that in front of her parents and argue.
Similar things happen for other decisions such as when we go out for other activities as well. Such as when we first became friends, often she and our other friend would want to go on walks outside (whereas I would much rather do anything else). I remember early on expressing that I didn't want to but they could go. Likely because my boundaries were ignored then and overstepped, I don't feel safe expressing that I don't want to do what she wants. And I know she won't take no for an answer through those experiences. So naturally, instead of going back and forth in an argument so I can not do what I don't like, I just am left to silently resign.
Additionally, we're both pre-med students, which creates a lot of competition. I do my best to find many extracurricular opportunities and scholarship opportunities (especially since I'm a first-generation student and my parents are unable to support me in ways that are not financial support due to various reasons). About a year after we first became friends - we've been friends for 3 years, since grade 10 - she and another girl who we were close with at the time, reached out to form a club behind my back. I know this probably sounds very foolish, but up till this point, I had shared the majority of extracurricular activities I had researched online. Additionally, I had founded a club a few months prior with both girls (we were all co-presidents), since they expressed interest after I had founded another club with another friend group. They had no intention to tell me that they were starting this new initiative. I had reached out to the organization to inquiry about stating a chapter for the three of us together and found out about it. It really bothered me and made me feel like I was being taken advantage of. When I expressed this at first, both girls shut down and got defensive. Neither was willing to admit they were wrong, and just tried to fight me. I am their friend? I was rightfully upset, shouldn't you at least apologize and show some remorse?
It should be noted that some months later, I expressed just how upset I was to the best that I could to both girls and we talked about it and came to an understanding. While the issue was resolved, I still think it's important context.
Now once again, this competition is further exacerbated by her dad once again. This year, I had compiled a database of scholarships. During a conversation, her dad had mentioned that we needed to be on top of things this year, such as scholarships. It had rubbed me the wrong way, so I had stood up for myself and mentioned we had a database of scholarships as a way to prove I was on top of things (I get told by my parents that I should work harder a lot, and it makes me upset because I'm really working my ass off). However, this prompted him at first to push my friend to show him this database and scholarship information. And as a result she became really pushy with me. Initially, I ignored her hoping it would go away. After all, I had saved her imo by telling him she was prepared which was a lie. She could have compiled something in the meantime to make up for it instead of bothering me about it so many times. She made me feel like I had to give it to her, that she was entitled to it. About a month in from this, he called me while I was at home, and spoke to me in...I don't even know how to describe it, but it was a pretty manipulative tone to get me to hand it over. I ended up handing over a couple of simpler ones I had (because I had spent hours researching those scholarships, and the information is also available to her on the internet, it just wasn't fair).
Plus, after the prior issue with the club, I assumed there wouldn't be anything like this. Exchanging homework was alright because it was quite evenly balanced, and often it was balanced our quite quickly due to the nature of school. However, this wasn't something she could pay me back for, and left me feeling used again. I know I was quite nice back then and helped people out a lot, but I hate being taken advantage of and treated like that. I also feel like it's just a shitty show of the other person's character.
I know that in this case, she knows her dad is in the wrong and tried to stand up for me at the start. I actually would probably just avoid him in a normal situation and not make a big deal of this.
However, I feel quite unhappy now, and as a commenter said, looking forwards 10 years I don't think the friendship in this state will be good for me. While I have thought of talking to her, as you can see above, either I have mentioned some of these things in some capacity and been dismissed, or the issue is who she is as a person. I sincerely believe that I have no right to dictate who she is as a person. But these core things disrupt my life and make things really difficult for me, so I'm not sure if I should keep putting up with them. I keep rationalizing to myself with "no one's perfect", "she's not completely at fault, I am top" and " I've also probably made mistakes and hurt her, I shouldn't make a fuss". However, as the commenter said if I'm unhappy then that's that. Forcing myself to continue feeling suffocated and unhappy because I feel guilty is just foolish.
Why am I still friends with her?
Well, while I am very isolated with no friends to hang out with, this connection feels more real? A lot of my old connections, I would wander around those groups, and no one would notice if I left. Sometimes, it made me feel really lonely like no one cared for me. They all felt like surface-level friendships. This often made it super easy to walk away when things got toxic (which I can't do right now), however, I often felt depressed and unfilled then. Whereas my friendship with her feels more genuine and deeper.
Additionally, we are quite similar in terms of SES and goals. It's quite easy to discuss familial issues with her when I need support, and from a financial standpoint, I don't feel pressured to spend with her either. Sometimes this can be stressful since she's more stingy than me, so I feel guilty for spending too (and therefore, going out with other friends and spending). We have also argued before on finances, and i sometimes can't understand why she's making such a big deal about things. I feel held back from spending as I please. However, unlike many other people; I never feel bad about saving. Using coupons, or points, or carefully checking multiple prices. We do that stuff together, so I don't feel bad doing it.
Our sisters have also really hit off, and it's a nice dynamic between the four of us and I don't know how they'll be affected or our families will react in general.
Being in a similar field means she understands not having the time to hang out (especially while we did IB). This expectation go hang-out more from my middle-school friends stressed me out a lot.
What I think is the best solution:
I'd love to remain friends and just have a crap ton of distance between us. The type of friendship where you see each other only on holidays (like once every 4 months?). That way we can quickly catch-up, and can be there for each other if needed, but I can go ahead and live my own life. Plus, I can find myself again and be the person I like.
I guess part of my worry with this is also clubs. We have many similar interests, and I want to join schools clubs without feeling tied down or running back into her. Often when I'm in environments with her around, I feel like I have to let her lead and I can't just be me and do me. I have to back off and step down or else she gets pushy. I tend to thrive more when I'm on my own without her whether that's working with a group or just leading in general. Even working with a group, while I've definitely gotten frustrated with them, we sort things out quite well because I'm handling situations with them my way. I want that back in every club in my life. But even now, pre-uni starting we've somehow managed to join the same pre-med club. And I feel like either we'll keep joining the same clubs or I have to back off and stop doing what I want to do cuz she's doing them to be able to unclip my wings and be free.
However, with us going to the same universities (in a city 2.5 hours from where we live now), I don't know how to get around all this. I also don't know how to tell her most of this without hurting her feelings. And even if I did, as I mentioned prior, the core of the issue is who she is as a person and how she carries herself. Just because I like being optimistic and nice doesn't mean I can force her to be that way. She's allowed to have her defense mechanisms, and we've discussed before how she believes her way of living is better than mine for her. (Her's being the pessimistic, and as she calls it "realistic" way, whereas mine is a lot more optimistic, sometimes naive, but imo it's simpler?). And no one has any right to say what is the right way to live for everyone? So that feels wrong...
I just want a casual relationship. I don't want to make an enemy out of her as I enter university because I have even less energy for that then the bs I'm dealing with rn. I just want us to be like friends, not best friends. And keep a lot of distance when we first go in. I feel like a huge part of the issue here is we passed the point in the friendship cycle where your supposed to drift off. Usually having that time away I feel like allows for a natural drift back in as you accidentally cross paths again. And I sorta want to just drift back now and naturally drift back to being friends later when / if it works out.
I guess the question is how do I explain all of this to her and reach a resolution without making an enemy out of her

I want to change the voice when I turn the boat to ultra quiet mode by pressing Ctrl+S
https://youtu.be/DRUpAipGu5w
The above video is from 'Red October' and within first 10 seconds of video is the sound similar to 'rig ship for ultra quiet', it is from the 'Crazy Ivan' scene in the movie
I am a fan of The Hunt for Red October and have seen the movie may times and also have read the book, hence I want to use that sound in game if possible.
Any help will be appreciated.

Not how I envisioned it as a little girl, but perfect as the adult paying 🤣
I am the youngest of 4. My older sister got married - she is technically my stepsister, but our parents got together when we were very young. I know my dad paid into her wedding, but no details on how much. I have a decent relationship with my dad, but haven’t asked for money since I was 16 and never, ever would. My mom recently lost her husband, my stepdad, and I’d never imagine asking her for money, although she would give me every dime to her name. I don’t want her to do that!
Some other context: my now husband and I have been together for 9 years! Have a 5yr old. We were engaged for 4 years and never got married due to financial reasons (mostly insurance). Well, a needed move to another state made it so marriage was more beneficial than not (romantic, huh? lol but worked for us - somehow, after all these years, still feels like the “honeymoon phase”).
Anyway - to the very quick and perfectly affordable wedding:
-Got my dress off the David’s Bridal clearance rack for $96 after tax. Had been looking for casual white dresses at department stores, but found this gem for cheaper and got to have a semi-normal “bridal gown” experience, albeit with just my man and I lol
-Our “venue” was on the harbor of a beautiful spot along the Emerald Coast of the Florida Panhandle. Admittedly, the incredible backdrop was all owed to a “we know a guy” situation, but either way, no permit is required and as long as you can kind of get in & get out
-Most expensive part: we had only 13 of our closest family and friends come. Took them to a fancy restaurant about 10 mins from where we were married. For everyone, including tip, the dinner cost us $850. This was easily the most expensive portion of our night
-The captain that married us (boat captain and pastor, but we aren’t religious) was $200
-Our son’s outfit cost $15 for collared shirt and slacks from H&M
-Husband wore clothes he already had & I wore shoes I already had
Just wanted to share as love is the most important & the rest is doable. I’m lucky enough that we could get away with “we’re moving and had to get married quick - couldn’t invite everyone!” Especially as a lot of family lived far, where I was born. But even those we loved that were close, I didn’t include if they had bad juju going on in their lives. Didn’t need that on my happiest day and have no problem admitting that. For example, one of my great friends that lived close & would absolutely have come, had her husband cheat on her multiple times while stationed abroad. She decided to stay with him, but was not the kinda juju I wanted near my wedding.
Like I said, I envisioned the whole kit and kaboodle of a wedding day, picking out my perfect dress, getting ready in a bridal suite with a legit photographer, my whole family and people I love able to make it. But that wasn’t in my cards & I’m just so happy to be married to my husband, that for us - it was perfect. And affordable!

Jacob will never purposely get her pregnant. He’s enjoying all the freedom he has to party and do whatever he wants. He KNOWS 100% without a doubt that Gray is taken care of and safe with Rach. She’s an amazing mom, and is doing an amazing job especially with everything she’s been put through. However, with Tuna Boat he knows he wouldn’t have it so easy. She can’t take care of her dog for more than 1 or 2 days due to vacations, boat days, girls days….the list goes on. No way in HELL can she be a mother and take on that big of a responsibility. Jacob knows he’d have no choice but to stay with her and play happy little family or she’d use the baby as a prop in TikTok’s calling him a shit dad right before dropping the baby off with pissy Rissa and Fin Fin.

Howdy, I've been looking to pick up bluegrass banjo recently and am wondering about some advice. I have been a guitar player for about 3 or 4 years and am relatively proficient at finger picking. Will this skill translate into playing bluegrass banjo specifically? If so, how much, and will this help make the learning curve a little less dramatic? Also, I know from personal experience that with instruments, you get what you pay for (meaning prices are often high), and am looking for a banjo that does not break the bank but is still a high quality instrument that will perform and last. Any ideas on where to start looking? That's all for now really. Your advice is really appreciated!

Today in Scottish History
1 June 1872: The death in New York of James Gordon Bennett, the founder, publisher and editor of the New York Herald.
/GlasgowMarket Digest
Looking for 2 blink182 tickets for sept 02nd. Have 2 sept 01st tickets to trade if interested
Selling a ticket for Riverside Festival 10 pounds cheaper than is currently priced.
Selling 4X tickets for Leftfield at the Barrowlands tomorrow
Games (Nintendo, Xbox, PC)
Comics for Sale
Clydesdale Bank Limited 1967 £1 Note
Selling Anime Blu-Rays
Alvvays
2 tickets for Jake Shears at SWG3 tonight.
Make It Market
Does anyone need a megabus ticket from Glasgow to Aberdeen today?
4 Tickets to Peat and Diesel on the 3rd of June at the Barrowlands for sale, cost price £100 for the 4.
Looking for 1x ticket to Carcass in Glasgow
Barber clients wanted
Office/Gamer Chair
Tune of the day
Dave - Location (ft. Burna Boy) (suggested by Missdefinitelymaybe)
Picked from 2 eligible links submitted today. Suggest tomorrow's tune.

At the end of last month, I directed a short I wrote for the first time and have been spending most of this month getting it edited.
My editor has a full time editing job and is editing my short on the side. Since he is busy, I've been getting about a week at a time in between cuts, give or take. Me being a profectionist, I'm second guessing all the footage and can't decide on a clean ending to lock the picture. I sent it to my producers and one of them gave some notes, mostly ones for time as well as ideas on a good ending. I still can't decide on a solid edit.
At the same time, we are two weeks away from our deadline, and since my editor has had a few set backs, the contracts we have written for the post crew are almost up. Specifically color and sound. Mind you, everybody is volunteering their time so there's no obligation to commit. My producer is giving the impression that after their contract is up, they won't be staying with the film to the end.
From my understanding in the past, I would sign a contract with a start date and in the contents I would add "will offer services until the final film is complete" (paraphrasing).
I'm stuck on where to go from here and at the same, time my producer is pushing for festival submissions even though most of my picks are in the extended/late deadline phase. I'm the executive producer so I have final say of course.
Some advice would be greatly appreciate! :)

2017 - Primavera Sound - Barcelona, Spain ( complete show audio / archive / Rattlesnake (portion), Evil Death Roll / portion of Gamma Knife / Rattlesnake / festival compilation )
2018 - The Observatory North Park - San Diego, CA, USA ( Rattlesnake - Sleep Drifter, Robot Stop - The Wheel / Robot Stop )
2022 - Gagarin 205 - Athens, Greece ( complete show / complete show audio / Sadie Sorceress / archive )
2023 - The Caverns - Pelham, TN, USA
Today we have complete show from Primavera Sound 2017 and 1 year ago in Athens. The Athens show was without Cavs who had COVID and could not travel. There are also some great clips from San Diego in 2018.
- recordings are found at King Gizzard Live Spreadsheet and KGLW.net

I am exhausted. I am wired. I am hungry. The bronchitis from a month ago is back and tearing up my lungs. My body is in full on revolt. I am deleriously, ecstatically happy, and for the first time in a very long time I look at the future not with fear, or with indifference, but with hope and excitement. The last week may well have been one of the best weekends of my life. I am bursting with so much joy and love of the beauty of the world and the people in it, and gratitude for the people in my life and the gifts they have shared with me, that I can barely encompass it.
For nigh on a decade, I have predominantly been motivated by fear. Fear that if I didn't fix what had gone wrong in my marriage, I was a bad person. Fear tht if I didn't change in the way my husband needed me to to become the person he needed me to be, I would lose him, and it would show me to be a bad person. Fear that if I lost him, I would lose everything that mattered, I would be alone, unloved, unworthy of love.
Fear. Fear may be the mind-killer. It may be the little death that brings total obliteration. But it's a great motivator. Through long, painstaking, difficult effort, three steps forward, two steps back, I ground out a new me. A me with skills i'd never had, with a capacity for self-reflection and acceptance that I could never have conceived in my twenties. A me who (unlike twenties me) could stand for what I wanted and take the risk of loss, but also a me who (unlike the me of my early 40s) could be flexible and compromise rather than clinging for dear life to the boundaries that I'd carved in stone because I hadn't had any and could no longer tolerate hteir absence. A me that could blend self-care and compassion and care for others. A me who could be open with almost anyone about almost anything, but who didn't need to force that openness on people who didn't want it or couldn't share it.
It took me too long; I changed in the way my husband needed me to, but too late, and by then he needed something else, and the person he needed had become incompatible with the person I needed to be. But we both loved each other so much that we kept trying, and it didn't work, because it couldn't work. I grew into myself in order to save my marriage, and in the process lost it, and it sucks, but it's ok.
And yet, still, in the year since we agreed to stop trying and transmute the deep love we have into each other into a friendship (instead of a failing attempt at a partnership) --- in that year, every intrusive thought, every self-talk on long walks, every middle of the night ranting at myself when I cannot sleep, has been about my marriage, about the feelings from it that were never resolved and which likely can never be resolved. I have been stuck, half in the door to the relationship, half out, unable to move, or progress, or imagine any future --- the future I had hung my hat on for decades was gone, and while that decision was right by the time we made it, it meant there was nothing. A good job, a great circle of friends, a loving family household, sure, all of those are great, but they're no basis for building a future in the absence of the relationship that has been the focus of my adult life; nothing is such a basis.
At Coachella this year, a little bit before the start of Monolink's set, I ate some mushrooms. I peaked during the amazing visuals of Eric Prydz's set, enjoyed the acute comedown during Calvin Harris, stayed up all night, euphoric as fuck. It was a great time.
But --- i've been on the outskirts of rave culture for long enough to know that psychedelics are not just for partying. If you go in with the right mindset and the right intention, they can be a tool for change. There are all sorts of studies ongoing now of this principle --- mdma for ptsd, ketaimne for depression, mushrooms for whatever those godawful expensive clinics in oregon are doing with them. I had an intention: it is time to close the door, to be fully outside, to let the past be the past. I want to maintain a friendship, sure, but it has to be a friendship among friendships, not a primary friendship, and I have to just let the intrusive thoughts and the feelings and the what ifs go.
So the next night, still in the residual euphoria, I looked out across the crowd at the massive robot statues on the grounds, and they became security guards, blocking the door. And even now, a month later, when the intrusive thoughts come, the guards are there, tall and bright in my mind, warning me away. Do not enter, they say. The path is barred. Once in a while they don't succeed, but the overwwhelming majority of the time they do, and the intrusive thoughts have reduced.
I came home from Coachella knowing I had done it: I had hacked my mind, successfully, and the ensuing month --- a month where I had the worst cold in a decade, and bronchitis, and the most stressful work project since Borland kicked my ass to the curb so many years ago --- has proven it. The euphoria got lost in the cold, the stress of the project was brutal and overwhelming --- to the point where I got called out, in a way, specifically because the way I was interacting with coworkers was drawing complaints --- but the security guards are still there, a seemingly permanent addition to my cognitive repertoire.
But still, I could not see a future. Just an endless present, comfortable but unsatisfying, stretching until I die.
I'd been toying with the idea of going to another festival, Lightning in a Bottle --- an electronic music festival with hippie-spiritual aspects run by the people who run a specially curated stage at Coachella (the same stage I went to to bawl my eyes out after Porter Robinson's set this year) --- for years, but it never felt right, and I didn't want to go without a crew. (I increasingly don't want to go without a crew, but that's a tale for another day). This year, as I was still riding the euphoria from Coachella, things coalesced: some friends were going, I could camp with them, if I went this year, I'd have a crew. So I bought a ticket, took the time off work, and then promptly put the whole thing aside to focus on 70 hour work weeks while recovering from a terrible sickness.
I wasn't sure I was going to use psychedelics until I got there; my mindset in most of May has been ... incompatible with successful hacking or, honestly, joy. But I stepped onto the festival grounds on Wednesday and --- festivals are such a muscle memory for me that i was instantly refilled with the joy of the last festival, and the one before it, and the one before it; when i am at a festival it is as though i am at all festivals i have ever been to, one continuous time, the energy stretching across and among them, and it hit me, i was home.
(This didn't work last year at Hog Farm Hideaway or at California World Music Fest, and it's curious to me why, but that too is a topic for another day).
We set up camp -- me, my friends, one of their friends, some of her friends --- and started the weekend. The festival is sprawling (my campsite was at least a mile, possibly a mile and a half, away from the venue, with continuous campsites between) --- and, unlike Coachella, the festival isn't really about the bands per se; it's about a series of curated experiences to which the bands contribute. And the vibes --- the vibes, oh my god the vibes. Almost everyone is on, engaged, connected. I got more hugs from random strangers last weekend than I have over the past five Coachellas combined.
The production value isn't as good as Coachella (but very few are), but the curated atmospheres are stellar. And I love touches like the mid-festival fire pit, or the wierd martian dance party hangout, and the art design of the woogie at night was amazing.
I tripped twice last weekend (once planned, once a spontaneous last minute decision that may have been one of my best decisions of the weekend), and I rolled once.
I went into it with the intention of figuring out what the rest of my life looks like, and that didn't happen, but that was kind of a tall order, right? Insane, really.
But I also went in with the knowledge --- if i'm going to use these substances to hack my brain, the place i'm going to do it is at music festivals, and both so I can do it alone and so I am not a burden on my friends when I do it, I have to develop certian skills --- the skill to manage my reaction when i get overstimulated, the skill to go off and find a calming place when the feels get overwhelming, the skill to navigate to the bathroom when i need to, the skill to have a good time and not freak out when i get seperated, the ability to keep enough of my wits about me to be a good member of the crowd and not do super stupid stuff that's going to attract attention I don't want. My friends were kind enough to give me a safe space to develop those skills, and by the end of the weekend, I had. And at the same time ...
I had a couple intersections with the spiritual aspect of the festival. Not many, as that's not really what my friends wanted to do, and sharing the experience with them was more important than having my own experience in many ways, but some. An opening cacao ceremony I barely remember except for the bitter taste of the cacao and the sense of peace and focus it provided. A shiva ritual with tone meditation. And the fire pit, late sunday night, where the fire took on the aspect of the sacred fire that burns in everyone's heart, and i could gaze across the fire and see it, feel it, beating in everyone. (Something I did again, sober, last night, at the fire pit with my household-family).
I do not know who I am, not for real. I know the terrified child who hid behind being the smartest kid in the room so hte other kids would leave him alone and his mom and stepparents would take him seriously (and who stepped up to take care of his mom every time her relationships failed); I know the man who was afraid to not be the person he thought his husband wanted until that was unsustainable, the man who would not compromise with his husband because he'd been pushed to the point where the meagre boundaries he was clinging to were both essential and all he had, and the man who out of fear transformed himself into something close to a healthy adult (for someone else, not himself) --- but none of these are the core of me. They are masks I have worn, roles I have inhabited. I do not know who I am, and that used to terrify me, but now it does not.
I know that a big part of me is the part that connects, that seeks connection and forges conneciton and helps others find connections. I call myself a Bondsmith in cosmere fandom not because of any affinity to the known powers of bondsmiths, but because of an affinity to the act of bringing people together, of forging tribes and protecting them. And I know that a big part of me is the person who can sense, even if he can not always see or describe, the sacred fire of love and beauty deep within the core of us all, hidden and encrusted over by hurt and fear and rejection and loneliness and self-doubt and self-loathing and the drudgery of day to day life, and who seeks to bring it out and help it flower.
I do not know what I am going to do. I do not know who I am going to find that the rest of me is. That is a problem for tomorrow --- the metaphorical toomrrow, the immediate future stretching before me.
But ... I have spent a decade developing the tools for self-reflection and self-evaluation and self-change. I have learned this spring that I can use immensely powerful chemical tools to hack new neural pathways into my brain, to heal myself, and to help me discover who I need to be and what I need to do. I have a safe and loving community who will support me in it, and a job (for now) that will pay for it, and no need to worry about forcing myself to be who anyone else needs me to be --- I can find out who I need to be, and then I can decide what to do about it.
For the first time in more than a decade I am excited about the future, hope that I can be, and my future can be, something fantastic and fulfilling and full of love and joy and peace.
And I have so much gratitude, proximally to the friends who helped me this spring, more broadly to the friends who carried me through the darkness, and with whom I hope to celebrate the light.

First, thank you to anyone reading this. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed and thought, “maybe there are others in a similar boat?”
A little about myself: I am currently a Biology undergraduate student finishing my junior year, with plans to apply to PhD programs this fall/winter. I am a queer, trans-masculine person and am very proud of my identity (it’s been a long road). I feel very lucky to know so many other queer and trans people at my current university.
Well, as I said, I am applying to PhD programs soon, and have been trying to make a list of universities. I have been struggling as it feels like a majority of the universities that I will be applying to are “lower level” universities. To add some context, this is in part due to recently joining this community and seeing many users make valuable comments about why they feel it is important for them to apply to top tier universities (this immediately triggered some thoughts of, “I should apply to top universities too! I don’t want to be left behind!”). But! Some of the top universities that I would like to apply to for wonderful academic/research opportunities are located in states who are currently implementing harmful anti-trans legislation or at high risk of implementing anti-trans legislation within the next 2 years. This severely limits my options of where I can move to, while ensuring some level of gender affirming healthcare and general safety in the future. I think I’m hitting a bit of a funk and feeling that I may not be able to obtain certain opportunities in the future if I go to a lower level school where I can feel “safer”. Im curious if this has been a thought occurring for anyone else and if it is actually worth worrying about being denied opportunities for not going to a prestigious school?
Thank you for any and all help!

This is a prompt for a movement-enviroment TF2 based shooter. Players are limited to their base movement to scale around their environment. Players only wear a revolver and a knife. Headshots and backstabs insta-kill enemies. Bullets are hitscan, which makes them travel anywhere instantly. Players can tilt sideways (Q,E).\ \ TACTICAL\ You can't do aim-down-sights, nor would crouching replicate it. Being unable to hold down a place with A-D-S creates an emphasis on "fairness" for the Player's relationship with field of view and movement. How about instead of a Field of View, wouldn't it be more enjoyable to have a View of Field?\ \ When you're suddenly in an encounter with an enemy, most FPS games forces you to hold down Mouse 2, and lock your vision. It's a chore to kill the enemy, worst case. In this game scenario, you have all the visible options at your disposal e.g. shoot at them or run away from them.\ \ In the map, there's many obstacles placed besides paths, objectives, and chokepoints. Some being half your size, making Players able to hide their hitboxes behind most of them. Peeking by Q/E is available anytime, making dodging bullets available on the spot. Peeking to attack makes only your upper body visible, making headshots on you cleaner, but peeking can also make as your bait.\ \ Equipping your weapon takes half a second. Using a knife makes you walk +5 percent faster. Walks pretty much makes the volume of noise, which is like whispering, say. The speed of walks also determine how many steps you walk to a place. Walking gives you away to a nearby enemy. Crouching decreases the amount of noise and number of steps you make when you walk somewhere.\ \ PLAYER HP = +150\ Revolver DAM = -50\ Knife DAM = -38\ Headshots = -150\ Backstabs = -450\ \ Health kits may spawn in restock rooms (e.g. a saferoom). One health kit replenishes +80 HP and gives the player a small healing buff that ends when they get hurt again. Ammo boxes spawn along with health kits. One ammo box replenishes 1/3rd of the revolver's spare ammo.\ \ All revolvers have 24 spare bullets. All unlocks for revolvers are reskins, same as well for knives.\ \ WEAPON AND UTILITY DROPS\ \ A unique and balanced utility system creates a bend of diverged playstyles with simple counters anyone with any utility can do. There are two coexisting utilities a Player uses: Passive and Active Utilities.\ \ UTILITY\ Iron Mask Stats (Passive Mask) Being faceshot while worn deals -50 damage\ -5% slower move speed on wearer\ Breaks after one faceshot\ \ Loud Sneakers Stats (Passive Shoes)\ +7% faster move speed on wearer while active\ More steps on wearer\ \ The Ergonomic Approach Stats (Passive Juice-Hat)\ +38 HP gained on headshot\ Bullets have 2s lasting tracers\ \ Tranq Darts (Passive Bandolier)\ Colorblinds and slows victim for 1s\ -5% bullet travel speed\ \ The Baconer (Active Bottle)\ Vulnerably drink for 3s to get a 20% speed boost for each headshot kill for 10s\ 10s recharge\ \ The Dynamite (Active Stick of Dynamite)\ 3s fuse on thrown\ 5 sticks on wearer, 1 stick recharge 10s\ -30~150 damage capability\ \ The Medkit (Active Medkit)\ Vulnerably heal yourself or friend for 5s to get an +80 HP recovery\ 3 kits on wearer, 1 kit recharge 10s\ \ STRATEGIC\ Not only is this an environment-movement game, but an objective based game. Every mission is a special mission, and you cannot respawn until an important objective is completed. Most objectives require interaction with the world with (F) key.\ \ Two Teams: Government and Opposition\ \ All Players spawn inside the first zone with their role. Friendly fire is enabled! Nobody can identify someone's team if they had not done anything such as shoot or stab someone.\ \ Everyone has a neutral nametag in stealth. In loud, looking at a Player will indicate what team they're in by the color of their tag. Neutral NPCs are usually unarmed civilians. But Neutral hostiles will attack both teams.\ \ The government side is defending by interrupting the objective, or stopping the opposition by stopping them. The Government wins if they wipe out the entire opposition, or the round timer ends.\ \ The opposition side is completing an objective. Members of the opposition team have a task bar on their screen. The Opposition only wins if they complete the entire mission with at least 1 surviving member.\ \ There are two types of objectives: Progressional and Outcome Objectives\ \ Progressional objectives are mini objectives the opposition has to complete to finish an outcome objective, and no respawns on both teams occur until an outcome objective is completed.\ \ In objective missions NPCs will be spawned, depending on zones. Government or neutral NPCs will be alerted when a shot is fired, a person is killed, or a Player has a weapon.\ \ Stealth= No shots fired, Opposition Disguised Under Neutrality\ Loud= Shots fired, Hostile NPCs, Alarms\ \ NPC DAM does a significantly less output with -5 HP per hit, and hits can't land criticals. Bosses like gunships have a high DPS, making them formidable to fight against.\ \ MISSIONS\ The Blacksite Objectives\ Zone 1 - Find the Cell Block - Save Rose (Opposition NPC) Zone 2 - Wait for the Blast Door to Open - Stealth: Find and Interrogate the Base Commander - Stealth: Access the Terminal Computer - Loud: Bring the Ordnance to the Anti-Aircraft Sentries - Escape with the Heli\ NPC Types: Government (Soldiers), Opposition\ Environment: Shipment\ \ The Financier Objectives\ Zone 1 - Eliminate the Financier (Government NPC) (Loud: Break into the Saferoom) - Find the hard disk (Optional Interrogation) - Wait for the Heli to Start\ NPC Types: Government (Bodyguards)\ Environment: House on Top of Building with a Saferoom\ \ The Deposit Objectives\ Zone 1 - Breach the Vault (Plan A: Hack Two Control Points/Plan B: Thermite) - Steal the Dead Drop from a Vault Box (Find the Box Number in the Archives, Stealth: Disable the Vault Alarms) - Stealth: Escape in the Van - Loud: Burn the lobby down - Loud: Escape through the hole\ NPC Types: Neutral\ Environment: Bank with Offices and Furniture\ \ The Lakehouse Objectives\ Zone 1 - Enter the basement (Plan A: Find the File with a Code/Plan B: Thermite\ Zone 2 (No NPCs) - Enter the Server Room (Find the Drill/Find the C4)\ Zone 3 (No NPCs) - Bring all the servers to the boat (Make an Opening to Get Out, The Lakehouse has Alarmed Doors and Windows) - Deal with the Attack Helicopter\ NPC Types: Government\ Environment: Safehouse with Furniture by a Coast\ \ The Withdrawal Objectives\ Zone 1 - Breach the Vault (Plan A: Celebrity Treatment/Plan B: Explosives) - Stealth Plan A: Disable the Metal Detectors to the Vault - Disguise as the Financier and Meet the Manager (Neutral NPC) - Take the Vault Money to the Van (Interrogate and Kill the Manager)\ Zone 2 (No NPCs) - Loud Plan B: Enter the Basement and Set Up the Explosives\ Zone 1 - Set Up the Cage in the Lobby - Take the Vault Money to the Cage - Wait for the Heli to Arrive\ NPC Types: Neutral\ Environment: Bank with Furniture and Offices\ \ The Scientist Objectives\ Zone 1 - Enter the Basement - Open the Blast Door (Take Down Falcon's Second in Command/Find the Screwdriver and Pliers, Explode the Wall) - Override the Control Room (Stealth: Kill All Government Players/Loud: Breach the Control Room with Gas Tanks, Protect the Router Boxes) - Escape with the Heli\ NPC Types: Government, Opposition\ Environment: Safehouse with Furniture\ \ The SCRS Objectives\ Zone 1 - Hack the First Terminal (Bypass the Metal Detectors, Find the Terminal Keycard, Stealth: Disable Government Security NPCs, Loud: Protect the Router Box) - Hack the Second Terminal (Stealth: Find the Computer with an access key) - Hack the Third Terminal (Stealth: Find the USB) - Loud: Deal with the Attack Helicopter (Avoid Two Rockets) - Exfiltrate\ NPC Types: Government (Guards), Neutral (Helicopter, Civilians)\ Environment: Office Building with Helipad\ \ The Black Dusk Objectives\ Opposition can opt to start in Loud\ - Stealth: Find and Plant the Bombs - Development: Use the Vents to EnteFind the Code and the Keycard in Development - Operations: Use the Vents to Enter, Find the Drill to break in\ - Workshop: Find the code from the Head Engineer (Interrogation) - Loud: Plant the Bombs - Control Room: Unlock a Gate to One Site - Development: Use C4/Use the Vents to Enter - Operations: Breach Operations - Workshop: Find and Bring the Heavy Drill to the Vault/Thermite into the Vault - Escape (Plant the final bombs at entrance) - Loud: Deal with the Complication (Minigun Unit Blocks the Elevator for the Base)\ NPC Types: Government (Soldiers), Neutral (Minigun, Workshop and Development Workers)\ Environment: Bunker with Shipment and Wide Vents

(I changed all the names for privacy, so I apologize if any get mixed up.)
Every year at my brother Max’s high school, there is an end-of-the-year boat race. The physics classes build boats out of cardboard and whichever team’s boat wins the race gets a cash prize and extra credit on the project. I want to clarify that winning the race was not necessary for a good grade. As long as your boat stayed afloat in the pool for a certain amount of time, then it proved your team followed instructions and you got a good grade. Yet Max tried to cheat. He was caught trying to sabotage the other teams by sneaking into the room during nutrition and cutting slits in the bottom of their boats. Max didn’t realize his Physics teacher was in the side room and his teacher caught him in the act.
Max’s physics teacher gave him a zero. The boats were their only actual project they had in their second semester, so Max dropped from an A to a C. Because of the cash prize and grade boost, the boat races are a huge deal at the school. The school is still deciding how to handle the situation, but it is possible that they are going to mark this on Max’s permanent record as academic dishonesty, which would mean his removal from the school’s honors program. And obviously would make his college applications this fall very difficult.
My partner Dakota happens to be on the schoolboard. My parents assume that Dakota can pull some kind of strings to lessen or reverse Max's punishment. They insisted that Max has been punished enough because he “worked so hard” to have an A in Physics before he dropped to the C, and that Dakota needs to prevent Max from being punished because being removed from the school’s honors program and having a mark on his permanent record will directly impact his college prospects and could worsen his future.
The others (mostly) family members who know about the situation have said that I was in the wrong because I could have simply said something along the lines of “There’s nothing me and Dakota can do” or “It’s out of our hands, sorry.” But instead, I told my parents that even if Dakota could, I would encourage Dakota not to get Max out of trouble because Max knew what he was doing was wrong. I told my parents that Max made a bad choice and they need to let my brother face consequences instead of coddling him. My parents told me to stop “trying to dictate” how they parent Max, I’ve never even raised a child, and that I am a terrible sibling because kids do dumb things but that this could worsen Max’s future and I should have more empathy for my brother. Are my parents and other family members right that I'm TA?
Edit: Fixed some typos

Golden Apple: Yo peepers welcome to Battle for Air where objects will battle for Air and yes we at the point where objects want to battle for anything now let meet the victims I mean people
*Boat A exist and not exist*
Golden Apple: Meet Taggy and Drear-Top
Drear-top: Oh my god I in this show OMG I never want to go out and-
Taggy: Shut on knock off
Drear-top: :(
Golden Apple: Next boat
*Boat B exist then not exist*
Golden Apple: Meet Emerald and Lollipop
Emerald: where the shimmer is this
Golden Apple: Nothing and also this is taken too long I just gonna spawn everyone else in
*Insert spawning sounds*
Golden Apple: Meet Gelatin, Fries, Puffball, Lego and Tree
Lego: So this is it another original object show
Tree: Well at least it not a TierMaker
Golden Apple: Time start this thing in the next part

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