Family medical center big spring tx
PTSD
2008.09.03 05:31 PTSD
We are a supportive, respectful community for discussion and links of interest for people who have PTSD or have friends, family members, or partners with PTSD. NOTE: We can not diagnose you with PTSD here. If you think you have PTSD, please see a licensed professional.
2023.03.21 22:07 BeautifulMaybe Update On Season 7 Of Expedition X.
If you missed my last update post on Season 6 please check it out. https://www.reddit.com/ExpeditionUnknown/comments/10fe3qw/update_on_season_6_of_expedition_x/
Vernal, UTAH (Skinwalker Ranch... Well Kinda)
submitted by BeautifulMaybe to ExpeditionUnknown [link] [comments]
Vernal, UTAH (Skinwalker Ranch... Well Kinda)
- January-18 They stayed at the SpringHill Suits in Vernal, Utah.
- January-19 Filmed at the Mcconkie Ranch Petroglyphs. They also did an interview there. The whole place was covered in snow and Jessica made snow angels haha. The Film Crew split up to shoot some B-roll.
- January-20 A Crew Member dressed up as a Cat or maybe Dog Monster and ran around in the snow. I believe they were filming a Reenactment or at least I hope so haha.
- January-21 They filmed at night and it was really cold.
- January-23 I think this was a day off. Some of them went to an Arcade.
- January-24 Somewhere in the Uinta Basin they film an interview with an eye witness on their private property that connects to the Skinwalker Ranch. They never step on SWR Property, they were only allowed to go up to the property line. We will have to wait and see how they play this off when the Episode airs. They rented off-road vehicles from Adventure Tours Vernal. The Film Crew made ramps out of snow and jumped the off-road vehicles. One of them almost flipped forward on the landing, it looked dangerous but fun haha.
- January-25 to 28 I know they filmed at night one more time but other than that I have no idea what they did these 4 days.
- January-29 To the airport, everyone flew home.
- February-8 They arrive in Dublin, Ireland. Phil's Wife and Daughter joins him again. Jessica and Film Crew have lots of drinks that night.
- February-9 First Film Day. They ride Horses up Montpellier Hill to the Hellfire Club Ruins. They filmed that night in the Ruins.
- February-10 Temple Bar, Dublin. Drinks, drinks and more drinks haha.
- February-11 Filmed interviews at the Marsh's Library. Drinks, drinks and more drinks hahaha.
- February-12 Day off.
- February-13 Travel day, London England
- February-14 Road trip to Oxford. They rented a Land Rover. They Filmed at the Hellfire Caves in West Wycombe. Some of the Crew dressed up for a Reenactment.
- February-15 They wrapped up this Episode and had a big dinner.
- February-16 Travel day, at London Airport and off to Romania.
- February-17 They filmed at a Sheep Farm. Did an interview with some of the farmers and got to hold baby sheep. They got to drive off-road vehicles and the Crew got wild again haha. A woman who lived on the farm fell in love with Jessica haha, She wouldn't let go of Jess and the Crew made fun of her. They had lots of drinks which became the theme for this Europe trip haha.
- February-18 They were filming out in a field and the Producer started digging a hole. Jessica got into the hole and Phil pretended to bury her, I think just for fun. Then a Cameraman got into the hole and Jessica and Phil stood above him so he could get the shot (???) idk haha. That night the Crew partied at a Club called Plan B.
- February-19 Day off.
- February-20 Filmed at the Orthodox Cathedral and Avram Iancu Statue.
- February-21 Filmed at the Equestrian Statue (King Mathias, Matyas). That night they filmed with 4 Witches named Casanndra Buzea, Buzea Ana Maria, Anda Mihaiela, and Vrajitoarea Mihaela Minca. Jessica loved filming with them. They then went back to their hotel and the Producer had way too much to drink haha.
- February-22 They go to a forest near Floresti (not sure if was Hoia Baciu Forest) and film with the Witches again. They had a small fire and a hot coal popped out of the fire into Jessica's hair. One of the Crew put it out and Jess says she owes him a life debt now haha.
- February-23 They wrap this Episode up and have a big dinner.
- February-24 Travel day, At airport by 3:00AM and fly back to England.
- February-25 They filmed at a field/forest and rode atvs. Plus a night shoot.
- February-26 Day off. I'm not sure but some of the Crew went to Diddly Squat Farm Shop which is owned by a TV Host named Jeremy. I think they rented a Land Rover from him but again I'm not sure.
- February-27 Filmed at the Chester Cathedral and in the streets (Chester City Walls).
- February-28 Filmed an interview at the Olde Cottage Pub Chester. Then road trip to Buxton, Peak District.
- March-1 Filmed at Stanage Edge. They did a rock climb.
- March-2 Jessica did an interview with BBR-Being Believed Research and Phil took a Helicopter Tour.
- March-3 Day off and that's a wrap on Europe.
- March-4 Phil and his family flew to Iceland for a vacation and everyone else flew home.
- March-16 Jessica and Phil was in Studio to work on VO for the Episodes and I'm guessing filmed the intros with Josh.
- Today is March-21 and I believe they will start filming again tomorrow. I think 2-3 more Episodes.
2023.03.21 22:02 MediumTitle JNmom in hospital
Long time lurker, No permission to use anywhere on the internet other than here. Apologies for spelling etc, I'm frustrated and annoyed.
So you might pick up from a couple of my comments my mother wasn't the exact beacon of moderately good motherhood. I actually went NC with her 8-10 years ago when she split from her then partner. They had been a massive alcoholic with periods of dry for 16 years at that point, plus stealing her partners medications and possibly trying every recreational out there. Also possibly sleeping round at least 2 towns (I've had creeps thinking I'm her asking if Id come for a "good night" creeped me the f out). She also accused me of cheating on my now ex by hiding and sleeping with her partner when he ran away as he couldn't deal with her behaviour anymore.
Enmeshed with my eldest son (I was young and I wish this sub was around back then), she actively encouraged my youngest to get bullied by using her own nick name for them Infront of kids.
Put bluntly, the physiological and psychological damage she has done running rampant over feelings, wishes, boundaries "because I'm Nanna" has taken its toll on both myself and my youngest (21 NB AFAB). We moved 180 miles north 6 years ago to get away from it. I even paid to have my youngest's deed poll to remove some of the emotional pressure.
2 weeks ago my maternal family..... kind of imploded. My mother is one of 6, and my Nan is now in her 90's. 2 weeks ago nan had a fall, ended up in hospital. Then ended up living with my next eldest cousin L as no one was able to care for her. My moms sister J died from a combo of big C's (Cancer and Covid). One of my uncles has suddenly decided after 2 weeks to rear his head, not to "help" but try get hands on my aunts estate. Mums ended up in hospital, but with numeral problems probably bought on by her long term abuses (apparently she's been clean for 6 years, but I've heard that soooo many times I just don't know)
I'm 180 miles away, no disabled and unable to walk, and Mum has apparently got dementia comming on. Bit of a pain as she controls my dead aunts estate but I digress. All this crap going on you can guess the flying monkeys have been rearing their heads. I should patch it up with her apparently. Same people called me a horrible daughter for going NC. My brother even thought it was a good idea to try guilt trip me to come down for the funeral and see my Nan (I've face timed her, L and her Mum are JY)
Im left with the possibility in order to get my Aunt and Uncles organised for the shitstorm about to hit I may have to reconnect with my mother again. Im not sure I want to. Im sure the dementia will be a excuse for me to be forced to forgive her for all the crap shes done. I just dont know. Kinda looking for advice on how to go forward at this point because I know I will have the support of my current partner regardless of my decision.
One thing is clear though, I wont be going down there physically as its totally impractical.
submitted by MediumTitle to JNMIL [link] [comments]
So you might pick up from a couple of my comments my mother wasn't the exact beacon of moderately good motherhood. I actually went NC with her 8-10 years ago when she split from her then partner. They had been a massive alcoholic with periods of dry for 16 years at that point, plus stealing her partners medications and possibly trying every recreational out there. Also possibly sleeping round at least 2 towns (I've had creeps thinking I'm her asking if Id come for a "good night" creeped me the f out). She also accused me of cheating on my now ex by hiding and sleeping with her partner when he ran away as he couldn't deal with her behaviour anymore.
Enmeshed with my eldest son (I was young and I wish this sub was around back then), she actively encouraged my youngest to get bullied by using her own nick name for them Infront of kids.
Put bluntly, the physiological and psychological damage she has done running rampant over feelings, wishes, boundaries "because I'm Nanna" has taken its toll on both myself and my youngest (21 NB AFAB). We moved 180 miles north 6 years ago to get away from it. I even paid to have my youngest's deed poll to remove some of the emotional pressure.
2 weeks ago my maternal family..... kind of imploded. My mother is one of 6, and my Nan is now in her 90's. 2 weeks ago nan had a fall, ended up in hospital. Then ended up living with my next eldest cousin L as no one was able to care for her. My moms sister J died from a combo of big C's (Cancer and Covid). One of my uncles has suddenly decided after 2 weeks to rear his head, not to "help" but try get hands on my aunts estate. Mums ended up in hospital, but with numeral problems probably bought on by her long term abuses (apparently she's been clean for 6 years, but I've heard that soooo many times I just don't know)
I'm 180 miles away, no disabled and unable to walk, and Mum has apparently got dementia comming on. Bit of a pain as she controls my dead aunts estate but I digress. All this crap going on you can guess the flying monkeys have been rearing their heads. I should patch it up with her apparently. Same people called me a horrible daughter for going NC. My brother even thought it was a good idea to try guilt trip me to come down for the funeral and see my Nan (I've face timed her, L and her Mum are JY)
Im left with the possibility in order to get my Aunt and Uncles organised for the shitstorm about to hit I may have to reconnect with my mother again. Im not sure I want to. Im sure the dementia will be a excuse for me to be forced to forgive her for all the crap shes done. I just dont know. Kinda looking for advice on how to go forward at this point because I know I will have the support of my current partner regardless of my decision.
One thing is clear though, I wont be going down there physically as its totally impractical.
2023.03.21 21:59 throwaway728145 Left foot has worsening purple toes, initially had bright red inflammation 2-3 months ago
Picture below. I've had this issue for a few months now. I saw a doctor ~2 months ago and the issue has worsened in ways (left foot much more purple) and better in others (right foot not dealing with much discoloration if any)- they provided a few things it could be (reynauds, chillblains, diabetes, and some others i forgot) but I need testing to find out what it actually is. I cannot afford to spend really anything near what these tests cost but may be able to do whichever test seems most probable or indicative soon. My marketplace insurance doesn't cover blood testing until i meet a copay i dont have a chance of meeting. I will provide as much information as I can and let me know any questions I missed. The primary issue is my left foot having, what appears to be, very low blood flow in particular but my other foot/fingers are a bit colder than usual. Right foot has been paleish/purpleish especially when I saw the doctor 2 months ago but never as bad as the left included in pictures.
Particularly the left foot has had the worst part of the issue for the 3~ months it's been ongoing. At this point, all of the toes are generally a little purple and there have been times they don't blanch at all. My right foot sometimes seems inverse of this, but very rarely / not sure if it has happened since 2 months ago is also a little purple on the right side / right pinky toe. Currently the right foot is generally white and looks fine but still cold at the toes. I just put my feet under some warm water and the left foot gets red but the right almost turns whiter, brighter not pale.
The issue did seem worse around the time I saw the doctor, with my fingers having more profound coldness and issues with purple/paleness on the right foot. But my left foot didn't have nearly as many/much purple toes. Initially my left foot, 1st toe to the left of the big toe, would get sort of inflamed. Appears like fluid retention from my general research, gets red and a little itchy / sensitive , not super swollen but possibly swells a little? Looks like "covid toes" that I had seen. I still get this on my fingers randomly which dissipates quickly, where some fingers are red around the nail and it's a little more sensitive. I feel like this occurs a lot when I leave my apartment, now that I think about it. I have not had much pain aside from the early red toes/current occasional red fingers which is still pretty minor pain. No pain on the feet or anywhere else really, aside from the hemorrhoid(s) i had/have. If I excerise or run it under warm water it does blanch a little, but if I try it when I'm at my desk sometimes it doesn't blanch at all. I haven't really lost feeling anywhere on my body, it doesn't usually get numb but every now and then. Doctors did check blood flow to my foot, seemed fine. I visited urgent care for a hemorrhoid and asked them to take a look as well, and they checked the flow to my foot which appeared fine and didn't deem the issue urgent to take any further steps. Color is restored pretty quickly upon excerise, warm water, or raising my feet. My foot looks practically normal if I just do any of those things, but gets back to purple/pale quickly if I sit. Unsure about Reynauds as a cause because my limited understanding of Reynauds is that it isn't constant like this, more so a reaction. My feet have never really been itchy, only a little when they were initially inflamed. Again, I have not really had much pain anywhere at all which a lot of causes seem to have.
My background: I believe my blood mother had blood pressure issues but it's unclear. I have psoriasis, I have never been tested for diabetes, I have anxiety/depression, started ADHD medication (adderall) ~4 months ago so around a month before this issue arose - no prior ADHD diagnosis in my family. Wheneve i don't take it or do take it, doesnt seem to have an impact but I am going to try skipping it both of my weekend days instead of the usual one and see if there are any changes. I have always had issues with dexterity and feel out of breath quickly, have seen 205 bpm or so on a smart watch when going for a run (smart watch, so who knows). I was obese at that time around 210 I believe. My peak weight was 225 during 2022, but since lost weight and now around 175. Issue probably began when I was around 190. I went from 200 to 175 over a span of 4-5 months I'd say. All weight measurements in pounds. I work from home and don't know anybody here so leave very rarely, have had a pretty sedentary lifestyle for the last 2 or 3 years hence the weight gain. I did run a little when I got here but rarely leave for a run now. I do tend to sit poorly at my desk, with my legs crossed or one up but have been sitting properly the last week or so. I have been sleeping with my feet elevated. My diet is poor as I don't have a lot of spare money and struggle with most foods. I don't eat any meat right now, have usually eaten a lot of chicken in the past. Could have a minor lactose issue, but not diagnosed as the first time I've seen a primary care doctor was at that visit in Jan. Blood pressure checks appear fine everytime I've been tested. My resting rate is usually 78-85. I'm a 22 years old 5'9 ~175lb white male. I did use thc a while back 5 months+ but haven't since, never smoked or used tobacco, and don't drink. I was taking doxylamine succinate for the past few years but have recently stopped. Only known allergies are from a "severe drug eruption" due to Trazodone and recently another skin rash reaction to Quetiapine. Taking mirtazpine since 2 weeks ago, taking fish oil supplemements since a week ago. Have purchased some other supplements (Niacin, B12, Magnesium, Iron, L-argynine). The day after I took Niacin and L-argynine my heart felt weird, believe it was palpitations so haven't taken again.
I know this is a lot of information, and it may be an obvious (you need to be active or eat better) to fix the issue. I'm hoping to confirm that, or if it is something someone has seen before. I really struggle with excerise mainly due to insecurities and how tired it makes me, but have been doing jumping jacks on breaks and such to get my heart moving. It's difficult to go for a run when it absolutely exhausts me, went outside for 12 ish minutes total a few days ago and ran as much as I could which was not continous or for a very long period; at most I ran for 20-30s at a time and run out of breath. I had to chill for ~1hr30 afterwards before i could get up and try to play a game.
Let me know if you have any questions or any suggestions, thank you. Photo below.
tldr; unsure of cause of left foot having very purple feet from initially red/inflamed feet; and have limited resources for blood tests to figure it out for sure. Hoping someone has seen this before.
submitted by throwaway728145 to AskDocs [link] [comments]
Particularly the left foot has had the worst part of the issue for the 3~ months it's been ongoing. At this point, all of the toes are generally a little purple and there have been times they don't blanch at all. My right foot sometimes seems inverse of this, but very rarely / not sure if it has happened since 2 months ago is also a little purple on the right side / right pinky toe. Currently the right foot is generally white and looks fine but still cold at the toes. I just put my feet under some warm water and the left foot gets red but the right almost turns whiter, brighter not pale.
The issue did seem worse around the time I saw the doctor, with my fingers having more profound coldness and issues with purple/paleness on the right foot. But my left foot didn't have nearly as many/much purple toes. Initially my left foot, 1st toe to the left of the big toe, would get sort of inflamed. Appears like fluid retention from my general research, gets red and a little itchy / sensitive , not super swollen but possibly swells a little? Looks like "covid toes" that I had seen. I still get this on my fingers randomly which dissipates quickly, where some fingers are red around the nail and it's a little more sensitive. I feel like this occurs a lot when I leave my apartment, now that I think about it. I have not had much pain aside from the early red toes/current occasional red fingers which is still pretty minor pain. No pain on the feet or anywhere else really, aside from the hemorrhoid(s) i had/have. If I excerise or run it under warm water it does blanch a little, but if I try it when I'm at my desk sometimes it doesn't blanch at all. I haven't really lost feeling anywhere on my body, it doesn't usually get numb but every now and then. Doctors did check blood flow to my foot, seemed fine. I visited urgent care for a hemorrhoid and asked them to take a look as well, and they checked the flow to my foot which appeared fine and didn't deem the issue urgent to take any further steps. Color is restored pretty quickly upon excerise, warm water, or raising my feet. My foot looks practically normal if I just do any of those things, but gets back to purple/pale quickly if I sit. Unsure about Reynauds as a cause because my limited understanding of Reynauds is that it isn't constant like this, more so a reaction. My feet have never really been itchy, only a little when they were initially inflamed. Again, I have not really had much pain anywhere at all which a lot of causes seem to have.
My background: I believe my blood mother had blood pressure issues but it's unclear. I have psoriasis, I have never been tested for diabetes, I have anxiety/depression, started ADHD medication (adderall) ~4 months ago so around a month before this issue arose - no prior ADHD diagnosis in my family. Wheneve i don't take it or do take it, doesnt seem to have an impact but I am going to try skipping it both of my weekend days instead of the usual one and see if there are any changes. I have always had issues with dexterity and feel out of breath quickly, have seen 205 bpm or so on a smart watch when going for a run (smart watch, so who knows). I was obese at that time around 210 I believe. My peak weight was 225 during 2022, but since lost weight and now around 175. Issue probably began when I was around 190. I went from 200 to 175 over a span of 4-5 months I'd say. All weight measurements in pounds. I work from home and don't know anybody here so leave very rarely, have had a pretty sedentary lifestyle for the last 2 or 3 years hence the weight gain. I did run a little when I got here but rarely leave for a run now. I do tend to sit poorly at my desk, with my legs crossed or one up but have been sitting properly the last week or so. I have been sleeping with my feet elevated. My diet is poor as I don't have a lot of spare money and struggle with most foods. I don't eat any meat right now, have usually eaten a lot of chicken in the past. Could have a minor lactose issue, but not diagnosed as the first time I've seen a primary care doctor was at that visit in Jan. Blood pressure checks appear fine everytime I've been tested. My resting rate is usually 78-85. I'm a 22 years old 5'9 ~175lb white male. I did use thc a while back 5 months+ but haven't since, never smoked or used tobacco, and don't drink. I was taking doxylamine succinate for the past few years but have recently stopped. Only known allergies are from a "severe drug eruption" due to Trazodone and recently another skin rash reaction to Quetiapine. Taking mirtazpine since 2 weeks ago, taking fish oil supplemements since a week ago. Have purchased some other supplements (Niacin, B12, Magnesium, Iron, L-argynine). The day after I took Niacin and L-argynine my heart felt weird, believe it was palpitations so haven't taken again.
I know this is a lot of information, and it may be an obvious (you need to be active or eat better) to fix the issue. I'm hoping to confirm that, or if it is something someone has seen before. I really struggle with excerise mainly due to insecurities and how tired it makes me, but have been doing jumping jacks on breaks and such to get my heart moving. It's difficult to go for a run when it absolutely exhausts me, went outside for 12 ish minutes total a few days ago and ran as much as I could which was not continous or for a very long period; at most I ran for 20-30s at a time and run out of breath. I had to chill for ~1hr30 afterwards before i could get up and try to play a game.
Let me know if you have any questions or any suggestions, thank you. Photo below.
tldr; unsure of cause of left foot having very purple feet from initially red/inflamed feet; and have limited resources for blood tests to figure it out for sure. Hoping someone has seen this before.
2023.03.21 21:53 m80mike Don't Feed The Pumpkins
A rule breaking truck driver takes a forbidden detour.
Don't Feed the Pumpkins
I'm typing this as a record of what has happened to me. If someone should find me out here, where ever here is, this is what happened and who is responsible. Also, out of the dozens of vehicles bogged down in this field, mine is the Blue Jay 2013 Freight Liner. If I should die and it is recoverable, it should go to my son, John Grainger in Antioch, Illinois.
I left Litchfield Illinois around 2pm on Halloween with a last-minute load of pumpkins destined for the Antioch Walmart. Despite the fact I was once that told Illinois is the #1 pumpkin producer in the country the itself state appears to be in the midst of a shortage. I was due in about 8pm, but I was trying get in by 6pm and after unloading, I was going to visit my wife Carly and my son for Halloween. It was going to be the first Halloween in my son's life that I was going to be there for trick o treating. My wife was making a big deal out of it and John was 10 now, so, she said he would be “scarred with disappointment” if I didn't show now. So, I probably should have gotten better sleep the night before and sue me, I was gear jamming and popping go-pills like popcorn. Don't look down on me, don't be fooled, this is just the nature of the trucking industry. Everyone does it and I'm not afraid to tell it like it is.
Just after Normal on 39 I hit a wall of traffic. I could hear on the CB that there is a hazmat incident up ahead and they require special teams to clear it off. I, like the other truckers, get to gabbing on the radio, looking for shortcuts. To my surprise, after scrutinizing this route several times before, I was informed about a “gutshot” shortcut just ahead that could get in me into my destination at least an hour earlier, even with the fact I had sat in the backup for at least 45 minutes at this point. A second comrade in gears piped in and stated that the shortcut was closed. The first driver contradicted him and stated, he had used it two weeks ago, it was wide open country land you could go 70 the whole way, and the only town along the way had burned down in an industrial accident 30 years ago. The second trucker chimed in again. He said it was closed for tonight and only tonight and not to use it. I disregarded the second trucker, exited the interstate and followed the directions of the first trucker.
Well, Carly, you always said it would be this way. You always said, I needed to learn how to follow directions to not cut so many damn corners all the time. You always told me didn't put in the work, and the funny thing is, for the first time, on this drive, get there, I did. Sure, I cut all the corners, but I wanted to to put in the work. But you're right, I never put a second of effort in, and if this is how it ends, I suppose you're right, I never will. But I guess, one way or another, you're getting what you've wanted, what you text me, what you don't tell me about, and what I didn't care about. I was coming home for him and damn it, I know it won't hold up in court but I want my boy to get the damn truck!
Anyway, I found the road, 2 lanes clear to the sky, surrounded by corn and then pumpkin fields forever. My straight shot, I pushed 80 the whole way flying on cracked asphalt, diesel, and go-pills. Ahead, there were barricades and I applied the brakes and barely stopped in time. I got out and saw they were chained up with a padlock to concrete posts in the ground. In theory, I could blast through them but I would sustain serious damage. The ground was a bit wet so I didn't think I could cross the ditch and field and not get stuck either. The barricades were not official in the least. They had a sign on them made out of it mailbox stick-on letters which said: “Do Not Feed The Pumpkins”. As far as I could see from my cab and binoculars, there was absolutely nothing wrong with the damn road. I said hell and I knew it would take hours to reverse course and get back in time – in time to even unload much less make it in time to go trick o treating.
And I said it wasn't worth it. I didn't bother to call. I'd just show up now. Because it wasn't my fault. So I started back, turning around with great difficulty. I traveled back 2 miles and saw small signs for a rest area. I must have missed it the first time, too deep into the zone I suppose now. I needed to pee and probably eat a bit before starting a roundabout way back, so I stopped. It was a little old 2 story joint with a small dinner on the 1st level and looked like 4 or 5 small motel rooms on top and oddly an outhouse for a restroom. I want to emphasize the outhouse because that is how you'll find and catch this guy, the guy who did this to me. It was Bill Shaw of Shaw's Shack, who did this to me. It had a sign with the building, it too was made of stick-on letters and vaguely resembled a huge ransom note. It read “Yes! We are open! We are the only rest area for 67 miles and 1 of 2 “tombstones” for the late great town of Pumpkin Grove Illinois – the former pumpkin capital of Illinois. Ask Your host, Bill Shaw about the Pumpkin-beef-bean stew!
The parking lot had three vehicles in it, not including my own, a silver Prius, a grand cheeroke with wood panels, and an older model chevy pick up truck. I went inside. The dinner was small, set in a rustic décor with old license plates nailed to the walls. The cafe had eight counter seats and two smaller tables near the two windows. There were two witnesses to what happened that night, to what Bill Shaw did – at least partial witnesses. There was the older man with stringy white hair and octagonal glasses – unfortunately, I didn't get his name. There was that irritating millennial – All I remember is the metal crap in her ears and lip. Hell, if I die and John starts ever pulling that crap, I'll come back and haunt the crap out of both of you. Anyway, now, I wish I could remember their names or something else about them to put here. I didn't care about either one of them enough to remember.
I guess that goes for Shaw too. He was a bit taller as sometimes I couldn't see his face while sitting at the counter because of the low lights in the ceiling blocking his face. He had gray hair. Hell. That's it. Anyway, the old man said he was part of a historical society, said he spent the better part of his past two years tracking down anyone or anything about Pumpkin Grove. The college student – of course – it was college student said she was from the school newspaper, looking for a spooky story. When she asked me where I was from, I didn't respond.
Shaw came from the kitchen with two big bowls of the famous Pumpkin-beef-bean stew for first two. He seemed taken back by my presence for a bit before saying “howdy” and trying to get real friendly with me. He asked what media I was from. I told him I wasn't from no media and I was trying to get through the barricade up ahead. Neither of the other two seemed to know about the barricade. Shaw said he didn't know anything about it either. I was suspicious of him then because of the lettering on the signs. But I didn't push it. I wanted to eat and he said my choice was the stew or stew. So the stew seemed fine. He said he wished he had more time to chat with me but he promised to tell the story of Pumpkin Grove to the two others but I was welcome to listen and ask questions. I didn't say it but I couldn't care less, I was going no where fast and I needed to eat.
He started off by saying he and his wife are among a handful of survivors of the fire that consumed the town of Pumpkin Grove some 30 years ago on Halloween night. Then his story descended into a cross between a rambling fading nightmare and a ghost story. He said, without hesitation, fear of consequence or remorse that he was accessory to a murder in his childhood. Specifically, some 40 years ago, again on Halloween, he was friends with a small group of young men including one named Donnie, who was a little slow and had a slightly misshaped head. He was picked on a lot by the Gerst Brothers, notorious town bullies and teenage thugs of a bad seed thanks to their neglectful alcoholic single father. Long story short, he said, the Gerst Brothers lured Donnie, himself and another 2 boys out to a pumpkin field where they gave back Donnie's missing dog. Apparently they kidnapped the dog and wrapped every inch of it in duct tape a few days ago. They watched us try to peel and pull the duct tape off while the weakened, hungry, and thirsty dog whimpered away its last in the field. Unbeknownst to any of us, Donnie had a pocket knife and he lost it as the Gerst Brothers cackled around him and the dead dog. He leaped up as they laughed and sliced the vein on their necks. One of the Brothers died quickly while Donnie and the two others fought the other to death. Shaw said he just stood there, covered in arterial blood splatters, watching Donnie and the others finish off the Gersts.
Much of the town was shockingly grateful to hear the Gerst Brothers were dead and everyone was all too happy to sweep it under the rug rather than have 4 of their sons incarcerated for decades when they were needed to help with the town's bread and butter – the Pumpkins. So, they buried the Gerst Brothers in that field and grew pumpkins on their corpses and no one really talked about it. The town paid off their father, who was too inebriated most of the time to care and he gleefully drank himself to death on the payoff only about a year later.
I didn't have much of a reaction to the story. The historian on the other hand, was hesitant to stay and keep writing and he made a brief protest concerning whether or not the story was true and whether or not he could legally listen to it. Shaw said it was both true and legal. After all, there was nothing left of the town and the remains were long gone and he himself, would not bare witness to himself. The college student's dumb metal encrusted mouth was agape in a mix of horror and disbelief.
I was waiting, patiently, might I add, for my stew. Shaw promised it would be up soon. He continued the story, stating that the fields produced abnormally well afterwards and 10 years later he was visiting his parents with his girlfriend for the annual Pumpkin fest. It was just that the pumpkins weren't just more numerous and larger, or more resistant to the rains and the fungus, they were alive and nothing could keep them tame or from spreading wider and wider. And everyone thought this was great at first, the profits were never higher but then weird things began to happen. Equipment went missing and two farm hands were crushed by a wagon full of pumpkins tipping over onto them in what was at first called a freak accident. Shaw recounted how he took his girlfriend through one of the patches and the vines seem to wind and grapple her legs, of course, Shaw's folks passed it off as her not being used to the mud but Shaw said he knew better.
Shaw continued to describe that over the days that led up to Halloween, the Jack O Lanterns on people's porches and elsewhere began to do some unusual things. Things like seemingly move by themselves from dusk to dawn, changing the carvings of their faces slightly, or appearing to “jump” off a table onto the porch without damage or apparent cause. On the morning of Halloween, Shaw said that he found his black cat, Lucky, incinerated in front of a jack o lantern as if it had breathed fire on to it from its mouth though they had long ago blown out the candle inside.
After the cat burning, the elderly man from the historical society tossed his spoon in his bowl. Shaw asked if something was wrong. The elderly man got up to leave and he said it tasted like bitter cold bull and his story was bull and thanked him for nothing. After checking the remaining contents of his bowl of stew, Shaw chased him out of the door, to his car, asking him what direction he planned to go home. When he peeled out of the parking lot he was headed southwest. Shaw came back in and threw up his hands.
I tell nothing but the truth, he said, most people can't handle it. Part of me wanted to go, but I was cozy there, it was warm and the story, while bull to me at the time, was entertaining enough. The SJW sitting down the way looked exhausted, barely keeping her eyes open as Shaw finished out the story. In short he said, Donnie approached him at dusk on Halloween while he and his family sat on the porch eagerly awaiting trick o treaters. Donnie said the Gerst Brothers are alive in the pumpkins and that they planned to burn the whole town down tonight. Donnie said, he had to tell Shaw because Shaw wasn't supposed to die, he was supposed to watch.
I rudely stopped him and demanded more stew. I was still hungry and the stew was somehow unsatisfying. When he returned, he finished the story, stating the town was suddenly engulfed in flames and their house in particular with Donnie on the porch, flash burned to the ground like napalm from an exploding pumpkin. He escaped with his family and his future wife in the pick up truck sitting outside now.
The college student said she felt like she needed to lay down, that she didn't think she could make back to the campus to the north. Shaw attended to getting her one of the rooms upstairs. I stayed down stairs and went to the back for more stew. I rubbed my eyes intensely and felt as if I too should stay for the night. But in the tug of war between fatigue and dexrine, the dexrine was slowly coming out ahead.
Next to the stew was a cutting board and a knife and on it was some bluish whitish powder which I found peculiar. On floor was a bottle of medication. It was Insomnex – a sleeping pill I use when I'm coming off of dexrine. The stew was dosed.
I ran to my truck and pulled out my dexrine and my revolver. As I climbed out of the driver's side, I could see Shaw running out of the dinner with a huge kitchen knife. I ducked under the trailer and back out on his side and pointed the gun at him.
What the hell I asked as I slowly advanced on him with my snub nose pointed at his head. He dropped the knife. He said, I just wanted to puncture your tires, I had to do something to stop you. I know you want to go north and I know you might be crazy enough and your truck tough enough to smash the barricades but I can't let you. I can't let anyone else go through, he said hysterically. I asked the dumb question about whether or not he set the barricades and just as I previously suspected, he did.
I'm supposed to watch, Shaw cried. No one can get through tonight, no can be allowed to. I told him to shut up as he rambled on about how he and his wife took it upon themselves to ward off travelers on Halloween Night. Its a cursed road tonight, he said, we're cursed to stay here and this is the best we can do to stop it from spreading. Its been calling us for 30 years, he went on, we tried to walk away but it kept on spreading, the pumpkins, he said gritting his teeth in anguish.
Maybe it was the dexrine and the insomnex working together, hell maybe it was the stew by itself but I just started to laugh as I guided Shaw back into the dinner and proceeded to duct tape him down to the dinner chair to make sure he could not cause anymore harm to anyone else until the police arrived. I had some cash on me, I wasn't a criminal, I wasn't going to make it seem like I tied him up and dinned and dashed, I was in the right, I was doing the lawful thing. So I left him exact change, no tip for the food. In the process of making change for myself, I found the padlock key in the cash drawer, I was certain of it at the time as I waved it in front of Shaw and he gasped and thrashed behind the duct tape the hardest.
I got into my truck and gunned it north towards the barricades, which, as I suspected was easily opened with the key I confiscated from Shaw. I got on my CB and started making emergency calls to the State Police, I gave them my name, the location of the diner, and Shaw's name. I was in the middle of nowhere so it didn't surprise me when I got static and no acknowledgment. I had no bars on my cell phone either but that is typical of central Illinois.
I was going along about 70. The sun was almost down but I hadn't seen the moon yet. I turned on the radio and found a classic rock station. The song was Born on the Bayou from CCR. The opening riff perked me up and reassured me that I had done everything all well and all good. If things held, there was a chance, I could get my freight unloaded and see John tonight. I was eagerly tapping the steering wheel waiting to bust into “When I was just a little boy...” But just as the lyrics should have entered, the radio station seemed to have accidentally reset the song, it just started over.
The sun faded away entirely and yet no moon came up. The sky was so dark but I didn't remember seeing any clouds or expecting any for that matter. The song continued restarting itself, the same opening again and again. I flipped through the other stations and all of them had it playing. Eventually, the digital clock on my dash began to spin wildly like the LCD numbers on the tuner while in scan mode. The truck buffeted and shook side to side despite my headlights showing no cause for it.
To my shock, ahead, in the distance was single traffic light. It was went from green, to yellow, and red, as any other traffic light but there were no lights or towns on this road. I slowed to 40, then 35 then to 30 as I entered an unnamed densely populated area with small buildings, stores, and houses and one traffic light. I came to a stop at the light and I looked around, locked my doors and tried to glimpse where I was. Where ever I was, I felt, I felt like I shouldn't be there. There were dim orange lights in some of the rooms of the houses at the edge of the intersection.
I looked up at one of the windows and I saw a figure with large head in the window. I couldn't believe my eyes at least not until the figure turned to face outward. It was a jack o lantern, a classic one with a black glow where the eyes, nose, and mouth sat. It was held up right by a thin vine structure that seemed to grow and stretch as it stuck its head out of the window and let out a barely audible shrill whistle and stared directly at me.
I gunned it. I blew the red light as the town seemed to collapse into nothing by dark green swelling pumpkin vine and a sea of glowing jack o lanterns in my side view mirrors. I hit the radio off because all I could hear on it was that whistle filtering through. I drove and the mass of jack o lanterns grew in the mirrors. I glimpsed the left and right windows and the plains were glowing black with more pumpkins rolling and creeping towards the road.
The road began to warp and bend as I started to red line my truck. The buffeting side to side became difficult to control as the engine groaned. I couldn't explain how the road began to shift nor how the moon, blood orange began to circle around me from horizon to horizon. Aside from the moon, I thought I was making progress as I couldn't see the vines nor the hundreds of blacklight pumpkins swirling after me.
The moon slowed and dipped down and I started climbing a hill. As I crested, the moon filled the entire windshield and more. It spun and then settled on a black light pumpkin face and bore down on the cab.
I don't know what happened next but I woke up in my cab. The was engine smoking. All I could see was mud and putrid rotten pumpkins as far as I could see. My Blue Jay was sunk up to the cab down in mud, vines and rot. It wasn't going anywhere in it without some serious assistance. To my right and left I saw dozens of other vehicles, most of them at least ten years old, also up their doors in mud and rot. Swarms of flies were visible all around in the boiling midday sun. I'm not really sure how long it has been or what time it really was because the clock on my phone is broken and simply reads as 99:99. I don't know what day it is. I have no cell signal and no radio.
Carly, I need to be honest with you. I cheated on you. Maybe a dozen times. I did it before I thought, before I knew you were doing it to me. I can't live by the rules of trucking, or marriage or anything. It is the road and you command it and that is the only rule. But now, I'm worried I've broken my last rule. I have no food and no water. There is no road here. There is only rule of a blazing sun with jack o lantern face that never sets. I fear that in time, unless I find help or help finds me, I will be feeding the pumpkins.
Theo Plesha
submitted by m80mike to ChillingApp [link] [comments]
A rule breaking truck driver takes a forbidden detour.
Don't Feed the Pumpkins
I'm typing this as a record of what has happened to me. If someone should find me out here, where ever here is, this is what happened and who is responsible. Also, out of the dozens of vehicles bogged down in this field, mine is the Blue Jay 2013 Freight Liner. If I should die and it is recoverable, it should go to my son, John Grainger in Antioch, Illinois.
I left Litchfield Illinois around 2pm on Halloween with a last-minute load of pumpkins destined for the Antioch Walmart. Despite the fact I was once that told Illinois is the #1 pumpkin producer in the country the itself state appears to be in the midst of a shortage. I was due in about 8pm, but I was trying get in by 6pm and after unloading, I was going to visit my wife Carly and my son for Halloween. It was going to be the first Halloween in my son's life that I was going to be there for trick o treating. My wife was making a big deal out of it and John was 10 now, so, she said he would be “scarred with disappointment” if I didn't show now. So, I probably should have gotten better sleep the night before and sue me, I was gear jamming and popping go-pills like popcorn. Don't look down on me, don't be fooled, this is just the nature of the trucking industry. Everyone does it and I'm not afraid to tell it like it is.
Just after Normal on 39 I hit a wall of traffic. I could hear on the CB that there is a hazmat incident up ahead and they require special teams to clear it off. I, like the other truckers, get to gabbing on the radio, looking for shortcuts. To my surprise, after scrutinizing this route several times before, I was informed about a “gutshot” shortcut just ahead that could get in me into my destination at least an hour earlier, even with the fact I had sat in the backup for at least 45 minutes at this point. A second comrade in gears piped in and stated that the shortcut was closed. The first driver contradicted him and stated, he had used it two weeks ago, it was wide open country land you could go 70 the whole way, and the only town along the way had burned down in an industrial accident 30 years ago. The second trucker chimed in again. He said it was closed for tonight and only tonight and not to use it. I disregarded the second trucker, exited the interstate and followed the directions of the first trucker.
Well, Carly, you always said it would be this way. You always said, I needed to learn how to follow directions to not cut so many damn corners all the time. You always told me didn't put in the work, and the funny thing is, for the first time, on this drive, get there, I did. Sure, I cut all the corners, but I wanted to to put in the work. But you're right, I never put a second of effort in, and if this is how it ends, I suppose you're right, I never will. But I guess, one way or another, you're getting what you've wanted, what you text me, what you don't tell me about, and what I didn't care about. I was coming home for him and damn it, I know it won't hold up in court but I want my boy to get the damn truck!
Anyway, I found the road, 2 lanes clear to the sky, surrounded by corn and then pumpkin fields forever. My straight shot, I pushed 80 the whole way flying on cracked asphalt, diesel, and go-pills. Ahead, there were barricades and I applied the brakes and barely stopped in time. I got out and saw they were chained up with a padlock to concrete posts in the ground. In theory, I could blast through them but I would sustain serious damage. The ground was a bit wet so I didn't think I could cross the ditch and field and not get stuck either. The barricades were not official in the least. They had a sign on them made out of it mailbox stick-on letters which said: “Do Not Feed The Pumpkins”. As far as I could see from my cab and binoculars, there was absolutely nothing wrong with the damn road. I said hell and I knew it would take hours to reverse course and get back in time – in time to even unload much less make it in time to go trick o treating.
And I said it wasn't worth it. I didn't bother to call. I'd just show up now. Because it wasn't my fault. So I started back, turning around with great difficulty. I traveled back 2 miles and saw small signs for a rest area. I must have missed it the first time, too deep into the zone I suppose now. I needed to pee and probably eat a bit before starting a roundabout way back, so I stopped. It was a little old 2 story joint with a small dinner on the 1st level and looked like 4 or 5 small motel rooms on top and oddly an outhouse for a restroom. I want to emphasize the outhouse because that is how you'll find and catch this guy, the guy who did this to me. It was Bill Shaw of Shaw's Shack, who did this to me. It had a sign with the building, it too was made of stick-on letters and vaguely resembled a huge ransom note. It read “Yes! We are open! We are the only rest area for 67 miles and 1 of 2 “tombstones” for the late great town of Pumpkin Grove Illinois – the former pumpkin capital of Illinois. Ask Your host, Bill Shaw about the Pumpkin-beef-bean stew!
The parking lot had three vehicles in it, not including my own, a silver Prius, a grand cheeroke with wood panels, and an older model chevy pick up truck. I went inside. The dinner was small, set in a rustic décor with old license plates nailed to the walls. The cafe had eight counter seats and two smaller tables near the two windows. There were two witnesses to what happened that night, to what Bill Shaw did – at least partial witnesses. There was the older man with stringy white hair and octagonal glasses – unfortunately, I didn't get his name. There was that irritating millennial – All I remember is the metal crap in her ears and lip. Hell, if I die and John starts ever pulling that crap, I'll come back and haunt the crap out of both of you. Anyway, now, I wish I could remember their names or something else about them to put here. I didn't care about either one of them enough to remember.
I guess that goes for Shaw too. He was a bit taller as sometimes I couldn't see his face while sitting at the counter because of the low lights in the ceiling blocking his face. He had gray hair. Hell. That's it. Anyway, the old man said he was part of a historical society, said he spent the better part of his past two years tracking down anyone or anything about Pumpkin Grove. The college student – of course – it was college student said she was from the school newspaper, looking for a spooky story. When she asked me where I was from, I didn't respond.
Shaw came from the kitchen with two big bowls of the famous Pumpkin-beef-bean stew for first two. He seemed taken back by my presence for a bit before saying “howdy” and trying to get real friendly with me. He asked what media I was from. I told him I wasn't from no media and I was trying to get through the barricade up ahead. Neither of the other two seemed to know about the barricade. Shaw said he didn't know anything about it either. I was suspicious of him then because of the lettering on the signs. But I didn't push it. I wanted to eat and he said my choice was the stew or stew. So the stew seemed fine. He said he wished he had more time to chat with me but he promised to tell the story of Pumpkin Grove to the two others but I was welcome to listen and ask questions. I didn't say it but I couldn't care less, I was going no where fast and I needed to eat.
He started off by saying he and his wife are among a handful of survivors of the fire that consumed the town of Pumpkin Grove some 30 years ago on Halloween night. Then his story descended into a cross between a rambling fading nightmare and a ghost story. He said, without hesitation, fear of consequence or remorse that he was accessory to a murder in his childhood. Specifically, some 40 years ago, again on Halloween, he was friends with a small group of young men including one named Donnie, who was a little slow and had a slightly misshaped head. He was picked on a lot by the Gerst Brothers, notorious town bullies and teenage thugs of a bad seed thanks to their neglectful alcoholic single father. Long story short, he said, the Gerst Brothers lured Donnie, himself and another 2 boys out to a pumpkin field where they gave back Donnie's missing dog. Apparently they kidnapped the dog and wrapped every inch of it in duct tape a few days ago. They watched us try to peel and pull the duct tape off while the weakened, hungry, and thirsty dog whimpered away its last in the field. Unbeknownst to any of us, Donnie had a pocket knife and he lost it as the Gerst Brothers cackled around him and the dead dog. He leaped up as they laughed and sliced the vein on their necks. One of the Brothers died quickly while Donnie and the two others fought the other to death. Shaw said he just stood there, covered in arterial blood splatters, watching Donnie and the others finish off the Gersts.
Much of the town was shockingly grateful to hear the Gerst Brothers were dead and everyone was all too happy to sweep it under the rug rather than have 4 of their sons incarcerated for decades when they were needed to help with the town's bread and butter – the Pumpkins. So, they buried the Gerst Brothers in that field and grew pumpkins on their corpses and no one really talked about it. The town paid off their father, who was too inebriated most of the time to care and he gleefully drank himself to death on the payoff only about a year later.
I didn't have much of a reaction to the story. The historian on the other hand, was hesitant to stay and keep writing and he made a brief protest concerning whether or not the story was true and whether or not he could legally listen to it. Shaw said it was both true and legal. After all, there was nothing left of the town and the remains were long gone and he himself, would not bare witness to himself. The college student's dumb metal encrusted mouth was agape in a mix of horror and disbelief.
I was waiting, patiently, might I add, for my stew. Shaw promised it would be up soon. He continued the story, stating that the fields produced abnormally well afterwards and 10 years later he was visiting his parents with his girlfriend for the annual Pumpkin fest. It was just that the pumpkins weren't just more numerous and larger, or more resistant to the rains and the fungus, they were alive and nothing could keep them tame or from spreading wider and wider. And everyone thought this was great at first, the profits were never higher but then weird things began to happen. Equipment went missing and two farm hands were crushed by a wagon full of pumpkins tipping over onto them in what was at first called a freak accident. Shaw recounted how he took his girlfriend through one of the patches and the vines seem to wind and grapple her legs, of course, Shaw's folks passed it off as her not being used to the mud but Shaw said he knew better.
Shaw continued to describe that over the days that led up to Halloween, the Jack O Lanterns on people's porches and elsewhere began to do some unusual things. Things like seemingly move by themselves from dusk to dawn, changing the carvings of their faces slightly, or appearing to “jump” off a table onto the porch without damage or apparent cause. On the morning of Halloween, Shaw said that he found his black cat, Lucky, incinerated in front of a jack o lantern as if it had breathed fire on to it from its mouth though they had long ago blown out the candle inside.
After the cat burning, the elderly man from the historical society tossed his spoon in his bowl. Shaw asked if something was wrong. The elderly man got up to leave and he said it tasted like bitter cold bull and his story was bull and thanked him for nothing. After checking the remaining contents of his bowl of stew, Shaw chased him out of the door, to his car, asking him what direction he planned to go home. When he peeled out of the parking lot he was headed southwest. Shaw came back in and threw up his hands.
I tell nothing but the truth, he said, most people can't handle it. Part of me wanted to go, but I was cozy there, it was warm and the story, while bull to me at the time, was entertaining enough. The SJW sitting down the way looked exhausted, barely keeping her eyes open as Shaw finished out the story. In short he said, Donnie approached him at dusk on Halloween while he and his family sat on the porch eagerly awaiting trick o treaters. Donnie said the Gerst Brothers are alive in the pumpkins and that they planned to burn the whole town down tonight. Donnie said, he had to tell Shaw because Shaw wasn't supposed to die, he was supposed to watch.
I rudely stopped him and demanded more stew. I was still hungry and the stew was somehow unsatisfying. When he returned, he finished the story, stating the town was suddenly engulfed in flames and their house in particular with Donnie on the porch, flash burned to the ground like napalm from an exploding pumpkin. He escaped with his family and his future wife in the pick up truck sitting outside now.
The college student said she felt like she needed to lay down, that she didn't think she could make back to the campus to the north. Shaw attended to getting her one of the rooms upstairs. I stayed down stairs and went to the back for more stew. I rubbed my eyes intensely and felt as if I too should stay for the night. But in the tug of war between fatigue and dexrine, the dexrine was slowly coming out ahead.
Next to the stew was a cutting board and a knife and on it was some bluish whitish powder which I found peculiar. On floor was a bottle of medication. It was Insomnex – a sleeping pill I use when I'm coming off of dexrine. The stew was dosed.
I ran to my truck and pulled out my dexrine and my revolver. As I climbed out of the driver's side, I could see Shaw running out of the dinner with a huge kitchen knife. I ducked under the trailer and back out on his side and pointed the gun at him.
What the hell I asked as I slowly advanced on him with my snub nose pointed at his head. He dropped the knife. He said, I just wanted to puncture your tires, I had to do something to stop you. I know you want to go north and I know you might be crazy enough and your truck tough enough to smash the barricades but I can't let you. I can't let anyone else go through, he said hysterically. I asked the dumb question about whether or not he set the barricades and just as I previously suspected, he did.
I'm supposed to watch, Shaw cried. No one can get through tonight, no can be allowed to. I told him to shut up as he rambled on about how he and his wife took it upon themselves to ward off travelers on Halloween Night. Its a cursed road tonight, he said, we're cursed to stay here and this is the best we can do to stop it from spreading. Its been calling us for 30 years, he went on, we tried to walk away but it kept on spreading, the pumpkins, he said gritting his teeth in anguish.
Maybe it was the dexrine and the insomnex working together, hell maybe it was the stew by itself but I just started to laugh as I guided Shaw back into the dinner and proceeded to duct tape him down to the dinner chair to make sure he could not cause anymore harm to anyone else until the police arrived. I had some cash on me, I wasn't a criminal, I wasn't going to make it seem like I tied him up and dinned and dashed, I was in the right, I was doing the lawful thing. So I left him exact change, no tip for the food. In the process of making change for myself, I found the padlock key in the cash drawer, I was certain of it at the time as I waved it in front of Shaw and he gasped and thrashed behind the duct tape the hardest.
I got into my truck and gunned it north towards the barricades, which, as I suspected was easily opened with the key I confiscated from Shaw. I got on my CB and started making emergency calls to the State Police, I gave them my name, the location of the diner, and Shaw's name. I was in the middle of nowhere so it didn't surprise me when I got static and no acknowledgment. I had no bars on my cell phone either but that is typical of central Illinois.
I was going along about 70. The sun was almost down but I hadn't seen the moon yet. I turned on the radio and found a classic rock station. The song was Born on the Bayou from CCR. The opening riff perked me up and reassured me that I had done everything all well and all good. If things held, there was a chance, I could get my freight unloaded and see John tonight. I was eagerly tapping the steering wheel waiting to bust into “When I was just a little boy...” But just as the lyrics should have entered, the radio station seemed to have accidentally reset the song, it just started over.
The sun faded away entirely and yet no moon came up. The sky was so dark but I didn't remember seeing any clouds or expecting any for that matter. The song continued restarting itself, the same opening again and again. I flipped through the other stations and all of them had it playing. Eventually, the digital clock on my dash began to spin wildly like the LCD numbers on the tuner while in scan mode. The truck buffeted and shook side to side despite my headlights showing no cause for it.
To my shock, ahead, in the distance was single traffic light. It was went from green, to yellow, and red, as any other traffic light but there were no lights or towns on this road. I slowed to 40, then 35 then to 30 as I entered an unnamed densely populated area with small buildings, stores, and houses and one traffic light. I came to a stop at the light and I looked around, locked my doors and tried to glimpse where I was. Where ever I was, I felt, I felt like I shouldn't be there. There were dim orange lights in some of the rooms of the houses at the edge of the intersection.
I looked up at one of the windows and I saw a figure with large head in the window. I couldn't believe my eyes at least not until the figure turned to face outward. It was a jack o lantern, a classic one with a black glow where the eyes, nose, and mouth sat. It was held up right by a thin vine structure that seemed to grow and stretch as it stuck its head out of the window and let out a barely audible shrill whistle and stared directly at me.
I gunned it. I blew the red light as the town seemed to collapse into nothing by dark green swelling pumpkin vine and a sea of glowing jack o lanterns in my side view mirrors. I hit the radio off because all I could hear on it was that whistle filtering through. I drove and the mass of jack o lanterns grew in the mirrors. I glimpsed the left and right windows and the plains were glowing black with more pumpkins rolling and creeping towards the road.
The road began to warp and bend as I started to red line my truck. The buffeting side to side became difficult to control as the engine groaned. I couldn't explain how the road began to shift nor how the moon, blood orange began to circle around me from horizon to horizon. Aside from the moon, I thought I was making progress as I couldn't see the vines nor the hundreds of blacklight pumpkins swirling after me.
The moon slowed and dipped down and I started climbing a hill. As I crested, the moon filled the entire windshield and more. It spun and then settled on a black light pumpkin face and bore down on the cab.
I don't know what happened next but I woke up in my cab. The was engine smoking. All I could see was mud and putrid rotten pumpkins as far as I could see. My Blue Jay was sunk up to the cab down in mud, vines and rot. It wasn't going anywhere in it without some serious assistance. To my right and left I saw dozens of other vehicles, most of them at least ten years old, also up their doors in mud and rot. Swarms of flies were visible all around in the boiling midday sun. I'm not really sure how long it has been or what time it really was because the clock on my phone is broken and simply reads as 99:99. I don't know what day it is. I have no cell signal and no radio.
Carly, I need to be honest with you. I cheated on you. Maybe a dozen times. I did it before I thought, before I knew you were doing it to me. I can't live by the rules of trucking, or marriage or anything. It is the road and you command it and that is the only rule. But now, I'm worried I've broken my last rule. I have no food and no water. There is no road here. There is only rule of a blazing sun with jack o lantern face that never sets. I fear that in time, unless I find help or help finds me, I will be feeding the pumpkins.
Theo Plesha
2023.03.21 21:27 twiggs462 $IDVV - How AI Is Changing The Marketing Industry - Press Release 03/21/2023
How AI Is Changing The Marketing Industry - Press Release 03/21/2023
https://www.otcmarkets.com/stock/IDVV/news?id=394007
LOS ANGELES, CA / ACCESSWIRE / March 21, 2023 / Artificial Intelligence (AI) is among one of the top conversations these days. What is it? What can it do? Who does it affect. The truth is everyone is affected in some way shape or form. Recently International Endeavors Corporation (OTCPINK:IDVV) entered the AI Sector as it sees the potential for growth in somewhat of a turbulent economy. IDVV has started to implement a strategy to become involved in the AI sector in several areas including Marketing, Retail, and professional services. In this article we will be focusing on some of the impacts AI is expected to have in Marketing.
AI in Marketing
What's Occurring: One of buzziest forms of AI, generative AI, has the ability to produce digital images, conversational text, code and summaries of lengthy documents from a simple prompt. While it's still in its early days of development, it has big implications for jobs that include writing, coding and marketing products.
AI advances in marketing: In 2022, software development platform GitHub debuted GitHub Copilot, a tool that uses OpenAI models to write code based on a prompt. According to GitHub, Copilot is able to suggest methods, unit tests, boilerplate code and complex algorithms.
Some authors are using generative AI tools such as ChatGPT to co-write and illustrate books to sell on Amazon, and one legislator used it to help draft a law aimed at regulating AI. This isn't limited to startups, companies such as Microsoft and Google are integrating generative AI tools so office workers can do tasks like write emails or create presentations faster within their apps.
Jonathan Nelson, senior digital marketing manager of growth for the American Marketing Association, said marketers are experimenting with ChatGPT to write articles, including optimizing them for search engines, though they're not yet publishing those items.
"You have AI write a 1,000-word article, and then go through and edit it to make it sound human again," he said. "It's a framework for articles."
Jeff MacDonald, social strategy director at ad agency Mekanism, said he uses generative AI to brainstorm images for illustrators and designers. He also uses it to scrape TikTok comments and analyze reactions, ideas, and similarities and differences between brands.
Bill Martin of IDVV stated "We have recently begun making acquisitions in the AI sector to start implementing existing generative AI tools such as ChatGPT and Bard to create content marketing content and videos for specific industries. There's still a slight human element involved, but we're working to resolve that. We recently brought on our first client in the finance sector and they are seeing the desired results. We're bringing on more clients in other areas very soon, it's exciting!"
How jobs could evolve: Generative AI tools have the ability to help people become more productive, especially with content creation. That could mean using AI for a first draft and social media posts to solve simple problems or provide summaries of complex topics.
Though much is still experimental, marketers have a sense that they'll soon work with AI if they aren't already, even if it's just to help determine the success of a campaign. But it will be important for the industry to keep human creativity front and center.
Human involvement will most likely always be required in some ways, otherwise everything will repeat itself, and nothing will stand out.
Jeremy Smith, Founder of SF Corp, a company recently acquired by IDVV stated "Jobs will change, but in a positive way. The uses for AI that we're developing enhance human performance. Similar to how Steve Jobs used to state that the personal computer is like a bicycle for the mind. The AI Tools we're creating are like a bicycle for marketers to be able to increase productivity and stand out in competitive areas. Today Google just released BARD, it's getting interesting"
We encourage everyone to follow us.
Twitter
https://twitter.com/IDVVcorp
Website
https://IDVVCORP.COM
About Us
International Endeavors Corporation ("IEC") is a technology holdings company focused on Clean Energy, Crypto and A.I.
Specializing in solar technology, battery storage, as well as clean energy crypto mining options for both on & off grid.
We're currently implementing EV2G / Bi-directional charging options, thus allowing you to use your electric vehicle as a means of a backup battery, or to sell power back to the grid.
In 2022 IDVV started to offer its clients a Clean Energy Crypto mining solution. Our Plug-n-Play mining rigs can be installed in existing or current systems and allows the option to sell power back to the grid or mine crypto currency with any power surplus.
In 2023 We acquired WITech as part of an expansion into the AI Sector. We are incorporating AI technology into our crypto offerings, and developing a platform for AI Content Marketing.
The Company currently is reporting its financial information on OTCMarkets.
Our filings can be seen at https://www.otcmarkets.com
About SF Corp
SF Corp, formed by Jeremy Smith in 2020 is currently operating in Nevada. It has developed automated and artificial intelligence technologies for several industries including Auto, Medical, Robotics and Financial.
Disclaimer
Forward-Looking Statements are included within the meaning of Section 27A of the Securities Act of 1933, and Section 21E of the Securities Exchange Act of 1934, as amended. All statements regarding our expected future financial position, results of operations, cash flows, financing plans, business strategy, products and services, competitive positions, growth opportunities, plans and objectives of management for future operations, including words such as "anticipate," "if," "believe," "plan," "estimate," "expect," "intend," "may," "could," "should," "will," and other similar expressions are forward-looking statements and involve risks, uncertainties and contingencies, many of which are beyond our control, which may cause actual results, performance, or achievements to differ materially from anticipated results, performance, or achievements. International Endeavors Corporation (IDVV) is under no obligation to (and expressly disclaim any such obligation to) update or alter our forward-looking statements, whether as a result of new information, future events, or otherwise.
Contact:
Bill Martin, Vice President Phone: 1-619-343-3199 Email: [email protected]
SOURCE: International Endeavors Corporation, Inc.
View source version on accesswire.com: https://www.accesswire.com/745008/How-AI-Is-Changing-The-Marketing-Industry
submitted by twiggs462 to PennyStocksDD [link] [comments]
https://www.otcmarkets.com/stock/IDVV/news?id=394007
LOS ANGELES, CA / ACCESSWIRE / March 21, 2023 / Artificial Intelligence (AI) is among one of the top conversations these days. What is it? What can it do? Who does it affect. The truth is everyone is affected in some way shape or form. Recently International Endeavors Corporation (OTCPINK:IDVV) entered the AI Sector as it sees the potential for growth in somewhat of a turbulent economy. IDVV has started to implement a strategy to become involved in the AI sector in several areas including Marketing, Retail, and professional services. In this article we will be focusing on some of the impacts AI is expected to have in Marketing.
AI in Marketing
What's Occurring: One of buzziest forms of AI, generative AI, has the ability to produce digital images, conversational text, code and summaries of lengthy documents from a simple prompt. While it's still in its early days of development, it has big implications for jobs that include writing, coding and marketing products.
AI advances in marketing: In 2022, software development platform GitHub debuted GitHub Copilot, a tool that uses OpenAI models to write code based on a prompt. According to GitHub, Copilot is able to suggest methods, unit tests, boilerplate code and complex algorithms.
Some authors are using generative AI tools such as ChatGPT to co-write and illustrate books to sell on Amazon, and one legislator used it to help draft a law aimed at regulating AI. This isn't limited to startups, companies such as Microsoft and Google are integrating generative AI tools so office workers can do tasks like write emails or create presentations faster within their apps.
Jonathan Nelson, senior digital marketing manager of growth for the American Marketing Association, said marketers are experimenting with ChatGPT to write articles, including optimizing them for search engines, though they're not yet publishing those items.
"You have AI write a 1,000-word article, and then go through and edit it to make it sound human again," he said. "It's a framework for articles."
Jeff MacDonald, social strategy director at ad agency Mekanism, said he uses generative AI to brainstorm images for illustrators and designers. He also uses it to scrape TikTok comments and analyze reactions, ideas, and similarities and differences between brands.
Bill Martin of IDVV stated "We have recently begun making acquisitions in the AI sector to start implementing existing generative AI tools such as ChatGPT and Bard to create content marketing content and videos for specific industries. There's still a slight human element involved, but we're working to resolve that. We recently brought on our first client in the finance sector and they are seeing the desired results. We're bringing on more clients in other areas very soon, it's exciting!"
How jobs could evolve: Generative AI tools have the ability to help people become more productive, especially with content creation. That could mean using AI for a first draft and social media posts to solve simple problems or provide summaries of complex topics.
Though much is still experimental, marketers have a sense that they'll soon work with AI if they aren't already, even if it's just to help determine the success of a campaign. But it will be important for the industry to keep human creativity front and center.
Human involvement will most likely always be required in some ways, otherwise everything will repeat itself, and nothing will stand out.
Jeremy Smith, Founder of SF Corp, a company recently acquired by IDVV stated "Jobs will change, but in a positive way. The uses for AI that we're developing enhance human performance. Similar to how Steve Jobs used to state that the personal computer is like a bicycle for the mind. The AI Tools we're creating are like a bicycle for marketers to be able to increase productivity and stand out in competitive areas. Today Google just released BARD, it's getting interesting"
We encourage everyone to follow us.
https://twitter.com/IDVVcorp
Website
https://IDVVCORP.COM
About Us
International Endeavors Corporation ("IEC") is a technology holdings company focused on Clean Energy, Crypto and A.I.
Specializing in solar technology, battery storage, as well as clean energy crypto mining options for both on & off grid.
We're currently implementing EV2G / Bi-directional charging options, thus allowing you to use your electric vehicle as a means of a backup battery, or to sell power back to the grid.
In 2022 IDVV started to offer its clients a Clean Energy Crypto mining solution. Our Plug-n-Play mining rigs can be installed in existing or current systems and allows the option to sell power back to the grid or mine crypto currency with any power surplus.
In 2023 We acquired WITech as part of an expansion into the AI Sector. We are incorporating AI technology into our crypto offerings, and developing a platform for AI Content Marketing.
The Company currently is reporting its financial information on OTCMarkets.
Our filings can be seen at https://www.otcmarkets.com
About SF Corp
SF Corp, formed by Jeremy Smith in 2020 is currently operating in Nevada. It has developed automated and artificial intelligence technologies for several industries including Auto, Medical, Robotics and Financial.
Disclaimer
Forward-Looking Statements are included within the meaning of Section 27A of the Securities Act of 1933, and Section 21E of the Securities Exchange Act of 1934, as amended. All statements regarding our expected future financial position, results of operations, cash flows, financing plans, business strategy, products and services, competitive positions, growth opportunities, plans and objectives of management for future operations, including words such as "anticipate," "if," "believe," "plan," "estimate," "expect," "intend," "may," "could," "should," "will," and other similar expressions are forward-looking statements and involve risks, uncertainties and contingencies, many of which are beyond our control, which may cause actual results, performance, or achievements to differ materially from anticipated results, performance, or achievements. International Endeavors Corporation (IDVV) is under no obligation to (and expressly disclaim any such obligation to) update or alter our forward-looking statements, whether as a result of new information, future events, or otherwise.
Contact:
Bill Martin, Vice President Phone: 1-619-343-3199 Email: [email protected]
SOURCE: International Endeavors Corporation, Inc.
View source version on accesswire.com: https://www.accesswire.com/745008/How-AI-Is-Changing-The-Marketing-Industry
2023.03.21 21:26 Nestledrink GTC 23 Megathread - NVIDIA to Bring AI to Every Industry
Highlights
Main GTC 2023 Link - http://www.nvidia.com/gtc/keynoteKeynote Link - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DiGB5uAYKAg
Keynote Wrap Up - https://blogs.nvidia.com/blog/2023/03/21/gtc-keynote-spring-2023/
Announcement Links
Developer Blogs
Highlighted GTC Sessions
| Title | GTC Session Link |
|---|---|
| Connect with the Experts: Announcing the Jetson Orin Nano devkit for Edge AI – Deep Dive Q&A w/ Jetson Engineers [CWES52132] | Session Link |
| Fireside Chat with Ilya Sutskever and Jensen Huang: AI Today and Vision of the Future [S52092] | Session Link |
| 3D by AI: Using Generative AI and NeRFs for Building Virtual Worlds [S52163] | Session Link |
| Change the World With a Career in AI [SE52162] | Session Link |
Enjoy GTC 23!
2023.03.21 21:23 mavericklovesthe80s Had my 1st intake today
Like it says on the tin, I had my first intake today at a genderclinic. It will be long just so you know. Tw: female body parts, dysphoria, mentioning of genitalia and sex.
I am just going to write down how the conversation went and what questions were asked in case anyone wants to know what to expect. Now this is in the Netherlands so I don't know how other countries work. I had to send a autobiographical intake list beforehand which basically asked me to describe when the dysphoria started, when I realized I am trans, what my family looks like, how my childhood was, etc. It also asked me to put down a timeline of all the things I have noticed from the age of 0 to now regarding gender. This resulted in a 20 page intake form. Could be shorter for other guys, but I've just had an eventfull life lol. So today was the actual intake. They asked why I was there and to describe what my issues were in my own words. I said that I wanted to start my medical transition as I have already socially transitioned. They asked why and I answered that I continue to feel trapped in my feminin body and I want my body to reflect how I feel inside. They asked why now (I am 44). I answered that up until then I did not feel the space or had the safety nor had the opportunity to start. I also for the longest time did not connect the dots, that I could be trans. I just felt awkward and disconnected the whole time and thought that it was linked to other stuff in my past. But as those were taken care off and I processed them, did therapy etc, the awkwardness remained. They asked me where I had therapy and what my diagnoses was. Now I don't think that was very relevant, because it was more than 20 years ago, but I answered them nonetheless. They seemed surprised about the lack of diagnoses ( I was diagnosed with evasive personality trades and borderline trades). I think that in that time that was rather the fashion. Everyone who went to therapy was diagnosed with borderline trades. Only because I said I felt angry all the time and I didn't know why (I do now by the way). Obviously women don't get angry, anyways I am digressing. The awkwardness was with me the whole time as I went through live. Occasionally flaring up but I would just push it back down again, because I didn't know what to do with it. Until I lost 30 kg of my weight due to healthcare reasons and due to corona lockdown I could not get my hair cut. I felt hugely uncomfortable in my own body as it became more and more recognizably feminin. They then asked me to describe my dysphoria, which in itself was dysphoria inducing. So be aware of that. I described my hate of my chest, my wide hips, small shoulders, feminin curves, high voice, feminin jawline and hair and lack of facial hair. They asked what I wanted. Which threw me a bit, because I thought I had to defend why I thought I am trans enough some more. So she started writing down what I wanted. And it was very matter of factly, like do you want your brests removed, do you want to have a lower voice, more masculine features, etc.. Eventually she asked what I wanted to do about my genitals. I said what do you mean ( I was a bit shocked by the point blanc question tbh)..So she said do you want a penis. And I was a bit taken a back by her forwardness in this. I said that I was not sure. She asked me why. I replied that I am not sure because if I look at the results online and how other transmen describe it, it's not risk free and a lot can (and does) go wrong and that made me kinda wary of it. She pointed out that there are also positive results online and how I felt about those when I looked at them. I replied that "in a perfect world" if someone would asked me that, I would say "yes off course", but that that's not the case and I still need to be fit enough to be able to take care of my son and support my wife. She asked me what my greatest concern was. First thing that popped in my head was, for example you don't feel anything anymore, ever. Second one was, my dick falling off because off gangreen, but I didn't say that out loud. So she said like you wouldn't be able to orgasm anymore. I said yes to that (because for me that is a big deal). I am mean why would you want a dick if you can't have fun with it? I kinda felt a bit embarrased by this whole part, because these are like my very personal private thoughts and now they are in the open. They then went on about who knew already that I am a transman which, for me, is basically everyone now. She asked about my wife and son and my family. How my support system is and if I know off any other trans men irl. Which, thank God, I do. She then explained that next time my partner needs to come with me and they will try to get a better picture of what kind of man I am. I need to fill in a lot of psychiatric assesment lists, which will be emailed to me. Then they will ask an inhouse psychiatrist for a 2nd opinion, who will, most, likely want to see me too. And if they are satisfied with the results, I will be referred to a hospital to start my medical transition. So the story continues in 8 weeks.
submitted by mavericklovesthe80s to FTMOver30 [link] [comments]
I am just going to write down how the conversation went and what questions were asked in case anyone wants to know what to expect. Now this is in the Netherlands so I don't know how other countries work. I had to send a autobiographical intake list beforehand which basically asked me to describe when the dysphoria started, when I realized I am trans, what my family looks like, how my childhood was, etc. It also asked me to put down a timeline of all the things I have noticed from the age of 0 to now regarding gender. This resulted in a 20 page intake form. Could be shorter for other guys, but I've just had an eventfull life lol. So today was the actual intake. They asked why I was there and to describe what my issues were in my own words. I said that I wanted to start my medical transition as I have already socially transitioned. They asked why and I answered that I continue to feel trapped in my feminin body and I want my body to reflect how I feel inside. They asked why now (I am 44). I answered that up until then I did not feel the space or had the safety nor had the opportunity to start. I also for the longest time did not connect the dots, that I could be trans. I just felt awkward and disconnected the whole time and thought that it was linked to other stuff in my past. But as those were taken care off and I processed them, did therapy etc, the awkwardness remained. They asked me where I had therapy and what my diagnoses was. Now I don't think that was very relevant, because it was more than 20 years ago, but I answered them nonetheless. They seemed surprised about the lack of diagnoses ( I was diagnosed with evasive personality trades and borderline trades). I think that in that time that was rather the fashion. Everyone who went to therapy was diagnosed with borderline trades. Only because I said I felt angry all the time and I didn't know why (I do now by the way). Obviously women don't get angry, anyways I am digressing. The awkwardness was with me the whole time as I went through live. Occasionally flaring up but I would just push it back down again, because I didn't know what to do with it. Until I lost 30 kg of my weight due to healthcare reasons and due to corona lockdown I could not get my hair cut. I felt hugely uncomfortable in my own body as it became more and more recognizably feminin. They then asked me to describe my dysphoria, which in itself was dysphoria inducing. So be aware of that. I described my hate of my chest, my wide hips, small shoulders, feminin curves, high voice, feminin jawline and hair and lack of facial hair. They asked what I wanted. Which threw me a bit, because I thought I had to defend why I thought I am trans enough some more. So she started writing down what I wanted. And it was very matter of factly, like do you want your brests removed, do you want to have a lower voice, more masculine features, etc.. Eventually she asked what I wanted to do about my genitals. I said what do you mean ( I was a bit shocked by the point blanc question tbh)..So she said do you want a penis. And I was a bit taken a back by her forwardness in this. I said that I was not sure. She asked me why. I replied that I am not sure because if I look at the results online and how other transmen describe it, it's not risk free and a lot can (and does) go wrong and that made me kinda wary of it. She pointed out that there are also positive results online and how I felt about those when I looked at them. I replied that "in a perfect world" if someone would asked me that, I would say "yes off course", but that that's not the case and I still need to be fit enough to be able to take care of my son and support my wife. She asked me what my greatest concern was. First thing that popped in my head was, for example you don't feel anything anymore, ever. Second one was, my dick falling off because off gangreen, but I didn't say that out loud. So she said like you wouldn't be able to orgasm anymore. I said yes to that (because for me that is a big deal). I am mean why would you want a dick if you can't have fun with it? I kinda felt a bit embarrased by this whole part, because these are like my very personal private thoughts and now they are in the open. They then went on about who knew already that I am a transman which, for me, is basically everyone now. She asked about my wife and son and my family. How my support system is and if I know off any other trans men irl. Which, thank God, I do. She then explained that next time my partner needs to come with me and they will try to get a better picture of what kind of man I am. I need to fill in a lot of psychiatric assesment lists, which will be emailed to me. Then they will ask an inhouse psychiatrist for a 2nd opinion, who will, most, likely want to see me too. And if they are satisfied with the results, I will be referred to a hospital to start my medical transition. So the story continues in 8 weeks.
2023.03.21 21:15 Imaginary_Olive209 School List Help: 3.9 GPA 516 MCAT
Hi! I would appreciate some guidance on my school list. Any school I should take off or add? Anything I should do in the last couple months to help my application? Thanks!
Texas resident, ORM (white)
cGPA: 3.94 sGPA: 3.9 MCAT: 516 (130/125/129/132)
1200+ hours clinical experience as ED scribe. Will be more by the time of matriculation as I plan to keep this job until then.
1500+ hours in research in parasitology lab. Have my own project but not doing poster presentation until August 2023 and planning for publication in December 2023. So sadly don’t have anything to show for it when I apply except for good rec letter from my PI.
950 hours as Supplemental Instructor for gen bio, gen chem, and orgo 1. Also about 40 extra hours here in leadership from being an SI “mentor” for other newer SI’s.
25 hours virtual shadowing. Working on contacting some physicians in my area to get some in person shadowing done so this should hopefully go up soon.
75 community volunteer hours. 25 with Big Brothers Big Sisters and 50 with Meals on Wheels. Continuing until matriculation so hours will continue to increase.
50 hours clinical volunteering with PTSD and TBI clinical trial. Also continuing until matriculation so hours will continue to increase.
1000+ hours for other extracurriculars as I was a loper for a cutting horse trainer my first three semesters of undergrad.
Ties to other states: Alabama (family there) Washington DC (family there) Georgia (kinda sorta ties cause I was born there but parents moved to Texas when I was two weeks old so not sure if this counts lol)
School List:
Baylor
UT Medical Branch
UT Southwestern
Texas A&M
Texas Tech at Lubbock
Texas Tech at El Paso
UT Tyler
Long School of Medicine
McGovern School of Medicine
Dell Medical School
UT Rio Grande Valley
TCU School of Medicine
Emory University
George Washington University
Case Western
Duke
Geisel at Dartmouth
Tulane University
University of Colorado
Renaissance at Stony Brook
Mayo Clinic Alix
I know I’m lower on service/volunteer hours, so is anyone on my list service heavy and I should take them off? Is my list too top heavy? Also, as far as I’m aware none of these schools require PREview (I am going to double check this soon), but if anyone knows if any of these schools do require it please let me know!!
Thanks all!!
submitted by Imaginary_Olive209 to premed [link] [comments]
Texas resident, ORM (white)
cGPA: 3.94 sGPA: 3.9 MCAT: 516 (130/125/129/132)
1200+ hours clinical experience as ED scribe. Will be more by the time of matriculation as I plan to keep this job until then.
1500+ hours in research in parasitology lab. Have my own project but not doing poster presentation until August 2023 and planning for publication in December 2023. So sadly don’t have anything to show for it when I apply except for good rec letter from my PI.
950 hours as Supplemental Instructor for gen bio, gen chem, and orgo 1. Also about 40 extra hours here in leadership from being an SI “mentor” for other newer SI’s.
25 hours virtual shadowing. Working on contacting some physicians in my area to get some in person shadowing done so this should hopefully go up soon.
75 community volunteer hours. 25 with Big Brothers Big Sisters and 50 with Meals on Wheels. Continuing until matriculation so hours will continue to increase.
50 hours clinical volunteering with PTSD and TBI clinical trial. Also continuing until matriculation so hours will continue to increase.
1000+ hours for other extracurriculars as I was a loper for a cutting horse trainer my first three semesters of undergrad.
Ties to other states: Alabama (family there) Washington DC (family there) Georgia (kinda sorta ties cause I was born there but parents moved to Texas when I was two weeks old so not sure if this counts lol)
School List:
Baylor
UT Medical Branch
UT Southwestern
Texas A&M
Texas Tech at Lubbock
Texas Tech at El Paso
UT Tyler
Long School of Medicine
McGovern School of Medicine
Dell Medical School
UT Rio Grande Valley
TCU School of Medicine
Emory University
George Washington University
Case Western
Duke
Geisel at Dartmouth
Tulane University
University of Colorado
Renaissance at Stony Brook
Mayo Clinic Alix
I know I’m lower on service/volunteer hours, so is anyone on my list service heavy and I should take them off? Is my list too top heavy? Also, as far as I’m aware none of these schools require PREview (I am going to double check this soon), but if anyone knows if any of these schools do require it please let me know!!
Thanks all!!
2023.03.21 20:57 dustyfaintingcouch Is anyone actually offended by the term natural birth?
Is anyone actually offended by the term “natural birth”?
Currently pregnant with #2 and planning a “natural” unmedicated home birth with a certified nurse midwife who works home births. For my first, I also did unmedicated but was in a birth center with CNMs and everything went super smooth so that’s why I feel confident in doing home birth this time around (as long as everything remains low risk obviously).
But whenever the term “natural birth” is brought up it seems like people push back and advocate for the term “unmedicated”. But at least in my experience, the people advocating against using the term natural birth are not self reporting as the ones offended by it. It always seems to be people pushing back in order to not offend anyone else, but I can’t recall anyone actually saying the term natural birth bothers them.
I’m a scientist, so I use the term “natural” in its literal definition to mean.. physiological, unassisted, without medical intervention, etc. and it doesn’t really have any connotation to me. Use of intervention is by its very definition not natural. That doesn’t mean it’s bad though, it’s just in the literal definition. It didn’t occur naturally. I’m super happy we have interventions for people who need or want them. For example I’m happy I have had all my **shots so I have immunity to some diseases. That’s not “natural” immunity, (I didn’t acquire it without medical intervention), but it’s a good thing nonetheless.
I know plenty of moms who have had cesareans, either as an emergency or elective, and I don’t think anyone would say that was a natural birth. Again, it’s a good thing. Not being natural isn’t bad or immoral or anything.
My idea is that the potential offense would come from a response like this: if someone says they’re planning or have had a natural birth, someone could respond or think “so does that mean my birth was unnatural?” Because I can see that unnatural definitely has a negative connotation culturally. I just don’t think it should. If you had or are planning on having augmentation or intervention (for whatever reason), and you feel like that is the best choice for you.. why should it matter how other people refer to their plan or their birth?
Maybe it’s just me coming from a family with members who are natural childbirth and lactation educators and advocates, so I grew up hearing and seeing natural births, that it surprised me when I first heard (online, I might add, not in real life) people saying “natural birth” isn’t a good term.
I’ve also heard that it’s inaccurate, but I think “unmedicated” is also inaccurate. What types of medications count? If you’re induced with Pitocin but don’t get an epidural, is that “unmedicated”? If you just use gas is that “unmedicated”? These terms to me seem equally imprecise, so I think you should just refer to your own plan/experience in the way that you resonate with and that feels most accurate to you and your experience.
TLDR; if you yourself are offended or bothered by or advocate for not saying “natural birth”, why? Why do you think we feel like something unnatural has to have a negative connotation when PLENTY of good and amazing things aren’t “natural”?
EDIT: ** I said “shots” because when I said vccines, the bot thought I was talking about CVID and removed it. I mean I’m not NOT talking about C*VID, but I also mean other illnesses as well.
submitted by dustyfaintingcouch to BabyBumps [link] [comments]
Currently pregnant with #2 and planning a “natural” unmedicated home birth with a certified nurse midwife who works home births. For my first, I also did unmedicated but was in a birth center with CNMs and everything went super smooth so that’s why I feel confident in doing home birth this time around (as long as everything remains low risk obviously).
But whenever the term “natural birth” is brought up it seems like people push back and advocate for the term “unmedicated”. But at least in my experience, the people advocating against using the term natural birth are not self reporting as the ones offended by it. It always seems to be people pushing back in order to not offend anyone else, but I can’t recall anyone actually saying the term natural birth bothers them.
I’m a scientist, so I use the term “natural” in its literal definition to mean.. physiological, unassisted, without medical intervention, etc. and it doesn’t really have any connotation to me. Use of intervention is by its very definition not natural. That doesn’t mean it’s bad though, it’s just in the literal definition. It didn’t occur naturally. I’m super happy we have interventions for people who need or want them. For example I’m happy I have had all my **shots so I have immunity to some diseases. That’s not “natural” immunity, (I didn’t acquire it without medical intervention), but it’s a good thing nonetheless.
I know plenty of moms who have had cesareans, either as an emergency or elective, and I don’t think anyone would say that was a natural birth. Again, it’s a good thing. Not being natural isn’t bad or immoral or anything.
My idea is that the potential offense would come from a response like this: if someone says they’re planning or have had a natural birth, someone could respond or think “so does that mean my birth was unnatural?” Because I can see that unnatural definitely has a negative connotation culturally. I just don’t think it should. If you had or are planning on having augmentation or intervention (for whatever reason), and you feel like that is the best choice for you.. why should it matter how other people refer to their plan or their birth?
Maybe it’s just me coming from a family with members who are natural childbirth and lactation educators and advocates, so I grew up hearing and seeing natural births, that it surprised me when I first heard (online, I might add, not in real life) people saying “natural birth” isn’t a good term.
I’ve also heard that it’s inaccurate, but I think “unmedicated” is also inaccurate. What types of medications count? If you’re induced with Pitocin but don’t get an epidural, is that “unmedicated”? If you just use gas is that “unmedicated”? These terms to me seem equally imprecise, so I think you should just refer to your own plan/experience in the way that you resonate with and that feels most accurate to you and your experience.
TLDR; if you yourself are offended or bothered by or advocate for not saying “natural birth”, why? Why do you think we feel like something unnatural has to have a negative connotation when PLENTY of good and amazing things aren’t “natural”?
EDIT: ** I said “shots” because when I said vccines, the bot thought I was talking about CVID and removed it. I mean I’m not NOT talking about C*VID, but I also mean other illnesses as well.
2023.03.21 20:51 Empty-Law2562 Missing Mickal P Minter
 | submitted by Empty-Law2562 to MissingPersonsSTX [link] [comments] |
2023.03.21 20:51 endersgame69 Adopted By Humans VI C38
We lay together that night. It seemed that this act was the ultimate stress reliever and comfort between bonded pairs, we’d done the same in our time together in Chi’cagoa Rea. Though we had little enough time together thanks to her ship obligations in the immediate time after that, as she’d engaged in a few extremely profitable trade runs from Earth to a Dlamias outlying colony that conveniently enough had no patrol ships around to ask any nosy questions about arrests or charges…
We made up for the lost time when we could.
Lisa always took full advantage of that absence, though as for what she thought of the Captain’s absences, [Redacted]. The homeworld did not get around to properly securing the colony where the liquor flowed from, until after the Earth government asked that she be pardoned as a show of good faith given her ‘exemplary services rendered in the pursuit of harmony between worlds’.
Which was a fancy way of saying she had a fanbase and it would look good if she were in favor again. I wag my tail sometimes, thinking of the apocalyptic fury that must have run through some bureaucrat’s veins when they had to process that request for an outlier turned infamous pirate. Even if she didn’t target the Dlamias fleet, her ability to wreak merry havoc must have presented all kinds of headaches back home. Not to mention stealing the ‘official envoy’s’ place.
That one did eventually arrive and now made occasional trade runs in a triangle shape between Earth, Dlamias, and the Maxiki home moon.
But I digress.
Our laying together proved relaxing to us both, and when she was nestled against me in the bed we shared, I would be lying if I said I could easily return to my former existence in general isolation.
The more I thought about it, the more the concept of human ‘pack like’ families appealed to me.
And I had a lot of time to think about it.
Unsurprisingly, a few days later a small team of six grief therapists arrived, three of them with experience dealing with what humans referred to as PTSD or, ‘Post Traumatic Stress Disorder’ or what Dlamias referred to as WIOS or ‘War Induced Outlier Syndrome’. In the past I would not have recognized it, but I cannot unsee what I have seen. And that is that the term ‘outlier’ in there is not just a medical identification for a traumatized soldier, but a deeply embedded mistrust of nonlinear thought and a noncompliance with the common cultural framework our government has approved.
In short, it helped make outliers appear inherently untrustworthy, though to their credit they recognized that soldiers were victims of this rather than internally flawed in some way.
I wasn’t present when the exerts arrived, but was present when the engineers on loan from Earth were assisting the Red Spark’s engineers with the installation of several virtual reality systems akin to what Bonny Red described as experiencing on board Captain Archer’s ship fifty years earlier.
Of course the new models were far more versatile and realistic, or so their chatter said.
“Yeah these things are great.” The skinny engineer in plain white overalls said as he tapped it, “There aren’t many like this one out there, the sense data is a lot more immersive, and the time dilation software is such that these Arachnae 9000 models can give you almost anything you want, thanks to their embedded creation kits. Now you can modify your games and customize them to your liking, and with Genesis mode, you can create your own world and games within it, and jump to other peoples designs on the network in the same way as long as they’ve either made it ‘public’ or given you a passkey access code.”
“That’ll make a good training system.” The engineer, Scotty, remarked. “Do we get to keep these after the mission?”
“Hell if I know. But…disconnecting them would be damn tough. And I don’t have a disconnect schedule date. So…probably?” The human remarked, “I’ve got to say, I envy you these things. Even the capital ships don’t all have these yet.”
I pretty quickly figured out that some of the humans on board the ship had pulled a few strings to get some entertainment on board the Red Spark. And probably done it quickly too, using the therapist costs as a late rider on a bill or something.
It was a guess, but I suspect, a good one.
As for the therapists themselves, as these systems were hooked up, the humans tested them and began installing the programs they would need. You might find this strange given that time dilating virtual simulators were used in the human confinement system of justice, as well as it simple games and the older models were used as toys to play games.
But as it turned out, virtual reality was also used in therapy.
I was able to briefly try one out while the therapists explained.
A therapist named ‘Carl’ went over it while the program ‘World of Healing’ loaded.
What began as a silent black world in which I stood, neither falling nor flying, nor seemingly standing on anything at all, stars came into view first, billions of tiny lights twinkling in the darkness. The sorts of things that inspired the dreams of generations.
Then there was grassland, rolling hills, and I was standing on soft earthen and green.
Then the hills loaded terraces with yet more greenery, and around them appeared little babbling brooks, creeks of water with the occasional small fish leaping through the water from one place to the next.
Then, young men and women clad in the outfits of human nurses, the traditional red and white shades.
The therapist appeared beside me a moment later, stepping out of the darkness as his avatar loaded. “Let there be light.” He said with a wave of his hand, and the sun began to rise in the distance. There was a strange warming sensation, like I’d stepped out into an early summer day, as well as the feel of a breeze, I looked down at my body, my hairs were moving.
“That’s good.” He said and cracked a little smile, he pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “Environments like this one are popular.” He said, “I actually worked on the development of some of these. The nurses,” he gestured to the unmoving simulations, “are designed to appear as nonthreatening as possible. Mostly female, but there is some demand for males as well. Do you know why?” He asked.
“No?” I didn’t, and as he began to walk down a trail of smooth stones that appeared beneath our feet, he explained.
“Do you know what the most common word among the wounded on the battlefield is?” He asked, and as we walked, I watched the scene continue to generate, the path leading to small islands of trees that swayed in the simulated breeze. I shook my head.
“Mother.” He replied. “Followed closely by ‘I’ and ‘want’ and ‘my’. In every language, the wounded scream for their mothers, even the fiercest, hardest, and most savage of men in their most painful hours, call for the one who provided care and comfort in their childhood. Usually, that is still the mother. Not always, mind you, but commonly.”
He smiled at the simulated nurse, and even without being activated, it made a radiant smile in return. “So we program the nurses of both sexes with simulated parental care and attention personalities. Ideally the personalities of the wounded based on known interview data are loaded beforehand to provide the best possible experience, thus allowing the AI to tailor itself to the needs of the wounded.”
I couldn’t deny I was impressed.
“And the environment?” I asked.
“A garden.” Carl replied, “Someone once said, ‘If any man has ever heard the voice of god, it was in a garden on a cool day.’ Our myths and legends often begin our existence in idyllic gardens. Of course we know those are just myths, stories. But it says something about our nature that when we need to create a paradise, ‘this’ is what we make.” He held his arms out as if to embrace the simulation.
“Running water has a calming effect, the feel of the ground and the breeze, the sun and the caring attendants, all serve to create the ideal environments for a group of wounded soldiers. The nurses,” he added, “can be taken over by real qualified people like myself to properly diagnose and help guide the healing of others. The truth is, we don’t heal anybody.”
“No?” I was surprised at his admission, and Carl stroked his russet beard and chuckled as he replied.
“No. A doctor of the body can claim he healed a disease or an injury. But people who deal with the mind, we are guides. That is all. PTSD isn’t something you ‘get over’. It doesn’t go away, it just goes from an open wound to a scar. It may hurt sometimes, like a scar, but it doesn’t have to dominate someone’s life. All we do, is try to make it easier for that scar to form. Environments like this?” He said rhetorically, “These are just ultra modern hospital beds.”
“Couldn’t you just, I don’t know, leave somebody in here for what feels like a hundred years until they’re a whole lot better?” I asked, and his head hung just a little.
“If we could do that, we would. But studies of simulation use show that long term continuous use makes it difficult to adapt to the real world again. In the distant past, astronauts who spent only a few weeks in space, took several days on Earth to remember that things they let go of wouldn’t just ‘float’ if they let go of them. I can only imagine how much coffee was wasted.”
He let out a mock gasp as we got to the little tree cluster where willow leaves hung in long strands to create a kind of gentle shadow casting barrier to the trunk within.
“If we leave somebody in a superhero game for what feels like a hundred years, they’ll try to use those powers in the real world. If we leave somebody here in paradise for a hundred years, they’ll no longer be able to function in reality. And time dilation in a simulation isn’t exactly the same as actually lived reality either. Even the best AI is predictable to a degree. The real world, not so much.”
That was unfortunate, but even so, I could see the use.
“So, an hour per day drawn out to a few days at a time for the grieving, the wounded, and whoever we need. We have simulations for almost everything. From the wounded veterans, to those who grieve the dead in a thousand times a thousand ways.” Carl seemed to me to be equal parts proud of, and saddened by, the existence of this simulated world.
“It gets really bad, doesn’t it?” I asked and out of curiosity, when we crossed a hill to find ourselves amidst an apple orchard, I reached up to pluck a bright red fruit from a branch. It felt so real in my hands. And there was even a real scent to it. ‘I wonder, can I taste it?’
“It does.” Carl replied. “A few decades ago there were some xenophobes who were protesting… something. I don’t remember what it was, I was a child at the time, but some of them managed to get a bunch of guns somewhere and took over a bridge and blocked a road. They brought out their wives and children to use as human shields, trying to force the government to kill them to create sympathy for their cause.”
The apple tasted fantastic, but at his words I coughed and spat and he slapped me several times on the back. This ran entirely counter to everything I’d studied in human society. My work showed that humans valued their offspring and mates to such an extreme degree that harming them was akin to suicide if the survivor got a chance to exact revenge.
“I see that sounds strange to you.” He affirmed and asked, “Are you alright?”
“Yes, yes but…” He slapped my back a few more times and then finished.
“There’s a subset of humans for whom mates and children are property, this is a dying cultural remnant of the past, but it dies hard. Xenophobes wouldn’t hesitate to use those they’re supposed to protect, as pawns for their vicious causes. My father actually worked with both the people who confronted them, and the unarmed people that were rescued.”
“How did it come out?” I asked.
“I was just a kid, I don’t know all the details. But the media stories that spun about it accused the xenophobes of every kind of abuse on their spouses and children, thousands of people were ‘doxxed’ when they posted support for the xenophobes actions. It’s like somebody was out to get them. It got messy, they were a laughing stock, referred to as maniacal cowards, and there were a lot of cartoons and comics where people whose faces and names were out there, became villains to be laughed at and despised. I guess pretty much any evil thing is easy to believe if you’ll put your own kid or your own spouse between you and a bullet just so other people will feel sad for you.” “I mean, were there deaths or…?” I wished I hadn’t asked, but he shook his head.
“No, not exactly. Some clever bastard came up with the idea of walling them in. They pushed these big metal walls into place to surround them, then tightened it up. Slid a roof overhead, and then gassed the lot of them with something to knock them out. There was a lot of gunfire, it made the news, but seeing them shooting at giant metal walls while hiding behind their families did nothing to help their cause. But there were a lot of people who needed mental healthcare to recover from that incident. That’s why I do what I do. My father did it, and I saw how badly it was needed. It’s kind of my purpose, I guess you could say.” Carl said and reached up to take a bite of an apple for himself.
“Tastes like reality.” He said, and then asked, “Have you seen enough?”
“Yes. But… thank you for coming, I think you can do a lot of good up here.” I said and he quickly recited the exit code.
“Admin Red Spark Arachnae nine thousand. Exit simulation.” He said, and the world faded away to nothing.
I was sure of one thing at least.
The wounded hearts were in good hands.
submitted by endersgame69 to TheWorldMaker [link] [comments]
We made up for the lost time when we could.
Lisa always took full advantage of that absence, though as for what she thought of the Captain’s absences, [Redacted]. The homeworld did not get around to properly securing the colony where the liquor flowed from, until after the Earth government asked that she be pardoned as a show of good faith given her ‘exemplary services rendered in the pursuit of harmony between worlds’.
Which was a fancy way of saying she had a fanbase and it would look good if she were in favor again. I wag my tail sometimes, thinking of the apocalyptic fury that must have run through some bureaucrat’s veins when they had to process that request for an outlier turned infamous pirate. Even if she didn’t target the Dlamias fleet, her ability to wreak merry havoc must have presented all kinds of headaches back home. Not to mention stealing the ‘official envoy’s’ place.
That one did eventually arrive and now made occasional trade runs in a triangle shape between Earth, Dlamias, and the Maxiki home moon.
But I digress.
Our laying together proved relaxing to us both, and when she was nestled against me in the bed we shared, I would be lying if I said I could easily return to my former existence in general isolation.
The more I thought about it, the more the concept of human ‘pack like’ families appealed to me.
And I had a lot of time to think about it.
Unsurprisingly, a few days later a small team of six grief therapists arrived, three of them with experience dealing with what humans referred to as PTSD or, ‘Post Traumatic Stress Disorder’ or what Dlamias referred to as WIOS or ‘War Induced Outlier Syndrome’. In the past I would not have recognized it, but I cannot unsee what I have seen. And that is that the term ‘outlier’ in there is not just a medical identification for a traumatized soldier, but a deeply embedded mistrust of nonlinear thought and a noncompliance with the common cultural framework our government has approved.
In short, it helped make outliers appear inherently untrustworthy, though to their credit they recognized that soldiers were victims of this rather than internally flawed in some way.
I wasn’t present when the exerts arrived, but was present when the engineers on loan from Earth were assisting the Red Spark’s engineers with the installation of several virtual reality systems akin to what Bonny Red described as experiencing on board Captain Archer’s ship fifty years earlier.
Of course the new models were far more versatile and realistic, or so their chatter said.
“Yeah these things are great.” The skinny engineer in plain white overalls said as he tapped it, “There aren’t many like this one out there, the sense data is a lot more immersive, and the time dilation software is such that these Arachnae 9000 models can give you almost anything you want, thanks to their embedded creation kits. Now you can modify your games and customize them to your liking, and with Genesis mode, you can create your own world and games within it, and jump to other peoples designs on the network in the same way as long as they’ve either made it ‘public’ or given you a passkey access code.”
“That’ll make a good training system.” The engineer, Scotty, remarked. “Do we get to keep these after the mission?”
“Hell if I know. But…disconnecting them would be damn tough. And I don’t have a disconnect schedule date. So…probably?” The human remarked, “I’ve got to say, I envy you these things. Even the capital ships don’t all have these yet.”
I pretty quickly figured out that some of the humans on board the ship had pulled a few strings to get some entertainment on board the Red Spark. And probably done it quickly too, using the therapist costs as a late rider on a bill or something.
It was a guess, but I suspect, a good one.
As for the therapists themselves, as these systems were hooked up, the humans tested them and began installing the programs they would need. You might find this strange given that time dilating virtual simulators were used in the human confinement system of justice, as well as it simple games and the older models were used as toys to play games.
But as it turned out, virtual reality was also used in therapy.
I was able to briefly try one out while the therapists explained.
A therapist named ‘Carl’ went over it while the program ‘World of Healing’ loaded.
What began as a silent black world in which I stood, neither falling nor flying, nor seemingly standing on anything at all, stars came into view first, billions of tiny lights twinkling in the darkness. The sorts of things that inspired the dreams of generations.
Then there was grassland, rolling hills, and I was standing on soft earthen and green.
Then the hills loaded terraces with yet more greenery, and around them appeared little babbling brooks, creeks of water with the occasional small fish leaping through the water from one place to the next.
Then, young men and women clad in the outfits of human nurses, the traditional red and white shades.
The therapist appeared beside me a moment later, stepping out of the darkness as his avatar loaded. “Let there be light.” He said with a wave of his hand, and the sun began to rise in the distance. There was a strange warming sensation, like I’d stepped out into an early summer day, as well as the feel of a breeze, I looked down at my body, my hairs were moving.
“That’s good.” He said and cracked a little smile, he pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “Environments like this one are popular.” He said, “I actually worked on the development of some of these. The nurses,” he gestured to the unmoving simulations, “are designed to appear as nonthreatening as possible. Mostly female, but there is some demand for males as well. Do you know why?” He asked.
“No?” I didn’t, and as he began to walk down a trail of smooth stones that appeared beneath our feet, he explained.
“Do you know what the most common word among the wounded on the battlefield is?” He asked, and as we walked, I watched the scene continue to generate, the path leading to small islands of trees that swayed in the simulated breeze. I shook my head.
“Mother.” He replied. “Followed closely by ‘I’ and ‘want’ and ‘my’. In every language, the wounded scream for their mothers, even the fiercest, hardest, and most savage of men in their most painful hours, call for the one who provided care and comfort in their childhood. Usually, that is still the mother. Not always, mind you, but commonly.”
He smiled at the simulated nurse, and even without being activated, it made a radiant smile in return. “So we program the nurses of both sexes with simulated parental care and attention personalities. Ideally the personalities of the wounded based on known interview data are loaded beforehand to provide the best possible experience, thus allowing the AI to tailor itself to the needs of the wounded.”
I couldn’t deny I was impressed.
“And the environment?” I asked.
“A garden.” Carl replied, “Someone once said, ‘If any man has ever heard the voice of god, it was in a garden on a cool day.’ Our myths and legends often begin our existence in idyllic gardens. Of course we know those are just myths, stories. But it says something about our nature that when we need to create a paradise, ‘this’ is what we make.” He held his arms out as if to embrace the simulation.
“Running water has a calming effect, the feel of the ground and the breeze, the sun and the caring attendants, all serve to create the ideal environments for a group of wounded soldiers. The nurses,” he added, “can be taken over by real qualified people like myself to properly diagnose and help guide the healing of others. The truth is, we don’t heal anybody.”
“No?” I was surprised at his admission, and Carl stroked his russet beard and chuckled as he replied.
“No. A doctor of the body can claim he healed a disease or an injury. But people who deal with the mind, we are guides. That is all. PTSD isn’t something you ‘get over’. It doesn’t go away, it just goes from an open wound to a scar. It may hurt sometimes, like a scar, but it doesn’t have to dominate someone’s life. All we do, is try to make it easier for that scar to form. Environments like this?” He said rhetorically, “These are just ultra modern hospital beds.”
“Couldn’t you just, I don’t know, leave somebody in here for what feels like a hundred years until they’re a whole lot better?” I asked, and his head hung just a little.
“If we could do that, we would. But studies of simulation use show that long term continuous use makes it difficult to adapt to the real world again. In the distant past, astronauts who spent only a few weeks in space, took several days on Earth to remember that things they let go of wouldn’t just ‘float’ if they let go of them. I can only imagine how much coffee was wasted.”
He let out a mock gasp as we got to the little tree cluster where willow leaves hung in long strands to create a kind of gentle shadow casting barrier to the trunk within.
“If we leave somebody in a superhero game for what feels like a hundred years, they’ll try to use those powers in the real world. If we leave somebody here in paradise for a hundred years, they’ll no longer be able to function in reality. And time dilation in a simulation isn’t exactly the same as actually lived reality either. Even the best AI is predictable to a degree. The real world, not so much.”
That was unfortunate, but even so, I could see the use.
“So, an hour per day drawn out to a few days at a time for the grieving, the wounded, and whoever we need. We have simulations for almost everything. From the wounded veterans, to those who grieve the dead in a thousand times a thousand ways.” Carl seemed to me to be equal parts proud of, and saddened by, the existence of this simulated world.
“It gets really bad, doesn’t it?” I asked and out of curiosity, when we crossed a hill to find ourselves amidst an apple orchard, I reached up to pluck a bright red fruit from a branch. It felt so real in my hands. And there was even a real scent to it. ‘I wonder, can I taste it?’
“It does.” Carl replied. “A few decades ago there were some xenophobes who were protesting… something. I don’t remember what it was, I was a child at the time, but some of them managed to get a bunch of guns somewhere and took over a bridge and blocked a road. They brought out their wives and children to use as human shields, trying to force the government to kill them to create sympathy for their cause.”
The apple tasted fantastic, but at his words I coughed and spat and he slapped me several times on the back. This ran entirely counter to everything I’d studied in human society. My work showed that humans valued their offspring and mates to such an extreme degree that harming them was akin to suicide if the survivor got a chance to exact revenge.
“I see that sounds strange to you.” He affirmed and asked, “Are you alright?”
“Yes, yes but…” He slapped my back a few more times and then finished.
“There’s a subset of humans for whom mates and children are property, this is a dying cultural remnant of the past, but it dies hard. Xenophobes wouldn’t hesitate to use those they’re supposed to protect, as pawns for their vicious causes. My father actually worked with both the people who confronted them, and the unarmed people that were rescued.”
“How did it come out?” I asked.
“I was just a kid, I don’t know all the details. But the media stories that spun about it accused the xenophobes of every kind of abuse on their spouses and children, thousands of people were ‘doxxed’ when they posted support for the xenophobes actions. It’s like somebody was out to get them. It got messy, they were a laughing stock, referred to as maniacal cowards, and there were a lot of cartoons and comics where people whose faces and names were out there, became villains to be laughed at and despised. I guess pretty much any evil thing is easy to believe if you’ll put your own kid or your own spouse between you and a bullet just so other people will feel sad for you.” “I mean, were there deaths or…?” I wished I hadn’t asked, but he shook his head.
“No, not exactly. Some clever bastard came up with the idea of walling them in. They pushed these big metal walls into place to surround them, then tightened it up. Slid a roof overhead, and then gassed the lot of them with something to knock them out. There was a lot of gunfire, it made the news, but seeing them shooting at giant metal walls while hiding behind their families did nothing to help their cause. But there were a lot of people who needed mental healthcare to recover from that incident. That’s why I do what I do. My father did it, and I saw how badly it was needed. It’s kind of my purpose, I guess you could say.” Carl said and reached up to take a bite of an apple for himself.
“Tastes like reality.” He said, and then asked, “Have you seen enough?”
“Yes. But… thank you for coming, I think you can do a lot of good up here.” I said and he quickly recited the exit code.
“Admin Red Spark Arachnae nine thousand. Exit simulation.” He said, and the world faded away to nothing.
I was sure of one thing at least.
The wounded hearts were in good hands.
2023.03.21 20:49 nonexistentgreen EN players - let's talk about cheating
So, Rank Match is coming to EN (in less than 12 hours as I’m writing this!). Maybe you’ve seen a few posts crop up on your twitter TL or randomly on this subreddit bringing up fear of cheaters. Maybe you haven’t and have only seen the ones saying “I’m no good, I’ll probably only languish in bronze” or something like that. But all the same, I think we need to treat with the topic.
Let’s talk about cheating. It’s rampant, and it needs to be recognized. It’s worth addressing. It’s worth keeping EN’s integrity as a server.
A little context, before I do: I'm a user from the community Sekai server (henceforth referred to as Sekaicord) linked on the sidebar. By habit, I am not a reddit user, and I apologize if this comes off too strong as a consequence. I understand this is a contentious topic, and I recognize that I might have perception bias if the only posts I see from here showcase the "worst" posts and not the actual "average" opinion on this — but, my impression is that, in general, this subreddit has a terrible track record when it comes to identifying cheaters, and an equally awful slate of defenses for their behavior. I'm writing this post not just to address some of these defenses, but also to open the conversation. The less we know about it, the less we can push the devs to take action on it. And likewise, the more we’re aware…
Some context for my viewpoints / experiences on the matter:
- I'm a Day 1 JP player, with 240+ Master FCs. I played EN from day 1 up until around Scramble, when the amount of external tiering drama got too much for me (and, if my handle on what happened during White Day is right, it hasn't gotten better). Level-wise, I’d be about Lv31-32 for FC skill and 26-28 AP-wise. Ask me for a handcam if you want. On Sekaicord I frequently talk to much better players — yes, even ones who can FC/AP 33+ songs (which are probably the most likely to get doubted). I asked a player with Lv34+ FCs (AMARA, 16bit, Intense Voice, Disappearance/END) to review this huge treatise before I wrote it out. I'm pretty confident as to their legitimacy and generally see some patterns that emerge as to why they are. I'll explain some of these here.
- I tend to give the benefit of the doubt to APs up to around Lv32 in the wild, but a lot of Lv33+ FCs tend to be more suspect for any number of reasons you can see from the co-op results screen.
- The atmosphere in Sekaicord around cheating is, as you can probably infer from my tone, highly distrusting. Cheaters are banned on sight once proof is established beyond doubt – so in fact, it surprises me that technically speaking, the rules on the subreddit’s sidebar don’t concretely penalize cheating!
But like many communities, it didn't start out like that. The dedicated gameplay channel was VERY happy to celebrate players' accomplishments (we used to have every 33+ FC pinned) and generally didn't ask for much proof — until Rank Match came on JP, and a player who we all thought was just insanely good got exposed (because JP caught and banned him). Here's the thing — he was a good player in his own right (i.e., Lv. 32+, but not good enough for the results he cheated), and the way he hid his results was much less blatant than some of the people later banned from the server for cheating, who… well, put in about as much effort as some of the cheaters that have been linked to me from here. This is how it goes for pretty much any community: break the established trust, and obviously nothing's the same afterward.
I will try to write this in such a way that it gives cheaters as few hints as possible on how to make their plays look more "legit"; I simply want to point out some of the common patterns that emerge when a cheater really is afoot (and which are never an issue for a legitimate player), and refute some of the more common defenses.
Another thing: yes, not everyone condescends to the level of some of these defenses I’ve written out. However, I’ve seen them appear enough in more or less these exact forms, unchallenged, that it’s worth quoting them in exactly the same way to give you an idea of what’s wrong with these viewpoints. This is not meant as a personal attack (moreso if you may have said something to these effects in the past); it’s simply an attack on the logic behind them.
Statements like these are, to put it bluntly, passive-aggressive and condescending towards people who might have genuine grounds for suspicion. People weren't born yesterday; we're fully aware that people on the level of HPS, MaengZombie, nanoflower, REN, STK, SkisK… exist. (I've specifically excluded jack just because he's the low-hanging fruit and also to point out that if one’s only knowledge of a "good player" is jack, well… there’s a whole world out there).
But the reason people don't cast doubt on those players is because they have put in the effort to be deserving of that trust. Every one of the players I've mentioned has videographic evidence — YouTube, Twitter clips, the list goes on. They frequently compete to get world-first on APs, and they're well aware that if you do not have a video that shows your hands, your play means nothing. For example, tweets purporting to show world-firsts on Six Trillion Years and Overnight Story were, pretty much without exception, disregarded by JP players when the user was silent on the question of handcams.
(The first recognized AP of Six Trillion Years is from SkisK , at 1d 1h 19m after release.)
(A little aside: JP players can be pretty ruthless about cheaters. From the official JP Discord, I passed by this message of someone posting a Yaminabe AP tweet with no proof on release day and was (not) surprised to see a slew of X-to-doubt reactions -- and, as with the tweet above which I had to resort to Wayback Machine to show you, it was later deleted presumably after getting called out.)
I also want to be clear on this: this also means that a player you don't expect CAN come out of nowhere and stake their claim on an achievement, as long as they have the proof to back their claim up. Here's a good example: the maxed score on Arcaea's hardest chart, Testify BYD, was achieved by a player (005saikou) who otherwise wasn't known for any other world-firsts! And — you guessed it — he had an annotated video to back up his claim, commenting on which parts he thought was hardest, and other peculiarities of the chart.
There's a common counterargument to (1) that goes something like
(2) "Well, maybe some people just don't want to show their hands / dox themselves / don't know how to record / etc."
Let's do this point-by-point.
2a) "...don't know how to record / not everyone has a second phone or camera to record handcams with..."
The trial-and-error process required to reach the level of play we're talking about 99% demands the ability to record, review, and rewatch your play. Even if you're not going to post it, you almost certainly will have tried it at some point on the road to 33+ just for your own "where did I go wrong?" purposes.
This argument is also an insult to the intelligence of a player; recording ISN'T EVEN HARD. Recording is built-in on iOS. Recording on Android is as simple as typing "screen recorder app" into Google Play Store (or its equivalent, for Xiaomi and other no-Google builds) and downloading the first free option that doesn't have ads every 0.1 seconds. While screen recordings are less trustworthy than handcams because, well, you can’t see what the player is doing in order to get that result, they’re trustworthy enough in conjunction with players who, besides a recording, can talk about what, why, and how they do what they’re doing (more on this below).
As for handcams, please don't be intimidated by the fact that most well-known YouTubers have professional-looking, crisp 1080p setups: even a grainy 480p view is enough as long as it's clear you're not pretending to mash away while a bot automatically PERFECTs the 200BPM portions of Intense Voice. Google "handcam setups", or DIY one by cutting a slit at the top of a cardboard box and pointing a camera lens down while you play from the bottom (my preferred solution). I have seen players who record themselves using cheap $20 webcams not even clipped to anywhere stable, players who ask to borrow a family member’s phone or camera for a paltry five minutes… anything to be honest! For as many cheaters I’ve seen accused, I’ve also seen nearly as many people who put in the effort to be honest, which deserves a good mention.
Just about every case I know of someone who wasn't a cheater was willing to provide a handcam of some sort. It doesn't matter if they took 30 minutes, five hours, or three days — they came back and defended themselves. I've even seen it on the EN discord! The first instinct of a cheater, by contrast, is to either stay completely silent and let other people do the defending for them, or to get extremely defensive and use some of the many arguments here.
Incidentally, there are legitimate examples I know of of completely unknown players who pop up one day in Sekaicord with some godlike play, and the reason they were believed on the spot? Handcam.
2b) "...don't want to show their hands / dox themselves..."
I suppose nothing can be done about that, but on this point I'd like to point out that Sekai is hardly the first (and will not be the last) rhythm game community to have doubters. This is frankly small-time compared to osu! players doing this like it's a JOB. And that comes down to a fundamental truth about rhythm games: difficult skill-based achievements have always had value because people SHOW they can be done. Consequently, if there is no proof, there is no value; if you're willing to make an outrageous claim; you best be prepared to show some outrageous play, or risk it not being worth anything at all.
There are other ways to show you clearly did what you're claiming to that don't involve a handcam, mind you — but they involve knowing what you're talking about, describing the chart / your strategies in detail, and, well, generally a certain level of passion about the intricacies of the game that most cheaters don't really seem to have, because they're only really here for the one fleeting shot at attention (mentioned this above already; skip to “spotting cheaters” below if you’re curious enough to know how).
Moving on…
(3) "But they posted a recording of…"
Let me be clear on this point: I personally (and many others) are not wondering if they photoshopped a rainbow clear diamond on a song; anyone can do that in three minutes. I am also not wondering (and do not care) if someone has a recording of themselves scrolling through a list of songs with a shiny line of rainbow diamonds, because that doesn't really mean anything if they cannot demonstrate the ability to repeat it (and that a bot didn't do it for them). On this point, most players aren't so letter-of-the-law obsessed as to demand a recording of a re-AP (understandable: players like Mita Kousuke take months even to get a singular AP on What's up? Pop! and there's no guarantee the perfect moment will be caught on camera for most players) — I (and many others) just want to see a level of play that reasonably LOOKS like they can do what they’re claiming to have done. Put simply, I really just want to see someone’s fingers dancing where the notes are landing, not their hands flailing miserably against the glass screen while a bot does the actual playing.
What would "reasonable" look like? Take a look at the Mita video as an example. While he lists some of his current personal bests at the top, you'll find that the majority of these streams are him failing, sometimes incredibly early, sometimes amazingly -- but the overall level of play is high. Players who've just finished with a feat from the night before / day before / two hours / 30 minutes before don't "rust over". A few hours' rest (if necessary) for exhausted hands is almost always enough to show something approaching legitimate if the player in question is legitimate -- again, no one's asking for a second AP.
(4) "You're just jealous!"
And? So what if I am? Since when was emotion a valid reason to stop reading and avoid the possibility that even people driven by emotion can make valid points? But part of why this argument is unusually effective is because most aren't aware of the common patterns that drive cheaters, and so valid arguments are often dismissed as being down to jealousy if you're not aware of why some of these defenses for cheaters just don't stick.
Part of why I shared the context of where I come from with this was partly to dispel this argument. I've long since accepted that there are people much better than me, and I want to explain why people (who don't necessarily have that chance) react the way they do towards cheaters without resorting to ad hominems like this.
But never mind me. If me potentially being jealous is enough to discount it at my sub-33 skill level, then would you believe the distaste for EN cheating if it came from the world-first AP on Kusaregedou to Chocolate? Incidentally, I assure you he's got nothing to be jealous of: after all, he's going to Tokyo for Spring CS and rubbing shoulders with HPS and the rest of the Sekai gods.
(5) "It's just a game, why would anyone cheat on Sekai?"
If you've ever heard a variation of the common schoolyard boast (or jokes about it) "my dad works at Nintendo / Game Freak / Activision / [insert AAA video game company here]", the answer is: it’s for exactly the same reason immature people have lied since the dawn of society — attention and self-esteem. Of course they gain nothing from this, it is just a game, after all — but kids literally lie just to win arguments as petty and easily-forgotten as those in a schoolyard. Why would Sekai be the first skill-based game (of many, many rhythm games out there) immune to this?
(6) "It's just a game, calm down lol"
I genuinely struggled to write an answer to this without getting a bit irritated; I’ve seen this so many times in so many places for so many wrong reasons. But what’s wrong with being passionate about a game? What’s wrong with wanting the pastime you settle into after a stressful day of work or school to be a fair playing ground? Why shouldn’t a game be taken seriously when competitive PvP games fuel multi-billion industries, have university scholarships, and round-the-clock teams and sport scientists analyzing them, and ignite the passions of people just as intensely as any “traditional” sport?
“Because that’s esports, and this is just Sekai”? Here, tell me you can’t feel the room shake when Mita APs Brand New Day live on stream.
What’s wrong with being passionate about something in the same way others, you included, are passionate about things besides Sekai – enough to be offended if someone said this exact same thing to you? What’s wrong with wanting fairness for one thing and not another?
(7) "Trust the cheat detection!"
I hate to have to say this, I really do, but automated cheat detection for EN is TERRIBLE. It might not even exist. As evidence I'd like to point towards some of the more infamous cheaters: the T2 for Mesmerized by Mermaids in EN. There are some pretty damning threads from long-time tierers that have explained the point in much more detail than I could eloquently say. Now, this exact cheater was defended by someone using the exact same argument I'm about to reply to, and it's just as fallacious now as it was then.
Allow me to explain exactly why "trust the cheat detection" doesn't fly.
- T2, as the threads I've linked demonstrate, was clearly botting, and did so for the entire week the event ran. So why didn't the supposed "cheat detection" pick this up? Why was T2 allowed to play all the way until the EVENT ENDED? Why was the event title AWARDED to T2, denying the T4 (nara) the T3 as a result?
- The appeal to authority argument particularly disgusts me because of one thing: JP has had its own issues with cheaters of a different nature: those who share accounts so that they can tier 24/7 with no downtime. The example I know of is from Unnamed Harmony: not only did they outright admit to account sharing (and insinuated that the t2 who lost was probably also cheating), they weren't banned. I use JP as an example for this reason: JP, which actually, proactively bans botters in Rank Match, still has cheaters that are left completely alone. How then, can you expect EN to have better scrutiny when even botters need a public outcry and a LOT of angry support desk mails just to get one T2 banned? (oh, and come back, and get that account banned too, and admit to committing about 7k euros worth of chargeback fraud…) No offense, but EN can't even herd its official discord channels together; how am I supposed to believe they have time for botters?
T2 Mermaids is hardly the only example there is — only the most notorious one. But if even the cases of people high enough to be in the ranking spotlight take so much effort to call out (no thanks to people spouting uneducated defenses and convincing enough people), how much more botters who just roam the wilds with all perfects that show with 0 notes hit?
Put another way: why use a tiering cheater as an example for skill-based cheating when tiering skill boils down to whoever has the stamina to slap Envy for the longest time? Answer: they use the same tools. The person running around with an EmpErroR AP in public rooms may be doing it to show off, while a tiering cheater may be doing it so they doesn’t lose sleep or struggle the same way their competitors do, but the means are (almost) always the same: a machine does the work for them. And if the game isn’t banning one of them… how can you be confident they’re banning the other?
“Well, that was months ago! They’re better now, I hope!”
The proof is in the pudding. If you’re right, then I’d be happier than anyone else.
Now, a little disclaimer, for fairness: most of the posts I’m aware of don’t actually involve the cheaters themselves risking getting caught on here, and so the uses for such red flags may not be easily applicable. But all the same, they go hand-in-hand with the (fallacious) defenses for cheaters, and it’s important to know what you’re looking for when someone inevitably comes here asking why they got banned (for “no reason”) assuming EN is any trustworthy when Rank Match hits.
Keep in mind: each of these ALONE does not mean someone is a cheater — it's when red flags like these, ALONG with refusing to provide videographic proof, come together, that someone becomes more and more suspicious.
(1) Unrealistic timeframes for improvement
Let's not mince words here: the highest levels of Sekai are HARD. As in, it competes with "pure" rhythm games like Arcaea, Lanota, Phigros, Cytus, Dynamix, CHUNITHM, maimai, ONGEKI… levels of hard. Sekai itself is unusually hard for a popular rhythm game (sorry Tokyo 7th Sisters, no one knows you) with funny PNGs you roll and pay for, in a market where the closest competition (and therefore most people's previous frames of reference for existing difficulty) is Bandori or Enstars. And, well, no offense… but Bandori doesn't have six Hell or Hell SPs (and it took THIS long to release the 33+ specials…) and a release schedule that promises more every three months, like we're getting with Yaminabe and Jinsei. As for Enstars? Two years to release Awakening Myth and Seishun Emergency SP (and they’re only roughly as hard as ~32lv. Sekai charts).
What this results in are cheaters who grossly underestimate the time needed to get to Sekai's highest level. You might hear things like "i was up all night / week / month getting this omg my fingers are so tired". To use an example from sekaicord / experience: most players who commit to the improvement grind tend to find that they'll improve really quickly from 26 to 30 — and then hit a major wall at Lv31, where the difficulty then spikes exponentially. The average time it takes legitimate players to go from Lv31 to 32? Six months or more. 32 to 33? You'll be lucky or just insanely good if it takes you six months.
Anyone claiming to be the exception to this pattern, put simply, needs the proof. People are willing to believe someone’s good if they can see someone play good.
(2) Not recognizing patterns when questioned
An actual story about a banned cheater from sekaicord: they claimed to have AP'd Don't Fight the Music on Master, and immediately fell through when people started asking them about patterns from other charts, including Hibana and KING. The issue? They were told that those patterns were from Don't Fight the Music. This is pretty much self-explanatory: you'd at least be expected to know the charts you're claiming to have beaten!
But besides that, people who have pulled off such feats (hell, pretty much anyone) always has a devil of their own. Everyone has That One Pattern they find, and which they hate. And if you're a devilish enough little Pattern (hello Greenlights / Bitter Choco Decoration), you'll be so absolutely evil that everyone will know you, not the other way around. Someone who picks out a pattern that is pretty obviously free to someone actually at that skill level OR doesn't have a least favorite pattern at all tends to stink from a mile away.
(3) Low-quality / vague explanations and/or misuse/lack of terminology/jargon
A common trope in TV shows, video games, and so on is a smart character (usually a scientist) who launches into a convoluted explanation with a LOT of jargon you're not supposed to understand, before a character stops them and says you're making my brain hurt. While silly, this trope has some basis in the fact that people who are good at something tend to be really passionate about it, and often won't hesitate to explain in a lot of detail exactly how they pull off what they do. The same almost always goes for rhythm game players — it's common for people who have just conquered a chart in sekaicord to follow up their FC / AP screenshot with a long-ass postmortem of the parts they hated the most, the strategy that finally got them through it, and pretty much everything in between.
As a cheater, it would be pretty difficult to emulate this. There's no adrenaline rush as you get through the part that you've been struggling on for weeks, possibly months, no sitting down staring at a chart viewer cursing the disgustingly hard part, no detailed "L-R-L-R(index)-R(middle)" big brain strategy just to pass something extremely cursed. There is nothing to explain. Most often, you will get "i was just shaking throughout it's all so hard", "uhhh i just mashed as hard as i possibly could" “go watch a video instead of bothering me” without reference to a specific pattern, and almost no way to describe their solution in terms any reasonably practiced regular would be familiar with. Did you jack this part here? Two fingers or multiple? Is there a BPM divisor that helps you get the rhythm down on this?
Let's go back to the 005saikou Arcaea example I mentioned earlier. Pretty much anyone at that level will have thoughts about their own achievements, and which parts they found hardest to conquer; look at the pinned comment (translation of the CCs) on his Testify video and see just how detailed they can get. I'm not saying everyone has to get to that level of detail, but someone with practically nothing to say about their achievements AND no video either is a serious red flag.
Genuine question: If the playerbase is capable of raising enough of a stink to get an entire event memory-holed out of existence (I have not forgotten RMD), please tell me why it's not possible to push the devs to take action on people who will undermine the legitimacy of an entire game mode? It's easy enough to ignore if you're just running around co-op getting event points and can forget about someone who's not playing the game, but in a game mode whose basis is a fair and even competition between two players, surely there's some reason to get them to do something.
Call me jealous, salty, misguided, whatever you want, but if at the end of the day this post has you thinking a bit more critically about why people can be so suspicious of others (and why it's more legitimate than just jealousy), then writing it will have been worth something. Please, don’t throw these words by the wayside, and keep a more critical eye out for the people you meet, be it in ordinary rooms, on social media, or, well… on Ranked Match. If you could do something about RMD, you can do something about cheaters.
If you’ve gotten this far, thanks for your attention and time.
submitted by nonexistentgreen to ProjectSekai [link] [comments]
Let’s talk about cheating. It’s rampant, and it needs to be recognized. It’s worth addressing. It’s worth keeping EN’s integrity as a server.
A little context, before I do: I'm a user from the community Sekai server (henceforth referred to as Sekaicord) linked on the sidebar. By habit, I am not a reddit user, and I apologize if this comes off too strong as a consequence. I understand this is a contentious topic, and I recognize that I might have perception bias if the only posts I see from here showcase the "worst" posts and not the actual "average" opinion on this — but, my impression is that, in general, this subreddit has a terrible track record when it comes to identifying cheaters, and an equally awful slate of defenses for their behavior. I'm writing this post not just to address some of these defenses, but also to open the conversation. The less we know about it, the less we can push the devs to take action on it. And likewise, the more we’re aware…
Some context for my viewpoints / experiences on the matter:
- I'm a Day 1 JP player, with 240+ Master FCs. I played EN from day 1 up until around Scramble, when the amount of external tiering drama got too much for me (and, if my handle on what happened during White Day is right, it hasn't gotten better). Level-wise, I’d be about Lv31-32 for FC skill and 26-28 AP-wise. Ask me for a handcam if you want. On Sekaicord I frequently talk to much better players — yes, even ones who can FC/AP 33+ songs (which are probably the most likely to get doubted). I asked a player with Lv34+ FCs (AMARA, 16bit, Intense Voice, Disappearance/END) to review this huge treatise before I wrote it out. I'm pretty confident as to their legitimacy and generally see some patterns that emerge as to why they are. I'll explain some of these here.
- I tend to give the benefit of the doubt to APs up to around Lv32 in the wild, but a lot of Lv33+ FCs tend to be more suspect for any number of reasons you can see from the co-op results screen.
- The atmosphere in Sekaicord around cheating is, as you can probably infer from my tone, highly distrusting. Cheaters are banned on sight once proof is established beyond doubt – so in fact, it surprises me that technically speaking, the rules on the subreddit’s sidebar don’t concretely penalize cheating!
But like many communities, it didn't start out like that. The dedicated gameplay channel was VERY happy to celebrate players' accomplishments (we used to have every 33+ FC pinned) and generally didn't ask for much proof — until Rank Match came on JP, and a player who we all thought was just insanely good got exposed (because JP caught and banned him). Here's the thing — he was a good player in his own right (i.e., Lv. 32+, but not good enough for the results he cheated), and the way he hid his results was much less blatant than some of the people later banned from the server for cheating, who… well, put in about as much effort as some of the cheaters that have been linked to me from here. This is how it goes for pretty much any community: break the established trust, and obviously nothing's the same afterward.
I will try to write this in such a way that it gives cheaters as few hints as possible on how to make their plays look more "legit"; I simply want to point out some of the common patterns that emerge when a cheater really is afoot (and which are never an issue for a legitimate player), and refute some of the more common defenses.
Another thing: yes, not everyone condescends to the level of some of these defenses I’ve written out. However, I’ve seen them appear enough in more or less these exact forms, unchallenged, that it’s worth quoting them in exactly the same way to give you an idea of what’s wrong with these viewpoints. This is not meant as a personal attack (moreso if you may have said something to these effects in the past); it’s simply an attack on the logic behind them.
DEFENSES:
(1) "Has it ever occurred to you that someone might just be that good? / Or maybe they're just that good?"Statements like these are, to put it bluntly, passive-aggressive and condescending towards people who might have genuine grounds for suspicion. People weren't born yesterday; we're fully aware that people on the level of HPS, MaengZombie, nanoflower, REN, STK, SkisK… exist. (I've specifically excluded jack just because he's the low-hanging fruit and also to point out that if one’s only knowledge of a "good player" is jack, well… there’s a whole world out there).
But the reason people don't cast doubt on those players is because they have put in the effort to be deserving of that trust. Every one of the players I've mentioned has videographic evidence — YouTube, Twitter clips, the list goes on. They frequently compete to get world-first on APs, and they're well aware that if you do not have a video that shows your hands, your play means nothing. For example, tweets purporting to show world-firsts on Six Trillion Years and Overnight Story were, pretty much without exception, disregarded by JP players when the user was silent on the question of handcams.
(The first recognized AP of Six Trillion Years is from SkisK , at 1d 1h 19m after release.)
(A little aside: JP players can be pretty ruthless about cheaters. From the official JP Discord, I passed by this message of someone posting a Yaminabe AP tweet with no proof on release day and was (not) surprised to see a slew of X-to-doubt reactions -- and, as with the tweet above which I had to resort to Wayback Machine to show you, it was later deleted presumably after getting called out.)
I also want to be clear on this: this also means that a player you don't expect CAN come out of nowhere and stake their claim on an achievement, as long as they have the proof to back their claim up. Here's a good example: the maxed score on Arcaea's hardest chart, Testify BYD, was achieved by a player (005saikou) who otherwise wasn't known for any other world-firsts! And — you guessed it — he had an annotated video to back up his claim, commenting on which parts he thought was hardest, and other peculiarities of the chart.
There's a common counterargument to (1) that goes something like
(2) "Well, maybe some people just don't want to show their hands / dox themselves / don't know how to record / etc."
Let's do this point-by-point.
2a) "...don't know how to record / not everyone has a second phone or camera to record handcams with..."
The trial-and-error process required to reach the level of play we're talking about 99% demands the ability to record, review, and rewatch your play. Even if you're not going to post it, you almost certainly will have tried it at some point on the road to 33+ just for your own "where did I go wrong?" purposes.
This argument is also an insult to the intelligence of a player; recording ISN'T EVEN HARD. Recording is built-in on iOS. Recording on Android is as simple as typing "screen recorder app" into Google Play Store (or its equivalent, for Xiaomi and other no-Google builds) and downloading the first free option that doesn't have ads every 0.1 seconds. While screen recordings are less trustworthy than handcams because, well, you can’t see what the player is doing in order to get that result, they’re trustworthy enough in conjunction with players who, besides a recording, can talk about what, why, and how they do what they’re doing (more on this below).
As for handcams, please don't be intimidated by the fact that most well-known YouTubers have professional-looking, crisp 1080p setups: even a grainy 480p view is enough as long as it's clear you're not pretending to mash away while a bot automatically PERFECTs the 200BPM portions of Intense Voice. Google "handcam setups", or DIY one by cutting a slit at the top of a cardboard box and pointing a camera lens down while you play from the bottom (my preferred solution). I have seen players who record themselves using cheap $20 webcams not even clipped to anywhere stable, players who ask to borrow a family member’s phone or camera for a paltry five minutes… anything to be honest! For as many cheaters I’ve seen accused, I’ve also seen nearly as many people who put in the effort to be honest, which deserves a good mention.
Just about every case I know of someone who wasn't a cheater was willing to provide a handcam of some sort. It doesn't matter if they took 30 minutes, five hours, or three days — they came back and defended themselves. I've even seen it on the EN discord! The first instinct of a cheater, by contrast, is to either stay completely silent and let other people do the defending for them, or to get extremely defensive and use some of the many arguments here.
Incidentally, there are legitimate examples I know of of completely unknown players who pop up one day in Sekaicord with some godlike play, and the reason they were believed on the spot? Handcam.
2b) "...don't want to show their hands / dox themselves..."
I suppose nothing can be done about that, but on this point I'd like to point out that Sekai is hardly the first (and will not be the last) rhythm game community to have doubters. This is frankly small-time compared to osu! players doing this like it's a JOB. And that comes down to a fundamental truth about rhythm games: difficult skill-based achievements have always had value because people SHOW they can be done. Consequently, if there is no proof, there is no value; if you're willing to make an outrageous claim; you best be prepared to show some outrageous play, or risk it not being worth anything at all.
There are other ways to show you clearly did what you're claiming to that don't involve a handcam, mind you — but they involve knowing what you're talking about, describing the chart / your strategies in detail, and, well, generally a certain level of passion about the intricacies of the game that most cheaters don't really seem to have, because they're only really here for the one fleeting shot at attention (mentioned this above already; skip to “spotting cheaters” below if you’re curious enough to know how).
Moving on…
(3) "But they posted a recording of…"
Let me be clear on this point: I personally (and many others) are not wondering if they photoshopped a rainbow clear diamond on a song; anyone can do that in three minutes. I am also not wondering (and do not care) if someone has a recording of themselves scrolling through a list of songs with a shiny line of rainbow diamonds, because that doesn't really mean anything if they cannot demonstrate the ability to repeat it (and that a bot didn't do it for them). On this point, most players aren't so letter-of-the-law obsessed as to demand a recording of a re-AP (understandable: players like Mita Kousuke take months even to get a singular AP on What's up? Pop! and there's no guarantee the perfect moment will be caught on camera for most players) — I (and many others) just want to see a level of play that reasonably LOOKS like they can do what they’re claiming to have done. Put simply, I really just want to see someone’s fingers dancing where the notes are landing, not their hands flailing miserably against the glass screen while a bot does the actual playing.
What would "reasonable" look like? Take a look at the Mita video as an example. While he lists some of his current personal bests at the top, you'll find that the majority of these streams are him failing, sometimes incredibly early, sometimes amazingly -- but the overall level of play is high. Players who've just finished with a feat from the night before / day before / two hours / 30 minutes before don't "rust over". A few hours' rest (if necessary) for exhausted hands is almost always enough to show something approaching legitimate if the player in question is legitimate -- again, no one's asking for a second AP.
(4) "You're just jealous!"
And? So what if I am? Since when was emotion a valid reason to stop reading and avoid the possibility that even people driven by emotion can make valid points? But part of why this argument is unusually effective is because most aren't aware of the common patterns that drive cheaters, and so valid arguments are often dismissed as being down to jealousy if you're not aware of why some of these defenses for cheaters just don't stick.
Part of why I shared the context of where I come from with this was partly to dispel this argument. I've long since accepted that there are people much better than me, and I want to explain why people (who don't necessarily have that chance) react the way they do towards cheaters without resorting to ad hominems like this.
But never mind me. If me potentially being jealous is enough to discount it at my sub-33 skill level, then would you believe the distaste for EN cheating if it came from the world-first AP on Kusaregedou to Chocolate? Incidentally, I assure you he's got nothing to be jealous of: after all, he's going to Tokyo for Spring CS and rubbing shoulders with HPS and the rest of the Sekai gods.
(5) "It's just a game, why would anyone cheat on Sekai?"
If you've ever heard a variation of the common schoolyard boast (or jokes about it) "my dad works at Nintendo / Game Freak / Activision / [insert AAA video game company here]", the answer is: it’s for exactly the same reason immature people have lied since the dawn of society — attention and self-esteem. Of course they gain nothing from this, it is just a game, after all — but kids literally lie just to win arguments as petty and easily-forgotten as those in a schoolyard. Why would Sekai be the first skill-based game (of many, many rhythm games out there) immune to this?
(6) "It's just a game, calm down lol"
I genuinely struggled to write an answer to this without getting a bit irritated; I’ve seen this so many times in so many places for so many wrong reasons. But what’s wrong with being passionate about a game? What’s wrong with wanting the pastime you settle into after a stressful day of work or school to be a fair playing ground? Why shouldn’t a game be taken seriously when competitive PvP games fuel multi-billion industries, have university scholarships, and round-the-clock teams and sport scientists analyzing them, and ignite the passions of people just as intensely as any “traditional” sport?
“Because that’s esports, and this is just Sekai”? Here, tell me you can’t feel the room shake when Mita APs Brand New Day live on stream.
What’s wrong with being passionate about something in the same way others, you included, are passionate about things besides Sekai – enough to be offended if someone said this exact same thing to you? What’s wrong with wanting fairness for one thing and not another?
(7) "Trust the cheat detection!"
I hate to have to say this, I really do, but automated cheat detection for EN is TERRIBLE. It might not even exist. As evidence I'd like to point towards some of the more infamous cheaters: the T2 for Mesmerized by Mermaids in EN. There are some pretty damning threads from long-time tierers that have explained the point in much more detail than I could eloquently say. Now, this exact cheater was defended by someone using the exact same argument I'm about to reply to, and it's just as fallacious now as it was then.
Allow me to explain exactly why "trust the cheat detection" doesn't fly.
- T2, as the threads I've linked demonstrate, was clearly botting, and did so for the entire week the event ran. So why didn't the supposed "cheat detection" pick this up? Why was T2 allowed to play all the way until the EVENT ENDED? Why was the event title AWARDED to T2, denying the T4 (nara) the T3 as a result?
- The appeal to authority argument particularly disgusts me because of one thing: JP has had its own issues with cheaters of a different nature: those who share accounts so that they can tier 24/7 with no downtime. The example I know of is from Unnamed Harmony: not only did they outright admit to account sharing (and insinuated that the t2 who lost was probably also cheating), they weren't banned. I use JP as an example for this reason: JP, which actually, proactively bans botters in Rank Match, still has cheaters that are left completely alone. How then, can you expect EN to have better scrutiny when even botters need a public outcry and a LOT of angry support desk mails just to get one T2 banned? (oh, and come back, and get that account banned too, and admit to committing about 7k euros worth of chargeback fraud…) No offense, but EN can't even herd its official discord channels together; how am I supposed to believe they have time for botters?
T2 Mermaids is hardly the only example there is — only the most notorious one. But if even the cases of people high enough to be in the ranking spotlight take so much effort to call out (no thanks to people spouting uneducated defenses and convincing enough people), how much more botters who just roam the wilds with all perfects that show with 0 notes hit?
Put another way: why use a tiering cheater as an example for skill-based cheating when tiering skill boils down to whoever has the stamina to slap Envy for the longest time? Answer: they use the same tools. The person running around with an EmpErroR AP in public rooms may be doing it to show off, while a tiering cheater may be doing it so they doesn’t lose sleep or struggle the same way their competitors do, but the means are (almost) always the same: a machine does the work for them. And if the game isn’t banning one of them… how can you be confident they’re banning the other?
“Well, that was months ago! They’re better now, I hope!”
The proof is in the pudding. If you’re right, then I’d be happier than anyone else.
SPOTTING CHEATERS:
Besides the whole "they get really defensive" / [insert argument above] things listed above, there are a few more tells that really go a long way towards sniffing out a cheater, and I'd like to go over some of them here (since they didn't really fit naturally into the counterarguments presented above). I'll skip over directly critiquing their results in the case that a prospective cheater reads this and takes notes on how to avoid getting caught.Now, a little disclaimer, for fairness: most of the posts I’m aware of don’t actually involve the cheaters themselves risking getting caught on here, and so the uses for such red flags may not be easily applicable. But all the same, they go hand-in-hand with the (fallacious) defenses for cheaters, and it’s important to know what you’re looking for when someone inevitably comes here asking why they got banned (for “no reason”) assuming EN is any trustworthy when Rank Match hits.
Keep in mind: each of these ALONE does not mean someone is a cheater — it's when red flags like these, ALONG with refusing to provide videographic proof, come together, that someone becomes more and more suspicious.
(1) Unrealistic timeframes for improvement
Let's not mince words here: the highest levels of Sekai are HARD. As in, it competes with "pure" rhythm games like Arcaea, Lanota, Phigros, Cytus, Dynamix, CHUNITHM, maimai, ONGEKI… levels of hard. Sekai itself is unusually hard for a popular rhythm game (sorry Tokyo 7th Sisters, no one knows you) with funny PNGs you roll and pay for, in a market where the closest competition (and therefore most people's previous frames of reference for existing difficulty) is Bandori or Enstars. And, well, no offense… but Bandori doesn't have six Hell or Hell SPs (and it took THIS long to release the 33+ specials…) and a release schedule that promises more every three months, like we're getting with Yaminabe and Jinsei. As for Enstars? Two years to release Awakening Myth and Seishun Emergency SP (and they’re only roughly as hard as ~32lv. Sekai charts).
What this results in are cheaters who grossly underestimate the time needed to get to Sekai's highest level. You might hear things like "i was up all night / week / month getting this omg my fingers are so tired". To use an example from sekaicord / experience: most players who commit to the improvement grind tend to find that they'll improve really quickly from 26 to 30 — and then hit a major wall at Lv31, where the difficulty then spikes exponentially. The average time it takes legitimate players to go from Lv31 to 32? Six months or more. 32 to 33? You'll be lucky or just insanely good if it takes you six months.
Anyone claiming to be the exception to this pattern, put simply, needs the proof. People are willing to believe someone’s good if they can see someone play good.
(2) Not recognizing patterns when questioned
An actual story about a banned cheater from sekaicord: they claimed to have AP'd Don't Fight the Music on Master, and immediately fell through when people started asking them about patterns from other charts, including Hibana and KING. The issue? They were told that those patterns were from Don't Fight the Music. This is pretty much self-explanatory: you'd at least be expected to know the charts you're claiming to have beaten!
But besides that, people who have pulled off such feats (hell, pretty much anyone) always has a devil of their own. Everyone has That One Pattern they find, and which they hate. And if you're a devilish enough little Pattern (hello Greenlights / Bitter Choco Decoration), you'll be so absolutely evil that everyone will know you, not the other way around. Someone who picks out a pattern that is pretty obviously free to someone actually at that skill level OR doesn't have a least favorite pattern at all tends to stink from a mile away.
(3) Low-quality / vague explanations and/or misuse/lack of terminology/jargon
A common trope in TV shows, video games, and so on is a smart character (usually a scientist) who launches into a convoluted explanation with a LOT of jargon you're not supposed to understand, before a character stops them and says you're making my brain hurt. While silly, this trope has some basis in the fact that people who are good at something tend to be really passionate about it, and often won't hesitate to explain in a lot of detail exactly how they pull off what they do. The same almost always goes for rhythm game players — it's common for people who have just conquered a chart in sekaicord to follow up their FC / AP screenshot with a long-ass postmortem of the parts they hated the most, the strategy that finally got them through it, and pretty much everything in between.
As a cheater, it would be pretty difficult to emulate this. There's no adrenaline rush as you get through the part that you've been struggling on for weeks, possibly months, no sitting down staring at a chart viewer cursing the disgustingly hard part, no detailed "L-R-L-R(index)-R(middle)" big brain strategy just to pass something extremely cursed. There is nothing to explain. Most often, you will get "i was just shaking throughout it's all so hard", "uhhh i just mashed as hard as i possibly could" “go watch a video instead of bothering me” without reference to a specific pattern, and almost no way to describe their solution in terms any reasonably practiced regular would be familiar with. Did you jack this part here? Two fingers or multiple? Is there a BPM divisor that helps you get the rhythm down on this?
Let's go back to the 005saikou Arcaea example I mentioned earlier. Pretty much anyone at that level will have thoughts about their own achievements, and which parts they found hardest to conquer; look at the pinned comment (translation of the CCs) on his Testify video and see just how detailed they can get. I'm not saying everyone has to get to that level of detail, but someone with practically nothing to say about their achievements AND no video either is a serious red flag.
A brief conclusion
Why I took the time to write all of this is pretty simple: I would very much like if people were more aware of the players they're defending who don't deserve to be defended. Not only are there legitimate players out there much more deserving of your attention, but there's also a glut of illegitimate ones out there cruising along with the potential to make Ranked Match completely unplayable if we're just going to sit here and pretend it's not a problem. Perhaps you’re thinking it’s not going to be a problem for you if you only stay in Bronze / Silver / Gold / Plat. Good for you, but then that leaves Diamond and Mastery completely unplayable wastelands fit only for people who jump onto sites-that-shall-not-be-named for modded apps. Pretty much every time I talk to a JP player about EN and the prospect of ranked match, I universally hear back the words “cheating” and smell the implication that there’s no point to even touching it. There’s already so few legitimately skilled players on EN (let alone those who aren’t simply imported / previously JP players) and the last thing EN needs is to drive those players away.Genuine question: If the playerbase is capable of raising enough of a stink to get an entire event memory-holed out of existence (I have not forgotten RMD), please tell me why it's not possible to push the devs to take action on people who will undermine the legitimacy of an entire game mode? It's easy enough to ignore if you're just running around co-op getting event points and can forget about someone who's not playing the game, but in a game mode whose basis is a fair and even competition between two players, surely there's some reason to get them to do something.
Call me jealous, salty, misguided, whatever you want, but if at the end of the day this post has you thinking a bit more critically about why people can be so suspicious of others (and why it's more legitimate than just jealousy), then writing it will have been worth something. Please, don’t throw these words by the wayside, and keep a more critical eye out for the people you meet, be it in ordinary rooms, on social media, or, well… on Ranked Match. If you could do something about RMD, you can do something about cheaters.
If you’ve gotten this far, thanks for your attention and time.
2023.03.21 20:42 Horror-Tear9957 Advice: Pre-PA considering switching to MD/DO for FM
Hello everyone I am 20 years old and I am about to apply to PA school. However, I’ve read some things about the direction of the PA profession that didn’t sit right with me that is making me reconsider my choice of career.
Mid level creep: NP lobbying is seeming to have a negative impact on PAs as employers are more inclined to hire a provider who does not need a collaborating physician. No offense NPs, this is just what seems to be happening. This will most likely lead to PAs being left with less pay and jobs which I do not like to hear when from what I understand…PAs are more well trained fresh out of their degree. With that, I realized that maybe the PA profession won’t be what it is forever.
I’ve always saw myself likely going into Family Medicine as a PA, I just love the generalist idea and seeing patients long-term.
The reasons I did not want to go to medical school was the extra schooling and residency. However, I am starting to learn that family medicine residency may not be so grueling and that the last year of medical school is not so either.
The idea of another 1.5 years of school compared to the 2.5 years of PA school is not looking so daunting as before. The benefits of choosing MD/DO compared to PA is seeming to be better. PA careers biggest advantage for me right now is time which is important to me. However, if there is a such thing as a good work-life balance as a medical resident, I would love to hear it. If being a resident is just like working a job until your independent, that sounds good to me. Correct me if I’m wrong, I just started looking into it.
Can all FMs please share your residency experiences, pay, hours, and other important information? From what I understand it’s just working as a doctor with supervision at a big pay cut.
If you have any advice for me, please share it and I will not take anything personal.
submitted by Horror-Tear9957 to FamilyMedicine [link] [comments]
Mid level creep: NP lobbying is seeming to have a negative impact on PAs as employers are more inclined to hire a provider who does not need a collaborating physician. No offense NPs, this is just what seems to be happening. This will most likely lead to PAs being left with less pay and jobs which I do not like to hear when from what I understand…PAs are more well trained fresh out of their degree. With that, I realized that maybe the PA profession won’t be what it is forever.
I’ve always saw myself likely going into Family Medicine as a PA, I just love the generalist idea and seeing patients long-term.
The reasons I did not want to go to medical school was the extra schooling and residency. However, I am starting to learn that family medicine residency may not be so grueling and that the last year of medical school is not so either.
The idea of another 1.5 years of school compared to the 2.5 years of PA school is not looking so daunting as before. The benefits of choosing MD/DO compared to PA is seeming to be better. PA careers biggest advantage for me right now is time which is important to me. However, if there is a such thing as a good work-life balance as a medical resident, I would love to hear it. If being a resident is just like working a job until your independent, that sounds good to me. Correct me if I’m wrong, I just started looking into it.
Can all FMs please share your residency experiences, pay, hours, and other important information? From what I understand it’s just working as a doctor with supervision at a big pay cut.
If you have any advice for me, please share it and I will not take anything personal.
2023.03.21 20:41 ListenMore_TalkLess Difficulty Finding Comorehnsive Symptoms Online
So, it might be a long shot, and the last time I had my thryroid tested (2019) it was normal.
My grandma said that may not be sufficient because she had that experience with doctors who did not and had or had to be tested for Hashimodos. I don't think my doctor did anything out of the ordinary, but between my father's sleep apnea, and my grandma's Hashimodos - I am concerned that I need treatment for one or both of these.
I have what I would describe as chronic fatigue. I am a 31yo woman. My hands ache, probably from extended keyboard use from 21 years of regular computer use. MS runs in my family as well, and I have ADHD.
I have attributed much of my behaviors to ADHD symptoms, but there are also things like the body aches, fatigue (which I know is often there with ADHD but also often due to comorbid illnesses/disorders).
My temperature is always around 96°F and I am very anxious. I see a lot of my grandma in myself with the anxiety, sensory sensitivity, fatigue and food sensitivities that seem to come and go - but it's hard to track bc the ADHD tends to cause me not to notice what I am and am not eating and never really have a consistent diet in terms of the foods I am eating.
There's always a safe food that I have a lot of and I am not leaving it out if it's the only thing I can bring myself to eat for days. I have a hard time keeping weight on and have since my early 20s. It's technically been true long before that but when my stress level greatly increased in my early 20s my average weight went down by about 15lbs and I've never really been able to get back up to where I was comfortable and had more energy.
TLDR; everything above has been my experience and it's a big messy ADHD story but Please help me by telling me how you first suspected or was told your symptoms could be Hashimodos - and if you see any similarities with what I've written above - I am sure this is probably repetitive but I would love to hear and commiserate and with people who have experienced things in this area of medical research and diagnosis.
submitted by ListenMore_TalkLess to Hashimotos [link] [comments]
My grandma said that may not be sufficient because she had that experience with doctors who did not and had or had to be tested for Hashimodos. I don't think my doctor did anything out of the ordinary, but between my father's sleep apnea, and my grandma's Hashimodos - I am concerned that I need treatment for one or both of these.
I have what I would describe as chronic fatigue. I am a 31yo woman. My hands ache, probably from extended keyboard use from 21 years of regular computer use. MS runs in my family as well, and I have ADHD.
I have attributed much of my behaviors to ADHD symptoms, but there are also things like the body aches, fatigue (which I know is often there with ADHD but also often due to comorbid illnesses/disorders).
My temperature is always around 96°F and I am very anxious. I see a lot of my grandma in myself with the anxiety, sensory sensitivity, fatigue and food sensitivities that seem to come and go - but it's hard to track bc the ADHD tends to cause me not to notice what I am and am not eating and never really have a consistent diet in terms of the foods I am eating.
There's always a safe food that I have a lot of and I am not leaving it out if it's the only thing I can bring myself to eat for days. I have a hard time keeping weight on and have since my early 20s. It's technically been true long before that but when my stress level greatly increased in my early 20s my average weight went down by about 15lbs and I've never really been able to get back up to where I was comfortable and had more energy.
TLDR; everything above has been my experience and it's a big messy ADHD story but Please help me by telling me how you first suspected or was told your symptoms could be Hashimodos - and if you see any similarities with what I've written above - I am sure this is probably repetitive but I would love to hear and commiserate and with people who have experienced things in this area of medical research and diagnosis.
2023.03.21 20:37 ooh-aah-cantona A new pandemic happens in 2024 - people start dying all over the place - do you take the jab?
Edit: this is a hypothetical scenario. I'm not sure why it's getting downvoted to oblivion, it's a good question and really needs to be considered. The fact the question is being avoided says more about the psychology of humans rather than the question itself.
Ok, so there's been a few different predictions for next year, 2024. The two main ones are the start of a fake alien invasion and a new pandemic, much more deadly than the last.
Forgetting about aliens for the minute, let's talk about the potential new pandemic.
“The chance of another pandemic in the next 20 years, either natural or intentional, I’d say, is over 50%,” ~ Bill Gates told Time News at the summit in 2022 (ibtimes.com)
"Experts told the Sun Online how a number of emerging diseases could trigger another global outbreak – and this time it could be “The Big One”." ~ News.Com.Au (news.com.au)
"A “time traveller” has bizarrely claimed a “mysterious and dangerous” virus will sweep around the world in 2024." ~ The Sun (thesun.co.uk)
"The SPARS Pandemic 2025-2028: A Futuristic Scenario to Facilitate Medical Countermeasure Communication" ~ Center For Health Security Theoretical (centerforhealthsecurity.org)
The 2024 pandemic has also been predicted by people such as Attorney Tom Renz, amongst others.
Let's assume that the next pandemic does happen in 2024, and people are literally dropping like flies. Your relative passes away, your friend passes away, your neighbour passes away, your local shopkeeper passes away......
Everyone acknowledges the fact that the new virus is most certainly deadly, and once you get it, you're extremely lucky if you survive.....
Do you take the vaccine?
submitted by ooh-aah-cantona to conspiracy [link] [comments]
Ok, so there's been a few different predictions for next year, 2024. The two main ones are the start of a fake alien invasion and a new pandemic, much more deadly than the last.
Forgetting about aliens for the minute, let's talk about the potential new pandemic.
“The chance of another pandemic in the next 20 years, either natural or intentional, I’d say, is over 50%,” ~ Bill Gates told Time News at the summit in 2022 (ibtimes.com)
"Experts told the Sun Online how a number of emerging diseases could trigger another global outbreak – and this time it could be “The Big One”." ~ News.Com.Au (news.com.au)
"A “time traveller” has bizarrely claimed a “mysterious and dangerous” virus will sweep around the world in 2024." ~ The Sun (thesun.co.uk)
"The SPARS Pandemic 2025-2028: A Futuristic Scenario to Facilitate Medical Countermeasure Communication" ~ Center For Health Security Theoretical (centerforhealthsecurity.org)
The 2024 pandemic has also been predicted by people such as Attorney Tom Renz, amongst others.
Let's assume that the next pandemic does happen in 2024, and people are literally dropping like flies. Your relative passes away, your friend passes away, your neighbour passes away, your local shopkeeper passes away......
Everyone acknowledges the fact that the new virus is most certainly deadly, and once you get it, you're extremely lucky if you survive.....
Do you take the vaccine?
2023.03.21 20:33 nickderrico82 Live a fulfilling life, even if it means you have to start over.
I am glad I found this subreddit as it has become a valuable resource to having a life with no kids, so thanks for that 🙂. While skimming through the posts I want to offer what worked for me to avoid the inevitable “did we do the right thing” moments.
One argument made by critics of the DINK life is how we will never know the joyful life fulfillment of having children. And while on the surface that statement is correct, “joyful life fulfillment” and “having children” can be mutually exclusive. When my wife and I started getting our life going, we followed in the footsteps of our parents, both typical American families. We got a single-family home with a big lawn in a good school district deep in the suburbs. We were prepping ourselves for a 2.5 kid, white picket fence life. As we crept further into our 30s and the decision became clearer that we were not having kids, setting ourselves up for a that “perfect nuclear family” life was leaving us lonely and isolated. We realized we needed to abandon convention to have the “joyful life fulfillment” we were missing out on. It was time to make some life changes, even if that meant starting over.
We moved to a different town with a house better suited to entertaining, closer to town centers and public transit to the nearby city for the nightlife. We got into the craft beer scene, which in our area is abundant and perfect for casual socializing. Random date nights, 3-day weekends, and day trips to museums and parks are part of our everyday life. These changes have let us surround ourselves with likeminded people, including two other DINK couples that have become close friends. And, in a twist of irony, our best friends have a young son, and they love our flexible life as we can hang almost anytime. My wife and I are happy and now living the best versions of ourselves!
Making the most of the logistical conveniences of having no kids seems obvious, but it takes effort to make those bigger changes. If you are not going to have children, you should build your life around that decision. Do not try to live a childless life in a world built for children.
submitted by nickderrico82 to DINK [link] [comments]
One argument made by critics of the DINK life is how we will never know the joyful life fulfillment of having children. And while on the surface that statement is correct, “joyful life fulfillment” and “having children” can be mutually exclusive. When my wife and I started getting our life going, we followed in the footsteps of our parents, both typical American families. We got a single-family home with a big lawn in a good school district deep in the suburbs. We were prepping ourselves for a 2.5 kid, white picket fence life. As we crept further into our 30s and the decision became clearer that we were not having kids, setting ourselves up for a that “perfect nuclear family” life was leaving us lonely and isolated. We realized we needed to abandon convention to have the “joyful life fulfillment” we were missing out on. It was time to make some life changes, even if that meant starting over.
We moved to a different town with a house better suited to entertaining, closer to town centers and public transit to the nearby city for the nightlife. We got into the craft beer scene, which in our area is abundant and perfect for casual socializing. Random date nights, 3-day weekends, and day trips to museums and parks are part of our everyday life. These changes have let us surround ourselves with likeminded people, including two other DINK couples that have become close friends. And, in a twist of irony, our best friends have a young son, and they love our flexible life as we can hang almost anytime. My wife and I are happy and now living the best versions of ourselves!
Making the most of the logistical conveniences of having no kids seems obvious, but it takes effort to make those bigger changes. If you are not going to have children, you should build your life around that decision. Do not try to live a childless life in a world built for children.
2023.03.21 20:18 Sethhann Ashamed of my past behaviour and don't know how to move forward - BPD traits?
TL;DR:
I’m almost certain after my behaviour over the past two years that I have BPD but have only a diagnosis of ADHD despite telling mental health team.
I had a very upsetting and painful relationship with someone that made me feel really bad about myself. I hit out and had a mental breakdown, no I don’t feel like I can live my life because of who the person is and what they have made up about me on top of my already (true) crazy… I don’t really know what to do because I have really good friends in the city I live in but know that anything I do can and will be cancelled by this person.
oh goddddd, so I have a diagnosis of ADHD and not BPD but I did some crazy shit to someone I dated - so I reckon I do have BPD/ I was suffering from psychosis/ super low self esteem + trauma.
Context:Me - 26F Her 32F (I’ll use R to refer to hr)
I was living in my van at the time, really down and out - low sel esteem felt like i had nothing to offer.
She has a fancy salon on the main st in the area where kinda everyone i know in the city is/ DJs at the radio station across the st from r’s salon. To get anywhere you need to walk past her salon or try to avoid it. She knows all the big names etc and is like semi -famous.
Basically I was going through a bit of a rough time - had been struggling with homelessness for a while and that had gotten me into tricky situations which I didn't realise were probably leaving a mark on me. I hadn't been back in the UK for that long, having lived in Greece working in the camps for a while until covid happened and i experienced burnout and got back into drugs when trying to make new friends since i'd been abroad for so long. I sobered up and sorted myself out a bit and went and lived in my van tree-planting and having a nice time.
Anyways, I wasn't really into dating at that point but had dating apps and got talking to someone. Straight away she was really telling me loads about herself and so I opened up to over messages etc, she'd voice note and send pictures asking me to identify mushrooms she'd picked and asked me my opinions/ knowledge about intellectual topics etc, and basically seemed to have a lot in common with me/ wanted similar things.
We don't meet for a while because I'm flaky and always on the move. We finally meet, she comes to a friends house where i sometimes went when I was in the city (i lived in my van remember) and we take some mushrooms, laugh loads and then go to the club together, as soon as i get there she ignores me completely- but i bump into a friend so spend the night dancing with him.. i tell r I'm going to leave and we chat for a bit and then go outside, I ask if she's attracted to me because I'm confused by our interaction, i like r from our chats and how much we laughed together but then i think that she thinks I'm weird hence why she ignored me in the club- we end up circling each other and then kissing for a while, I go to leave and she grabs me an throws me to the wall and kisses me more (HOT). In the morning she messages me 'you're on my mind this morning'- I find it kinda wild, but like flattering and hot.
Anyways I'm away again and she tries to get me to drive back to the city to fuck a few times when she's drunk/ messages me in the night and gets annoyed when i don't reply 'I want you to talk to me' is what she'd say. I've never experienced anyone being so forward so i find it a bit unnerving but nice.
When we finally have sex it's wild, she strangles me without asking but it just works, she's so intense the most intense lover I've ever had, staring at me like she's going to swallow me whole. she says it's the best sex she's ever had - i don't know how to reply, but it is good. We continue seeing each other and she tells me all about her exes who are badddd, like crazy - 3 turn up at r’s flat over the time we are seeing each other... (and she tells me how she has gotten people cancelled).. We hang out a LOT she keeps telling me she's going to fall in love with me but she can't- can't have a relationship, we chat about what we want and she seems to want everything i want? Land, community.. She comes for a drink with me and my friend and storms out half way through i follow her and she's like I'm sorry and goes to dinner, i wake up to 9minutes worth of voice notes telling me all of these nice things about me but that I'm like damaged goods so maybe we should be friends because she knows she'll fall in love with me and she can't do that.. I'm so confused i message back telling her that everything is telling me to run away but for some reason i can't..
everytime i stay r tells me she's going to fall in love with me over and over again, but that she can't do that and it hurts me so i often stay in the spare room, always awaking to her coming in and clinging to me in the night, the way she holds me feels so good.. it really confuses me, so i become unsure if i should see her, everything feels wierdly dramatic all the time and the sex is crazy, she sends me constant nudes and desires me all the time, asks me to come to her work just to kiss her. Does not stop going on about my appearance and body (I'm like SUPER underweight at that point - sick looking- but i guess muscly from all the manual labour? idk weird she was so into it). But we do have the best times when we're together and i feel so special she covets me in public and invites me to cool fancy events and i feel accepted by like the beautiful people? But then she's also seeing other people, (none like me though, she loves me and it's different...) and makes fun of me for not (ENM) so i try and date other people but she stops me each time. She gets a bit calmer and things feel okay between us, i stay most nights she still pushes and pull but i put it down to her trauma and she tell me she's in love with me. I tell r i need time but she demands that i fuck her hard and lover her during sex. R corners me all the time over the next few weeks and tells me i must feel the same way as it's between two people. I'm obsessed, I love her back, I tell R this but that it feels painful and that shouldn't be what love is. We continue hanging out and it seems okay but it's like I'm waiting for her to do something again, it's incredible in so many ways the way we talk constantly about everything and all the amazing things she says to me.. But I'll catch r out on lies/ she'll do things/ say things that are really mean both to me and to strangers etc.
But then things get hard she has some family stuff and says she can't date me, i of course say that's fine but she messages me every day - i get really sick from living in the van during winter with no heating and end up at my mums (alcoholic) after not seeing her for years, she ghosts me over random stuff then rings me crying saying she loves me and would be with me if stuff was not happening in her life.
I get a bit better and come back to the city in my van sleeping near parks etc, the night i get back i meet my friend (an ex, I'm a lesbian what can i say) who sees my phone flashing and her texts to me, she can't believe that that's how she speaks to me. I ask r if I'll see her tonight, she messages me as I'm parked up a while out the city demanding i come fuck her and leave my dog alone in the van. I feel like shit but then do what she wants the following night after not having slept, our relationship becomes me coming over and cooking for her and fucking her on demand.. At this point I'm barely sleeping each night, waiting for her to message me or up from the cold. one night i say no and that she has no respect for me, the next day I say we need to chat- she's mean over text and is all about what just tell me over text, so i tell her i think she has zero respect for me and it hurts. she brushes it off but later sees me walk past her salon and then ends up coming into the shop where i go with my friend and grabs my hand. Later she sees me again whilst djing (across the road from her salon) and messages me and asks if i like her croptop i tell her ofc she looks amazing, she says she'll come chat to me later. She doesn't so i sleep until she turns up at my van at midnight wrecked. I come out and ask her wtf she is doing but she just grabs me and kisses me and throws me against the park railings and tells me to come to hers so i follow her, we start having sex and i freak out and she tells me she loves me to which i only reply 'sure'. she jumps out of the bed and starts screaming at me to get out if i don't think she loves me, i move to get up but then she presses me down and doesn't let me leave nor does she let me sleep and shakes me trying to get me to talk but I've shut down.
The next day I wake having had one hour sleep feeling terrible. i go down on r and bring her to orgasm she bucks into my nose and i bleed everywhere, a sad trail of red leading to the bathroom.. she sits me on the edge of the bath and cleans me up, we shower together and i watch my blood mix with the water. Later in r’s kitchen she picks me up and sits me on her counter (I'm p tall 5'8 but tinnyyy 47kg and she's 6ft curvy af and strong) and strokes my hair tries to speak to me but i can't hear anything i feel so done and hurt and terrified to lose her, it's like my self worth has become reliant on her because idk she's so powerful in the area i live and is so mean about everyone and if she's not mean about me then maybe I'm not so bad right? I know - bpd right?
Anyways i go to my van and change and r comes in and gives me my stuff that i had at hers i tell her i don't want it and throw it out… I was feeling rejected I guess?.. she's laughing at me an I'm so embarrassed i throw my clothes into the street I'm crazy, feel ridiculous and small and sick and ashamed i want her not to see me like that. She storms off and tells me I'll never see her again if I do that again so I follow her (she wants to go a walk) and she screams at me in public all around the park and i try to calm her. By the time we get back to hers I'm apologising telling her it woulave completely lost my d be a shame to waste our connection and i love her. I have completely lost myself, I'm a different person from when she met me. I have no where to go but go to my friends who tells me she's worried about me and that someone shouldn't be treating me that way. The woman just sends me romantic songs and i tell her i think the other night was inappropriate, she admits that it was and says we can never talk about it again.
I start going crazy- messaging weirdly when she doesn't reply, clingy like, r tells me she doesn't think about me doesn't care about me. I'm not sleeping still and in the morning i tell her that i think she needs therapy etc if she thinks that this is love because it should feel good and it should be an action not just some intense feeling she has and that i am so confused because she treats her friends so nicely and yet the person she is in love with like a dog or an enemy and i think she's amazing but maybe we should be friends if her behaviour doesn't change cause i don't want to lose her.. She is obviously mad with me and tells me she completely fell for me but can't have a relationship (not my point). We were meant to have a date that night as r was going to Mexico the next day but she cancels because of my behaviour.. i ask to go and get my records then so i go to the salon- with her favourite chocz (ikr I'm full psycho at this point) and she's angry but we make out loads in the back street.. she says she'll meet me later, I'm a mess getting ready and think I'll be late so don't get fuel for my van (so no heating), i turn up and she's still working but invites me in i try and wait but my mum keeps ringing saying she's suicidal.. she finally finishes cutting the persons hair 2 hours after i turn up... and we make out loads in the salon, but shes mean, shes hungry so i take her for food she holds my hand down the street and leans her head on my shoulder as she eats i walk her to her car and she tells me that's it i kiss her loads and ask her to drive me back and she agrees I'm trying not to cry as she drops me off and she asks me why do i care so much about it. i kiss her and she drives off. i try and sleep on my friends couch but it's so cold. I message her and joke how she's going to go through all my texts laughing with her business partner - she's like wtf.. (she told me she'd done that with ex partners texts and I'm so paranoid all the time at this point), she tells me something has happened and she has to stop texting i apologise and say i;ll message in the morning...
She's so mad with me still in the morning and the communication is fucked, she's mad i just want to be friends and everything else, but of course, i want to be with her and not just be friends, i'd really do anything. I ask if i can leave her a letter because everything i text is misconstrued. She says yes so i write her a letter telling her how i feel and apologising, i feel like i really love her, she's such a strong character and so interesting and so fierce with so many idiosyncrasies and mad music knowledge and that i want to be in her life in any capacity that i can, i mean it but I'm so so fucked up at this point and i'd had a long term relationship but like it wasn't like this.. the intensity, it was really nice and so loving, but it was very different from this, despite the pain of it no one had ever said such amazing things to me and i'd never had sex like that / so much in common musically etc.... I'm so hurt and just think i should try move on, i go and sleep with someone straight away. the next day she messages me whilst on her way to to the airport, telling me the letter made her cry - because it's sad and that all she wants to do is be in my arms, i tell r i love her and r says she feels the same, but I'm stupid i try and date other people whilst she's in mexico. The stupidest idea, I’m so so mentally ill at this point, not sleeping and pushing my body to the absolute limits at work and to nail the coffin.. start taking street valium to try and sleep.. i tell r about going on dates, i always told her before because i want to be open about that and she encouraged my dating other people (but i have like sexual trauma so it's difficult for me, but i don't mind her dating) she gets jealous of one person i date (a)… A instantly clings on to me and by then myself esteem is so done i think everyone can just take what they want from me and I give it despite a year ago knowing full well I would have ran a million miles from someone like a.. and this is really horrible.. but i wasn't even really attracted to a and i missed and loved the r so badly, but a kept demanding me to come fuck her very similar to the way r did, but obvs I loved r, so I did go an fuck a even when I didn’t want to. Whilst a is in Mexico she sends me highly sexual messages again and of course I'm so hooked, i wake up to voice notes from r telling me she loves me that she wants to do everything with me, to read to her to go travelling, to do all these mad adventurous things etc and that when she gets back she needs to see me straight away and it'll be different this time we'll do sober things etc etc. at this point I'm flat sitting a friends flat so i finally have somewhere to stay - although only for a bit..
R arrives back and I'm so excited to see her, i don't want to fuck up this time and i want to be good for her, she also has regular lovers so maybe it's good that i now have someone else as well.. when r finally gets to the place I'm staying she's two hours late and she's full of mezcal telling me about a half a million property she's going to buy (what about wanting to get land like me). I'm cooking for her and we're making small talk but she just jumps on me and tells me to get into the bedroom so i do. she pushes me on the bed and tries to fuck me (again something i can have problems with cause past trauma) she hurts me so i tell her and she laughs and stops rather than asking what i want. I've never seen her so turned on, like, her clit is SWOLLEN anyways we have a LOT of sex for hours and hours can't stop touching each other telling each other how much we love each other, and i talk about the woman I'm dating and the sex... because i found it interesting because i struggle with casual sex / not having feelings for people who i sleep with but managing to have good sex with that person sometimes without having feelings (fucking for pleasure, as noted smth I struggle wi cause of trauma), i don't really remember chatting about it (she tells me the next day how inappropriate that is).. anyways it feels p fucking magical to be back with r and the next day she sees me running my errands whilst she's in her salon and asks me to get her for her lunch so i do and she comes up to the flat i'm staying in and we make out but then she becomes nasty to me - making fun of my clothes and then asking if i only like her for sex (very confusing as she always jumps on me when i'd much rather go and fucking do smth fun...). She tells me off for talking about a (very fair what a twat I am) and i'm mortified, i apologise so much and tell r maybe i was trying to show off or smth but i don't remember too well because i would never want to hurt her, i'm so desperate to make it work this time.. I move in with my close friend and I stop fawning over her so much, confused by the hot and cold.. I go and stay with people and I text her the same as always but I just seem to annoy her…
R sleeps with someone I know she doesn’t even like and I’m upset - what are we doing to each other!? I try to communicate this but everything I do annoys her, when I’m invited to a cottage with an and her friends I go, just for a night. Whilst there r starts phoning me manically asking to come over and that she needs to sleep next to me, but I tell her I’m out, not where, I should’ve said where I know.. been honest.. r sends loads of messages, I should just go and ring her but for some reason I don’t because I’m so anxious, I just text her I’m so sorry I’m away id love to be with her but we need to start arranging things rather than her expecting me to just drop everything there and then all the time - I honestly thought about driving my big van 2 hours back just to be there for her and I wish I had.. I say I’ll see her as soon as I’m back but it goes on at this place, I hate it I want to be with her.
When I get back the next day I cook r a massive meal and we try and watch a film.. I have no tv and no laptop just a shite iPad. I obviously can’t concentrate on it and it annoys r.. we have sex and she tells me she loves me but I don’t reply, I just stare confused… she says she needs to go and stay in her own bed, I ask if she wants company but she says no, so she goes. But she tells me to come in to the salon on valentines day to get my hair done..
I’m pretty ill at this point again and food isn’t going well with me and just super mentally unstable with everything going on and staking street valium each night.. it’s my pals birthday and I’m so anxious around everyone I get completely black out, take loads of drugs. My dog runs away and she is texting me maniacally I’m on the st tripping balls looking for my dog , I run to the park (past her salon) she sees me and runs out and grabs me I immediately have a panic attack and collapse, her staff bring me water and she comes out and calls my friends who come and get me, she messages me asking if I’m okay. I apologise not realising the gravity of the situation. Later she (rightfully) doesn’t want to talk to me when I try.. I lose my shit, she isn’t going to cut my hair, I accuse her of manipulating me, lying (she was always lying tbh and I knew it but just turned a blind eye) and not loving me, just using me for sex, complete psychotic drool. I don’t remember any of it, I was FULL of Xanax and everything else. I fall asleep and when I wake up I’m sick realising what I did, I ring her trying to apologise, of course she won’t speak to me, so I apologise profusely. She won’t see me again. I get it I’m awful, so awful, but I’m so full of panic.
I accept that she doesn’t want to see me but I get covid and keep filling with panic and sending her apologies ( I think on two occasions) and getting really cruel responses. I then pour my heart out, all romantic, the way she used to talk to me (I know I’m mortified) and she calls me disgusting and to focus on someone else (which hurt because my problem is I struggle with focus on someone because I’m so damn scatty/ avoidant a lot of the time, probs why I fell so hard for her because I couldn’t NOT focus on he be drawn and obsessed with her). I’m terrified of walking my dog certain ways and passing her salon worried she’ll accuse me of stalking because I messaged so many times to apologise.. if I do pass with friends she stares out at me..
But then she comes and talks to me on the street and says she will see me soon (she’d always say this when she sort of ended smth, to tell me it wasn’t really over in her code) so I thought it would be like all the other times she’s be annoyed and mess with other people then call me in crying again. So I message r and suggest a walk - she blocks me. I’m so mentally ill now, can’t go down the street and have panic attacks daily that my life is ruined, hurting someone like that and being so mean and also what she will be saying to people, people look at me differently like I’m mad (she got her ex barred from an art studios, another is seen as an abuser and has called other stalkers/ crazy). It was also (pure vanity) horrifying knowing everyone would think I was this evil crazy person.. so I’d try and stay out of her way but sadly struggle as her salon is on the main Street and I couldn’t keep making my friends walk a different way (they thought I was mad too). I continue seeing a for a 2 weeks but its too much so I ask for space but she then tells me she loves me and it feels too much like what I’d just been through (why am I now creating a new pattern)… I’m so lonely and fucked up and mad and weird that A continually gets back in because my boundaries are so poor and I’m so mentally ill and probably confusing her a lot :(. I go in and out of utter panic and trying to quit the st valium and relapsing. R sees me at gigs and sometimes tries to come up but I always freak out and have a panic attack, she comes out the salon when I walk by and goes smiles and tries to talk to my friends whilst ignoring me..
I go through homelessness again and a puts me up in her big flat she lives in alone (as a friend), but it’s such an odd situation because she keeps trying to initiate sex.. I see the salon shut for ages and get a weird feeling this is months later… July?… Just before R’s birthday.. I decide to message if she’s okay, the message goes through on iMessage so maybe I’m just blocked on WhatsApp idk? No answer.. I’m so manic not sleeping I take loads and loads of valium to try and shut my brain off and down gin, I’m on my own as A has gone away in the massive flat a st away from r’s and a st away from the salon everything is so fucking close.. anyways I go crazy from all the Valiums and somehow convince myself that if I just talk to r and tell her I mean no harm she will stop saying stuff about me and just be normal to me when we bump into each other. I go crazy ring loads. When she answers she goes hysterical screaming at me and laughing hysterically and calling me all these things. She hangs up and I ring and ring and leave nonsense drugged up voice notes like ‘does it make u feel powerful being so mean..’ Etc. I’m such an idiot I feel so bad for acting so odd and traumatised I decide to write to her and give her my favourite book I think about putting it in the post but she lives down the st so I think it’s an acceptable thing to leave it outside. When I get there she’s sat outside with her pals… she sees me and is like ‘hi.. what do you want’ I say I have something for her she just replies ‘sound’ so I give her the book and letters and she bursts out laughing..
I meet someone later (o) and then it turns out r was also trying to fuck them whilst with me and told a bunch of lies.. I go to a gay club with O and as soon as I walk in R is there, she just waves at me and I jump out of my skin. Fuck. I go over and I apologise profusely saying I’m having a manic episode and it’s no excuse (it really is no excuse - I’m aware my behaviour is fucked) but I say can I have a hug and she holds me, when I pull away she grabs me and puts her hand under my top whilst telling me she needs ‘space’ from me tonight and to leave, but that the letter was ‘sweet’. The letter was also like.. asking what the protocol was because I didn’t want to be accused of doing other disrespectful things - I’d been a prick and really shat on her boundaries apologising when she didn’t want to hear from me then going fuckin’ nuts and ringing her months later, but it was also cause I didn’t know if it was bad walking past the salon and how to avoid it or whether I was allowed/ should say hello - we WERE in love? I’ve never had to like idk police myself after being so entwined with someone, them knowing everything about me… and I just felt so ashamed of my actions and selfishly wanted to make up for it even though I knew that the only way to make up for it is to not apologise.. but ye I guess its also my life. R is involved in everything music, fashion, writing.. so I really wanted to be on like semi okay terms, but it was just completely fucked up of me trying to force that on a person and I truly am ashamed and have just been doing so much therapy since.
I did just about get myself on my feet, I got a council flat, got in to do my post grad, was playing music and had a gig lined up (smth I was nervous about again because r is friends with the gig organisers and other musicians involved) and then I had a serious rock climbing accident - smashed my left arm up pretty bad, had a lush two week stay in the hospital, two operations and a bunch of metal plates put in - it was a hard recovery as I’m so active usually and my council flat is like a st away from r’s salon and everyone who knows her in the queer scene and ye I walk out my flat and just get funny looks now because of it.. R did come and talk to me on the st one day after my accident I went to turn away but there was nowhere to go, so, idk it probably looked mental as but I put on my big grin and tried to just feel love and no animosity for her and just tried to chat normally and made a bunch of jokes and also apologised again, said I feel guilty and I think about what I did all the time, she told me to ‘let it go’ and made fun of my cast and chaos, kind of infantilising and kinda treated me like I was gross and bring up stuff that she knew would make me feel awful…
I pulled through my accident and even got a modelling contract with a pretty big agency, got funded to work on a film and started my postgrad.. but then things still happen all the time, a photographer blocks me, guess what, they’re friends with r. Two people working on the film, friends with R and I just feel weird around them, my friends ask me to go to events… r is djing. my best friend starts djing at the radio station r dis at and wants me to get involved but I know I can’t even though I’m friends with the person that runs the radio station. If I were to, r would get me banned and say it was to get to them or smth, which is not true, at this point I wish I could be as far away from them as possible. I’m scared to go and see my favourite musicians play as I always suspect r will be there as we have the same taste… scared to go to certain pubs I always went to.. before I met r I would spend days off at a cafe right by her salon and just read/ catch up on admin.. I’m too nervous now as she’ll again say it’s stalking/ her friends will think that too. My favourite food place was also next to her salon. I literally love the days it’s shut and I can just go down the main st like a normal person, funny thing is that’s the only time I ever see her other ex who is also too scared to go down the main st… it’s been so long now but I’m still crippled with anxiety, I know that she now has a partner so I thought maybe she might idk be full of love and evened out a bit, but she’s still trying to like talk to my friends.. and I know for a fact going around telling people I’m crazy, I tell myself it’s in my head that she’s doing this but then something happens.
I’m so young I just want to be happy, i make new friends and then if they make a move on me I freak out, can’t have sex at all, can’t be intimate. I don’t know when I’ll stop feeling like this. I guess I’m scared I’ll be awful to someone else like I was to R. And I know that my low self-esteem isn’t all due to R at all, if anything she built me up more than anyone else ever had… but I keep putting it on her in my mind and it’s obsessive and fucked up. I own a bit of land with a group of anarchist, working class queers now and we’re building huts to make a community - I’m on disability for my arm and the severity of my ‘ADHD’ and have so much opportunity to just write and try and make something of myself but I’m still so full of panic by the proximity. One of my other best friends good friend is close friends with R and so we can’t hang out together. They are creating a pop up poety/ wine night (I write poetry) so my pal wants me to be there desperately but I know r will be there and her friends who all think I’m an evil crazy bitch from hell. Which, I guess I am, but I’m trying not to be and treating me like shit forever and spreading things on top of the crazy shit I did which are fundamentally not true is just so difficult and makes me feel like I have to move away… I’m pretty sure after all this and my mind letting it continue that I definitely have BPD, all the symptoms are there but my mental health team just think it’s severe ADHD and possibly CPTSD and I just need to stick to my medication regimen (yay stimulants) and stay off of valium - I am!! But idk, everytime I think I’m doing something good I get scared that r will find out and tear it down.. it sucks, I have a lot of love and respect for her and wish I hadn’t done what I did but I did and I can’t change it.. so I guess I deserve it completely. But still, it’s difficult to make something of myself even though I deserve this..
Has anyone had a similar situation? any advice?
submitted by Sethhann to AnxiousAttachment [link] [comments]
I’m almost certain after my behaviour over the past two years that I have BPD but have only a diagnosis of ADHD despite telling mental health team.
I had a very upsetting and painful relationship with someone that made me feel really bad about myself. I hit out and had a mental breakdown, no I don’t feel like I can live my life because of who the person is and what they have made up about me on top of my already (true) crazy… I don’t really know what to do because I have really good friends in the city I live in but know that anything I do can and will be cancelled by this person.
oh goddddd, so I have a diagnosis of ADHD and not BPD but I did some crazy shit to someone I dated - so I reckon I do have BPD/ I was suffering from psychosis/ super low self esteem + trauma.
Context:Me - 26F Her 32F (I’ll use R to refer to hr)
I was living in my van at the time, really down and out - low sel esteem felt like i had nothing to offer.
She has a fancy salon on the main st in the area where kinda everyone i know in the city is/ DJs at the radio station across the st from r’s salon. To get anywhere you need to walk past her salon or try to avoid it. She knows all the big names etc and is like semi -famous.
Basically I was going through a bit of a rough time - had been struggling with homelessness for a while and that had gotten me into tricky situations which I didn't realise were probably leaving a mark on me. I hadn't been back in the UK for that long, having lived in Greece working in the camps for a while until covid happened and i experienced burnout and got back into drugs when trying to make new friends since i'd been abroad for so long. I sobered up and sorted myself out a bit and went and lived in my van tree-planting and having a nice time.
Anyways, I wasn't really into dating at that point but had dating apps and got talking to someone. Straight away she was really telling me loads about herself and so I opened up to over messages etc, she'd voice note and send pictures asking me to identify mushrooms she'd picked and asked me my opinions/ knowledge about intellectual topics etc, and basically seemed to have a lot in common with me/ wanted similar things.
We don't meet for a while because I'm flaky and always on the move. We finally meet, she comes to a friends house where i sometimes went when I was in the city (i lived in my van remember) and we take some mushrooms, laugh loads and then go to the club together, as soon as i get there she ignores me completely- but i bump into a friend so spend the night dancing with him.. i tell r I'm going to leave and we chat for a bit and then go outside, I ask if she's attracted to me because I'm confused by our interaction, i like r from our chats and how much we laughed together but then i think that she thinks I'm weird hence why she ignored me in the club- we end up circling each other and then kissing for a while, I go to leave and she grabs me an throws me to the wall and kisses me more (HOT). In the morning she messages me 'you're on my mind this morning'- I find it kinda wild, but like flattering and hot.
Anyways I'm away again and she tries to get me to drive back to the city to fuck a few times when she's drunk/ messages me in the night and gets annoyed when i don't reply 'I want you to talk to me' is what she'd say. I've never experienced anyone being so forward so i find it a bit unnerving but nice.
When we finally have sex it's wild, she strangles me without asking but it just works, she's so intense the most intense lover I've ever had, staring at me like she's going to swallow me whole. she says it's the best sex she's ever had - i don't know how to reply, but it is good. We continue seeing each other and she tells me all about her exes who are badddd, like crazy - 3 turn up at r’s flat over the time we are seeing each other... (and she tells me how she has gotten people cancelled).. We hang out a LOT she keeps telling me she's going to fall in love with me but she can't- can't have a relationship, we chat about what we want and she seems to want everything i want? Land, community.. She comes for a drink with me and my friend and storms out half way through i follow her and she's like I'm sorry and goes to dinner, i wake up to 9minutes worth of voice notes telling me all of these nice things about me but that I'm like damaged goods so maybe we should be friends because she knows she'll fall in love with me and she can't do that.. I'm so confused i message back telling her that everything is telling me to run away but for some reason i can't..
everytime i stay r tells me she's going to fall in love with me over and over again, but that she can't do that and it hurts me so i often stay in the spare room, always awaking to her coming in and clinging to me in the night, the way she holds me feels so good.. it really confuses me, so i become unsure if i should see her, everything feels wierdly dramatic all the time and the sex is crazy, she sends me constant nudes and desires me all the time, asks me to come to her work just to kiss her. Does not stop going on about my appearance and body (I'm like SUPER underweight at that point - sick looking- but i guess muscly from all the manual labour? idk weird she was so into it). But we do have the best times when we're together and i feel so special she covets me in public and invites me to cool fancy events and i feel accepted by like the beautiful people? But then she's also seeing other people, (none like me though, she loves me and it's different...) and makes fun of me for not (ENM) so i try and date other people but she stops me each time. She gets a bit calmer and things feel okay between us, i stay most nights she still pushes and pull but i put it down to her trauma and she tell me she's in love with me. I tell r i need time but she demands that i fuck her hard and lover her during sex. R corners me all the time over the next few weeks and tells me i must feel the same way as it's between two people. I'm obsessed, I love her back, I tell R this but that it feels painful and that shouldn't be what love is. We continue hanging out and it seems okay but it's like I'm waiting for her to do something again, it's incredible in so many ways the way we talk constantly about everything and all the amazing things she says to me.. But I'll catch r out on lies/ she'll do things/ say things that are really mean both to me and to strangers etc.
But then things get hard she has some family stuff and says she can't date me, i of course say that's fine but she messages me every day - i get really sick from living in the van during winter with no heating and end up at my mums (alcoholic) after not seeing her for years, she ghosts me over random stuff then rings me crying saying she loves me and would be with me if stuff was not happening in her life.
I get a bit better and come back to the city in my van sleeping near parks etc, the night i get back i meet my friend (an ex, I'm a lesbian what can i say) who sees my phone flashing and her texts to me, she can't believe that that's how she speaks to me. I ask r if I'll see her tonight, she messages me as I'm parked up a while out the city demanding i come fuck her and leave my dog alone in the van. I feel like shit but then do what she wants the following night after not having slept, our relationship becomes me coming over and cooking for her and fucking her on demand.. At this point I'm barely sleeping each night, waiting for her to message me or up from the cold. one night i say no and that she has no respect for me, the next day I say we need to chat- she's mean over text and is all about what just tell me over text, so i tell her i think she has zero respect for me and it hurts. she brushes it off but later sees me walk past her salon and then ends up coming into the shop where i go with my friend and grabs my hand. Later she sees me again whilst djing (across the road from her salon) and messages me and asks if i like her croptop i tell her ofc she looks amazing, she says she'll come chat to me later. She doesn't so i sleep until she turns up at my van at midnight wrecked. I come out and ask her wtf she is doing but she just grabs me and kisses me and throws me against the park railings and tells me to come to hers so i follow her, we start having sex and i freak out and she tells me she loves me to which i only reply 'sure'. she jumps out of the bed and starts screaming at me to get out if i don't think she loves me, i move to get up but then she presses me down and doesn't let me leave nor does she let me sleep and shakes me trying to get me to talk but I've shut down.
The next day I wake having had one hour sleep feeling terrible. i go down on r and bring her to orgasm she bucks into my nose and i bleed everywhere, a sad trail of red leading to the bathroom.. she sits me on the edge of the bath and cleans me up, we shower together and i watch my blood mix with the water. Later in r’s kitchen she picks me up and sits me on her counter (I'm p tall 5'8 but tinnyyy 47kg and she's 6ft curvy af and strong) and strokes my hair tries to speak to me but i can't hear anything i feel so done and hurt and terrified to lose her, it's like my self worth has become reliant on her because idk she's so powerful in the area i live and is so mean about everyone and if she's not mean about me then maybe I'm not so bad right? I know - bpd right?
Anyways i go to my van and change and r comes in and gives me my stuff that i had at hers i tell her i don't want it and throw it out… I was feeling rejected I guess?.. she's laughing at me an I'm so embarrassed i throw my clothes into the street I'm crazy, feel ridiculous and small and sick and ashamed i want her not to see me like that. She storms off and tells me I'll never see her again if I do that again so I follow her (she wants to go a walk) and she screams at me in public all around the park and i try to calm her. By the time we get back to hers I'm apologising telling her it woulave completely lost my d be a shame to waste our connection and i love her. I have completely lost myself, I'm a different person from when she met me. I have no where to go but go to my friends who tells me she's worried about me and that someone shouldn't be treating me that way. The woman just sends me romantic songs and i tell her i think the other night was inappropriate, she admits that it was and says we can never talk about it again.
I start going crazy- messaging weirdly when she doesn't reply, clingy like, r tells me she doesn't think about me doesn't care about me. I'm not sleeping still and in the morning i tell her that i think she needs therapy etc if she thinks that this is love because it should feel good and it should be an action not just some intense feeling she has and that i am so confused because she treats her friends so nicely and yet the person she is in love with like a dog or an enemy and i think she's amazing but maybe we should be friends if her behaviour doesn't change cause i don't want to lose her.. She is obviously mad with me and tells me she completely fell for me but can't have a relationship (not my point). We were meant to have a date that night as r was going to Mexico the next day but she cancels because of my behaviour.. i ask to go and get my records then so i go to the salon- with her favourite chocz (ikr I'm full psycho at this point) and she's angry but we make out loads in the back street.. she says she'll meet me later, I'm a mess getting ready and think I'll be late so don't get fuel for my van (so no heating), i turn up and she's still working but invites me in i try and wait but my mum keeps ringing saying she's suicidal.. she finally finishes cutting the persons hair 2 hours after i turn up... and we make out loads in the salon, but shes mean, shes hungry so i take her for food she holds my hand down the street and leans her head on my shoulder as she eats i walk her to her car and she tells me that's it i kiss her loads and ask her to drive me back and she agrees I'm trying not to cry as she drops me off and she asks me why do i care so much about it. i kiss her and she drives off. i try and sleep on my friends couch but it's so cold. I message her and joke how she's going to go through all my texts laughing with her business partner - she's like wtf.. (she told me she'd done that with ex partners texts and I'm so paranoid all the time at this point), she tells me something has happened and she has to stop texting i apologise and say i;ll message in the morning...
She's so mad with me still in the morning and the communication is fucked, she's mad i just want to be friends and everything else, but of course, i want to be with her and not just be friends, i'd really do anything. I ask if i can leave her a letter because everything i text is misconstrued. She says yes so i write her a letter telling her how i feel and apologising, i feel like i really love her, she's such a strong character and so interesting and so fierce with so many idiosyncrasies and mad music knowledge and that i want to be in her life in any capacity that i can, i mean it but I'm so so fucked up at this point and i'd had a long term relationship but like it wasn't like this.. the intensity, it was really nice and so loving, but it was very different from this, despite the pain of it no one had ever said such amazing things to me and i'd never had sex like that / so much in common musically etc.... I'm so hurt and just think i should try move on, i go and sleep with someone straight away. the next day she messages me whilst on her way to to the airport, telling me the letter made her cry - because it's sad and that all she wants to do is be in my arms, i tell r i love her and r says she feels the same, but I'm stupid i try and date other people whilst she's in mexico. The stupidest idea, I’m so so mentally ill at this point, not sleeping and pushing my body to the absolute limits at work and to nail the coffin.. start taking street valium to try and sleep.. i tell r about going on dates, i always told her before because i want to be open about that and she encouraged my dating other people (but i have like sexual trauma so it's difficult for me, but i don't mind her dating) she gets jealous of one person i date (a)… A instantly clings on to me and by then myself esteem is so done i think everyone can just take what they want from me and I give it despite a year ago knowing full well I would have ran a million miles from someone like a.. and this is really horrible.. but i wasn't even really attracted to a and i missed and loved the r so badly, but a kept demanding me to come fuck her very similar to the way r did, but obvs I loved r, so I did go an fuck a even when I didn’t want to. Whilst a is in Mexico she sends me highly sexual messages again and of course I'm so hooked, i wake up to voice notes from r telling me she loves me that she wants to do everything with me, to read to her to go travelling, to do all these mad adventurous things etc and that when she gets back she needs to see me straight away and it'll be different this time we'll do sober things etc etc. at this point I'm flat sitting a friends flat so i finally have somewhere to stay - although only for a bit..
R arrives back and I'm so excited to see her, i don't want to fuck up this time and i want to be good for her, she also has regular lovers so maybe it's good that i now have someone else as well.. when r finally gets to the place I'm staying she's two hours late and she's full of mezcal telling me about a half a million property she's going to buy (what about wanting to get land like me). I'm cooking for her and we're making small talk but she just jumps on me and tells me to get into the bedroom so i do. she pushes me on the bed and tries to fuck me (again something i can have problems with cause past trauma) she hurts me so i tell her and she laughs and stops rather than asking what i want. I've never seen her so turned on, like, her clit is SWOLLEN anyways we have a LOT of sex for hours and hours can't stop touching each other telling each other how much we love each other, and i talk about the woman I'm dating and the sex... because i found it interesting because i struggle with casual sex / not having feelings for people who i sleep with but managing to have good sex with that person sometimes without having feelings (fucking for pleasure, as noted smth I struggle wi cause of trauma), i don't really remember chatting about it (she tells me the next day how inappropriate that is).. anyways it feels p fucking magical to be back with r and the next day she sees me running my errands whilst she's in her salon and asks me to get her for her lunch so i do and she comes up to the flat i'm staying in and we make out but then she becomes nasty to me - making fun of my clothes and then asking if i only like her for sex (very confusing as she always jumps on me when i'd much rather go and fucking do smth fun...). She tells me off for talking about a (very fair what a twat I am) and i'm mortified, i apologise so much and tell r maybe i was trying to show off or smth but i don't remember too well because i would never want to hurt her, i'm so desperate to make it work this time.. I move in with my close friend and I stop fawning over her so much, confused by the hot and cold.. I go and stay with people and I text her the same as always but I just seem to annoy her…
R sleeps with someone I know she doesn’t even like and I’m upset - what are we doing to each other!? I try to communicate this but everything I do annoys her, when I’m invited to a cottage with an and her friends I go, just for a night. Whilst there r starts phoning me manically asking to come over and that she needs to sleep next to me, but I tell her I’m out, not where, I should’ve said where I know.. been honest.. r sends loads of messages, I should just go and ring her but for some reason I don’t because I’m so anxious, I just text her I’m so sorry I’m away id love to be with her but we need to start arranging things rather than her expecting me to just drop everything there and then all the time - I honestly thought about driving my big van 2 hours back just to be there for her and I wish I had.. I say I’ll see her as soon as I’m back but it goes on at this place, I hate it I want to be with her.
When I get back the next day I cook r a massive meal and we try and watch a film.. I have no tv and no laptop just a shite iPad. I obviously can’t concentrate on it and it annoys r.. we have sex and she tells me she loves me but I don’t reply, I just stare confused… she says she needs to go and stay in her own bed, I ask if she wants company but she says no, so she goes. But she tells me to come in to the salon on valentines day to get my hair done..
I’m pretty ill at this point again and food isn’t going well with me and just super mentally unstable with everything going on and staking street valium each night.. it’s my pals birthday and I’m so anxious around everyone I get completely black out, take loads of drugs. My dog runs away and she is texting me maniacally I’m on the st tripping balls looking for my dog , I run to the park (past her salon) she sees me and runs out and grabs me I immediately have a panic attack and collapse, her staff bring me water and she comes out and calls my friends who come and get me, she messages me asking if I’m okay. I apologise not realising the gravity of the situation. Later she (rightfully) doesn’t want to talk to me when I try.. I lose my shit, she isn’t going to cut my hair, I accuse her of manipulating me, lying (she was always lying tbh and I knew it but just turned a blind eye) and not loving me, just using me for sex, complete psychotic drool. I don’t remember any of it, I was FULL of Xanax and everything else. I fall asleep and when I wake up I’m sick realising what I did, I ring her trying to apologise, of course she won’t speak to me, so I apologise profusely. She won’t see me again. I get it I’m awful, so awful, but I’m so full of panic.
I accept that she doesn’t want to see me but I get covid and keep filling with panic and sending her apologies ( I think on two occasions) and getting really cruel responses. I then pour my heart out, all romantic, the way she used to talk to me (I know I’m mortified) and she calls me disgusting and to focus on someone else (which hurt because my problem is I struggle with focus on someone because I’m so damn scatty/ avoidant a lot of the time, probs why I fell so hard for her because I couldn’t NOT focus on he be drawn and obsessed with her). I’m terrified of walking my dog certain ways and passing her salon worried she’ll accuse me of stalking because I messaged so many times to apologise.. if I do pass with friends she stares out at me..
But then she comes and talks to me on the street and says she will see me soon (she’d always say this when she sort of ended smth, to tell me it wasn’t really over in her code) so I thought it would be like all the other times she’s be annoyed and mess with other people then call me in crying again. So I message r and suggest a walk - she blocks me. I’m so mentally ill now, can’t go down the street and have panic attacks daily that my life is ruined, hurting someone like that and being so mean and also what she will be saying to people, people look at me differently like I’m mad (she got her ex barred from an art studios, another is seen as an abuser and has called other stalkers/ crazy). It was also (pure vanity) horrifying knowing everyone would think I was this evil crazy person.. so I’d try and stay out of her way but sadly struggle as her salon is on the main Street and I couldn’t keep making my friends walk a different way (they thought I was mad too). I continue seeing a for a 2 weeks but its too much so I ask for space but she then tells me she loves me and it feels too much like what I’d just been through (why am I now creating a new pattern)… I’m so lonely and fucked up and mad and weird that A continually gets back in because my boundaries are so poor and I’m so mentally ill and probably confusing her a lot :(. I go in and out of utter panic and trying to quit the st valium and relapsing. R sees me at gigs and sometimes tries to come up but I always freak out and have a panic attack, she comes out the salon when I walk by and goes smiles and tries to talk to my friends whilst ignoring me..
I go through homelessness again and a puts me up in her big flat she lives in alone (as a friend), but it’s such an odd situation because she keeps trying to initiate sex.. I see the salon shut for ages and get a weird feeling this is months later… July?… Just before R’s birthday.. I decide to message if she’s okay, the message goes through on iMessage so maybe I’m just blocked on WhatsApp idk? No answer.. I’m so manic not sleeping I take loads and loads of valium to try and shut my brain off and down gin, I’m on my own as A has gone away in the massive flat a st away from r’s and a st away from the salon everything is so fucking close.. anyways I go crazy from all the Valiums and somehow convince myself that if I just talk to r and tell her I mean no harm she will stop saying stuff about me and just be normal to me when we bump into each other. I go crazy ring loads. When she answers she goes hysterical screaming at me and laughing hysterically and calling me all these things. She hangs up and I ring and ring and leave nonsense drugged up voice notes like ‘does it make u feel powerful being so mean..’ Etc. I’m such an idiot I feel so bad for acting so odd and traumatised I decide to write to her and give her my favourite book I think about putting it in the post but she lives down the st so I think it’s an acceptable thing to leave it outside. When I get there she’s sat outside with her pals… she sees me and is like ‘hi.. what do you want’ I say I have something for her she just replies ‘sound’ so I give her the book and letters and she bursts out laughing..
I meet someone later (o) and then it turns out r was also trying to fuck them whilst with me and told a bunch of lies.. I go to a gay club with O and as soon as I walk in R is there, she just waves at me and I jump out of my skin. Fuck. I go over and I apologise profusely saying I’m having a manic episode and it’s no excuse (it really is no excuse - I’m aware my behaviour is fucked) but I say can I have a hug and she holds me, when I pull away she grabs me and puts her hand under my top whilst telling me she needs ‘space’ from me tonight and to leave, but that the letter was ‘sweet’. The letter was also like.. asking what the protocol was because I didn’t want to be accused of doing other disrespectful things - I’d been a prick and really shat on her boundaries apologising when she didn’t want to hear from me then going fuckin’ nuts and ringing her months later, but it was also cause I didn’t know if it was bad walking past the salon and how to avoid it or whether I was allowed/ should say hello - we WERE in love? I’ve never had to like idk police myself after being so entwined with someone, them knowing everything about me… and I just felt so ashamed of my actions and selfishly wanted to make up for it even though I knew that the only way to make up for it is to not apologise.. but ye I guess its also my life. R is involved in everything music, fashion, writing.. so I really wanted to be on like semi okay terms, but it was just completely fucked up of me trying to force that on a person and I truly am ashamed and have just been doing so much therapy since.
I did just about get myself on my feet, I got a council flat, got in to do my post grad, was playing music and had a gig lined up (smth I was nervous about again because r is friends with the gig organisers and other musicians involved) and then I had a serious rock climbing accident - smashed my left arm up pretty bad, had a lush two week stay in the hospital, two operations and a bunch of metal plates put in - it was a hard recovery as I’m so active usually and my council flat is like a st away from r’s salon and everyone who knows her in the queer scene and ye I walk out my flat and just get funny looks now because of it.. R did come and talk to me on the st one day after my accident I went to turn away but there was nowhere to go, so, idk it probably looked mental as but I put on my big grin and tried to just feel love and no animosity for her and just tried to chat normally and made a bunch of jokes and also apologised again, said I feel guilty and I think about what I did all the time, she told me to ‘let it go’ and made fun of my cast and chaos, kind of infantilising and kinda treated me like I was gross and bring up stuff that she knew would make me feel awful…
I pulled through my accident and even got a modelling contract with a pretty big agency, got funded to work on a film and started my postgrad.. but then things still happen all the time, a photographer blocks me, guess what, they’re friends with r. Two people working on the film, friends with R and I just feel weird around them, my friends ask me to go to events… r is djing. my best friend starts djing at the radio station r dis at and wants me to get involved but I know I can’t even though I’m friends with the person that runs the radio station. If I were to, r would get me banned and say it was to get to them or smth, which is not true, at this point I wish I could be as far away from them as possible. I’m scared to go and see my favourite musicians play as I always suspect r will be there as we have the same taste… scared to go to certain pubs I always went to.. before I met r I would spend days off at a cafe right by her salon and just read/ catch up on admin.. I’m too nervous now as she’ll again say it’s stalking/ her friends will think that too. My favourite food place was also next to her salon. I literally love the days it’s shut and I can just go down the main st like a normal person, funny thing is that’s the only time I ever see her other ex who is also too scared to go down the main st… it’s been so long now but I’m still crippled with anxiety, I know that she now has a partner so I thought maybe she might idk be full of love and evened out a bit, but she’s still trying to like talk to my friends.. and I know for a fact going around telling people I’m crazy, I tell myself it’s in my head that she’s doing this but then something happens.
I’m so young I just want to be happy, i make new friends and then if they make a move on me I freak out, can’t have sex at all, can’t be intimate. I don’t know when I’ll stop feeling like this. I guess I’m scared I’ll be awful to someone else like I was to R. And I know that my low self-esteem isn’t all due to R at all, if anything she built me up more than anyone else ever had… but I keep putting it on her in my mind and it’s obsessive and fucked up. I own a bit of land with a group of anarchist, working class queers now and we’re building huts to make a community - I’m on disability for my arm and the severity of my ‘ADHD’ and have so much opportunity to just write and try and make something of myself but I’m still so full of panic by the proximity. One of my other best friends good friend is close friends with R and so we can’t hang out together. They are creating a pop up poety/ wine night (I write poetry) so my pal wants me to be there desperately but I know r will be there and her friends who all think I’m an evil crazy bitch from hell. Which, I guess I am, but I’m trying not to be and treating me like shit forever and spreading things on top of the crazy shit I did which are fundamentally not true is just so difficult and makes me feel like I have to move away… I’m pretty sure after all this and my mind letting it continue that I definitely have BPD, all the symptoms are there but my mental health team just think it’s severe ADHD and possibly CPTSD and I just need to stick to my medication regimen (yay stimulants) and stay off of valium - I am!! But idk, everytime I think I’m doing something good I get scared that r will find out and tear it down.. it sucks, I have a lot of love and respect for her and wish I hadn’t done what I did but I did and I can’t change it.. so I guess I deserve it completely. But still, it’s difficult to make something of myself even though I deserve this..
Has anyone had a similar situation? any advice?
2023.03.21 20:09 DeadMeadow_ 34F - Need a support pal for some rough times
Hey yall,
I moved from a big city to a small town and have no friends. My partner and I are having a hard time getting along and Im experiencing a lot of loneliness. Wow I sound sew kewl!!!
For real though, sometimes its fucking hard when youre kind of isolated here. I live on a mountain, its a small town, everyone is like 45+ and has a family. I cant just go to a bar and meet people. The winter has really made me feel like crap...its almost spring here so things are looking up...but...id like a frand to chat with. im pretty cool, funny, available to chat p often, i dont game, i like nature a lot, im kinda a hippie, i love animals, i love to talk shit. OK message me if youre into this.bye!
submitted by DeadMeadow_ to MakeFriendsOver30 [link] [comments]
I moved from a big city to a small town and have no friends. My partner and I are having a hard time getting along and Im experiencing a lot of loneliness. Wow I sound sew kewl!!!
For real though, sometimes its fucking hard when youre kind of isolated here. I live on a mountain, its a small town, everyone is like 45+ and has a family. I cant just go to a bar and meet people. The winter has really made me feel like crap...its almost spring here so things are looking up...but...id like a frand to chat with. im pretty cool, funny, available to chat p often, i dont game, i like nature a lot, im kinda a hippie, i love animals, i love to talk shit. OK message me if youre into this.bye!
2023.03.21 19:57 watercolorlace Suburb near snowboarding that won’t be near wildfires?
Husband and I are looking for somewhere to move maybe in the next 5 years, just don’t know where! We currently live in the southeast US and hubs is so bored and over the heat and humidity.
His loves include: snowboarding, mountain biking and golf.
We both love food.
I would prefer some sort of suburb, that way we don’t have to drive too far to get groceries, medical care, shopping etc.
Good schools (trying for a family).
Need a nice sized yard for our dogs.
We’re both not religious. I lean left politically, he is center leaning right.
Current budget is around 600k for a single family house.
We’re torn, because he loves the Rockies for the snow (and its sports) and the scenery. I love the scenery but am nervous about wildfires/drought.
He works in the car business, so somewhere where that does well is a huge plus.
Any help is greatly appreciated!
submitted by watercolorlace to SameGrassButGreener [link] [comments]
His loves include: snowboarding, mountain biking and golf.
We both love food.
I would prefer some sort of suburb, that way we don’t have to drive too far to get groceries, medical care, shopping etc.
Good schools (trying for a family).
Need a nice sized yard for our dogs.
We’re both not religious. I lean left politically, he is center leaning right.
Current budget is around 600k for a single family house.
We’re torn, because he loves the Rockies for the snow (and its sports) and the scenery. I love the scenery but am nervous about wildfires/drought.
He works in the car business, so somewhere where that does well is a huge plus.
Any help is greatly appreciated!
2023.03.21 19:53 EveFluff Disc tear and bulge. 10+ years of sciatic pain on both of my glutes and lower back. Pain is a 3/10 but goes to a 9/10 after sitting down for more than 3 hours [33F][5'7] MRI results included
Below are the results of my MRI. My doc says she is against surgery but I wanted to get feedback from others. I'm in the midst of trying to family plan but there is no way in heck I think I could get pregnant and raise a newborn and not have even more pain.
I do not drink more than 3 drinks per month or smoke tobacco but I do consume cannabis (edibles mostly) to help with pain (about 5mg daily). No other meds (not even otc advil). I'm unable to take long flights, sit down for more than 3 hours or participate in golf (big family thing). I can't even garden for more than 15 minutes. I AM able to run on a treadmill for 2 miles every other day. I lift weights and try to keep my back in mind for every exercise. I do some sort of PT exercise for my back every day. No other medical issues. I weigh 130lbs.
Is the following enough to consult surgery? Disc replacement? The pain is more of a major annoyance than a life-hindering thing but it's been 10 years of this.
Thank you very much in advance. I have above average health coverage in the US if that makes a difference.
-------------
Study resultImpression
Mild degenerative disc disease L5-S1 without significant spinal stenosis.
Narrative
CLINICAL HISTORY: Reason: Pt with R lumbar radiculopathy, and reported H/O L4-5 HNP . Please o HNP/ stenosis. Needed for Pain Block Clinic ESI vs surgery ( pt interested in microdiscectomy option ) Thank you
COMPARISON: No previous study available.
TECHNIQUE: Study performed per protocol.
FINDINGS: Alignment is normal. Bone marrow is normal in signal without evidence of fracture or marrow replacing lesion. The conus is normal in appearance. Disc desiccation noted L5-S1. Paravertebral soft tissues appear unremarkable.
T12-L1: Unremarkable. L1-2: Unremarkable. L2-3: Unremarkable. L3-4: Unremarkable. L4-5: Unremarkable. L5-S1: Suggestion of a posterior annular tear and minimal disc bulge without significant central canal or foraminal stenosis.
submitted by EveFluff to AskDocs [link] [comments]
I do not drink more than 3 drinks per month or smoke tobacco but I do consume cannabis (edibles mostly) to help with pain (about 5mg daily). No other meds (not even otc advil). I'm unable to take long flights, sit down for more than 3 hours or participate in golf (big family thing). I can't even garden for more than 15 minutes. I AM able to run on a treadmill for 2 miles every other day. I lift weights and try to keep my back in mind for every exercise. I do some sort of PT exercise for my back every day. No other medical issues. I weigh 130lbs.
Is the following enough to consult surgery? Disc replacement? The pain is more of a major annoyance than a life-hindering thing but it's been 10 years of this.
Thank you very much in advance. I have above average health coverage in the US if that makes a difference.
-------------
Study resultImpression
Mild degenerative disc disease L5-S1 without significant spinal stenosis.
Narrative
CLINICAL HISTORY: Reason: Pt with R lumbar radiculopathy, and reported H/O L4-5 HNP . Please o HNP/ stenosis. Needed for Pain Block Clinic ESI vs surgery ( pt interested in microdiscectomy option ) Thank you
COMPARISON: No previous study available.
TECHNIQUE: Study performed per protocol.
FINDINGS: Alignment is normal. Bone marrow is normal in signal without evidence of fracture or marrow replacing lesion. The conus is normal in appearance. Disc desiccation noted L5-S1. Paravertebral soft tissues appear unremarkable.
T12-L1: Unremarkable. L1-2: Unremarkable. L2-3: Unremarkable. L3-4: Unremarkable. L4-5: Unremarkable. L5-S1: Suggestion of a posterior annular tear and minimal disc bulge without significant central canal or foraminal stenosis.
2023.03.21 19:51 DogshitHandGrenade PXMD - Initial DD - This one can rip without the fear of massive dilution
 | 2023-03-21 submitted by DogshitHandGrenade to Shortsqueeze [link] [comments] DogshitHandGrenade PXMD – Initial Due Diligence Hey Potato Fam, I hope we have licked our wounds from TRKA ad you’re ready for spring plays. I have a fresh opportunity that is sprouting called PXMD. I was first alerted to this by Charlie at ZipTrader yesterday. It’s a juicy early-stage pharma company with a very low share count, insanely low free float, high short interest & insane cost-to-borrow. They have a promising product, many catalysts coming and they’re just recently acquired financial facilities that are dilution friendly (for shareholders). The size of the company and free float is so low, even a small jump in attention will send this soaring. 1 What is PXMD PXMD is an early-stage pharma company. The big product they’re working on is a medication that will help treat patients on the autism spectrum. Their autism (ASD) medication is approaching the latter stages of the approval cycle where any day a positive PR can send this stock soaring. https://preview.redd.it/zcte25p525pa1.png?width=503&format=png&auto=webp&s=966137be928aa306ed1605c72efd2666f58f312c In the past (3) months PXMD has announced two different financing vehicles to keep their operations through the clinical period. We know from TRKA how important it is to understand the terms of this financing because it will be the primary source of capital and dilution moving forward. I will outline the two funding sources below. Long story short, these are very generous financing vehicles and the risk of dilution is minimal and will come likely at much higher prices. Here are some of today’s stats for PXMD before we dive into details. · Stock Price @ Time of Writing: $2.44 · Market Cap = $31.17m · Outstanding Shares = 12m · Free Float = 818k (only 6.79% of the shares) · Short Interest % and Qty. = 46% & 376k · Cost-to-Borrow = 472% 2 Funding Source – LIND Partners (Feb 3, 2023) This funding source was recently announced and provides PXMD immediately with $3.68m. PXMD must pay back this $3.68m in shares which ultimately causes dilution. The price of these shares was set at $3.50 because at the time of agreement PXMD was trading at $3.4ish per share. $3.68m / $3.5 means that this stock will dilute by 1.23m shares…. Eventually… so don’t be alarmed my little tater tot. The terms of the agreement are that the dilution will not start for six-months (so Aug 2023). The dilution will be over the course of 12-months and will therefore only be 102k shares/month. THERE IS NO RISK OF NEAR TERM DILUTION FROM THIS FACILITY and the future dilution will be minimal and at a higher valuation than we are currently trading. LIND also gets warrants to buy an additional 800k shares via warrants priced at $3.25. This means we won’t see this dilution unless we at least reach $3.25 (34% increase from today’s price). The dilution from these warrants is actually bullish because it will provide an extra $2.6m of capital for PXMD. 3 Funding Source – LINCOLN (Nov 22, 2022) This is the one that looks scary on the surface, but once you dig in is as tiny as a fingerling potato. Headline shows a $20m at-the-money offering for 12.9m shares. Holy potatoes that looks like a doubling of shares! Hold your tots for a second. In the filing you will find clearly written that at no time can PXMD issue more shares than would make Lincoln a >20% owner of PXMD. Meaning maximum dilution can only be 2.3m shares. https://preview.redd.it/baf568g625pa1.png?width=664&format=png&auto=webp&s=6dc8242a2ed35a873f153dc532357a2d1a956732 Here is the rule they cannot breach: https://preview.redd.it/wfr1g9w625pa1.png?width=384&format=png&auto=webp&s=c6ff512d81930d65a68ad957a76af0669e3fdae5 The headline of the offering only mentioned 12.9m shares because it had to make the assumption to reach $20m at the current stock price (which was $1.55 at the time). Therefore, given PXMD can only issue 2.3m shares to Lincoln in order for them to maximize this and capture the full $20m they would need to wait for the stock price to reach $20m/2.3m = $8.89 stock price. It is my assumption that the LIND financing gave PXMD the capital to keep operations going until they complete their trials and have positive PR to announce in 2023. Pending positive PR the stock price will increase and PXMD can tap into the LINCOLN financing at much higher price. PXMD has all the cash they need from LIND to keep their small operation going. 4 The Play Company has cash to keep operations going through Phase 3 trials and positive PRs Extremely Low Free Float Extremely high insider ownership LIND dilution cannot occur until Aug LINCOLN dilution could occur anytime but is only 2m shares and wouldn’t make sense at these low prices 46% of Free Float Shorted = 376k shares Cost-to-Borrow at 472%, this thing can’t be shorted anymore Insane amount of FTDs from Jan & Feb that need to come due The market today has been selling off squeeze plays making this a great opportunity to buy in low before the squeeze We don’t have the insane dilution risk we had in TRKA Only 3,500 watchers on StockTwit Low market cap… if this gets even a small bump in attention, this will explode. Just wait until Charlie ZipTrader makes an update video on this! https://preview.redd.it/x0ruzkl725pa1.png?width=762&format=png&auto=webp&s=c1715a4accb7c7634ce7e8bcfce974424c5097f9 -Given any increase in attention this thing can easily go to the high $3’s -Given the current stats and CTB, this can't be shorted realistically. -At the high $3's, I bet LIND will take their warrants which will cause dilution, but it’s bullish dilution because it increase PXMD cash -After we break the high 3’s I think this can run to the $8.89 price in which the LINCOLN shares have maximized their value and PXMD will issue their shares. -For me I would seek to get out in the $7’s to make sure I am out before the LINCOLN dilution. I am not at all worried about LIND dilution. I am not a financial adviser, I am a potato. None of this is financial advice, make your on plays. Party on Potatoes |
2023.03.21 19:39 QualityContent2018 Satellite Campuses and Socializing
Hello all! I am now almost 3 months into my first semester (I chose to restart doing college in spring) and I am currently taking classes at a satellite campus that's local (big college branching down to a smaller community). My campus doesn't have housing, and to me at least it seems to make the class dynamics skew toward being very antisocial, even when doing group projects. It's been somewhat of a stressor lately because I've been wanting to start/look for a study group for a few of my classes but almost no one is willing. Is this a result of taking intro classes, just normal Freshman things, or something else? I took a previous semester at the main campus university and the dynamic was completely different(had to leave because of medical reasons). I plan on moving back to the main campus fall semester of this year so is putting effort toward trying to form friend groups worth it or should I wait until next semester?
submitted by QualityContent2018 to college [link] [comments]