Etsy mother daughter gifts

Significant Other drama and rants

2015.07.22 00:10 apotero Significant Other drama and rants

A place to post about your SO who is just the *worst*. Come for support, come for advice, or just to vent and get it all out. That's what we're here for.

2015.09.21 22:33 auriem just NO! family

We are JustNoFamily, and we are a support space for people dealing with challenging family members and relationships.

2015.02.27 22:42 apotero Support for those with nasty, cruel, toxic, abusive MILs & moms

A place to post about your MIL or Mother who is just the *worst*. Come for support, come for advice, or just to vent and get it all out. That's what we're here for.

2023.06.09 07:01 IveGotIssues9918 Slowly feeling myself losing touch with reality. I swore this wouldn't happen again.

When I was younger and knee-deep in maladaptive daydreaming, I would constantly think of my life as an ongoing series of media. At one point, it was so intense that I actually had a series of short stories, called The Phantom Series, which combined dramatic narratives of things that had really happened and speculative (?) stories about potential future events that I was looking forward to (it was called The Phantom Series because I was writing this in the years immediately following my mother's death and it was all written as though my hypothetical future daughter was my self-insert whom all these things were happening to- a level of dissociation that made it easier for me to process what was happening to me). Of course, limerence, and attractions that didn't quite rise to the level of limerence, were frequent story arcs in this series- in every installment, "my daughter" was either infatuated with some boy "she" barely knew (the speculative future events that never really happened would almost always involve said boy) or had "her" emotional journey framed by "her" longing for love in general. Somewhat appropriate, as I wrote these stories when I was between 16 and 19 years old- but obviously, real life never worked out like my stories, and as such I found myself perpetually disappointed.
I was 19 when I was disappointed so badly that I swore I would never get carried off by my fantasies ever again. He was my seventh LO of life, my third just of college. We met at a party one night, made out and I, a completely clueless virgin, was about to go back to his dorm room with him before some observers intervened due to me being literally too drunk to stand. I was scared to see him again in the light of day, afraid that he wouldn't find me attractive in his sober mind. When I looked him up on Instagram the night after we met and found out his last name, my brain suddenly recovered the memory of, when I was 4 years old, my grandmother explaining maiden and married names to me and using his (incredibly generic) last name as an example of my hypothetical future married name. Over the next 5 weeks, my fantasies and my fears grew simultaneously- the higher the stakes were in my mind for seeing him again, the more afraid I was for it to happen, knowing that reality was going to destroy the fantasy. When I, my narcissistic abuser who I then called my "best friend", and his even-more-dysfunctional friend from high school showed up unannounced to a party where my LO would be 5 weeks after our initial meeting, that was exactly what happened- worse still, we ended up literally shutting down the party by being disasters of human beings (an ambulance was called for the friend and my abuser physically attacked my LO- no, I'm not kidding, this really happened). I woke up the next morning with a two-ton weight of depression on my chest as though I had just been handed divorce papers after 5 years of marriage, and of course, my abuser took further advantage of my misery which he had been actively encouraging the entire time (which was how I started to realize that he was, in fact, my abuser). After that experience, I swore that I was never going to break my own heart like that again- sadly, the only way I really knew how to keep that promise was through total isolation. There was a guy the following semester who in hindsight was probably genuinely interested in me, but I avoided the hell out of getting to know him, petrified of falling into the very same trap. When COVID hit the semester after that and I went on a leave of absence that ended up lasting for 5 semesters, it obviously lent itself to isolation. I spent that time in reflection, painstakingly trying to find the cognitive "cure" that would keep that from ever happening to me again. When I finally started to emerge from isolation around a year ago, almost instantly there were new attractions and even an eighth LO, but they lacked the delusional nature of the ones I'd had in my childhood and adolescence. Never again.
Well... here I am, 4 years after I declared "never again", realizing that somehow, some way, I have managed to let it happen again. Like all of my "hyperfixations" on people, it only gets worse the less input I have from reality to counter it... the problem is, it'll be almost another 3 months before I see him in person again, and I'm already not prepared for that crash back down to earth. Even getting a notification that he added to his Instagram story the other day gave me a small fog-clearing moment... but, since he posted about a sports team that my dad follows and that I used to when I was a child, a few hours later I thought "what if I responded to his story?" and had to say to myself, out loud, "no, don't do that". I've been mentally writing the story of next (fall) semester for over a month now, which, while not exclusively about him (in my flimsy ass defense), he obviously features prominently in- celebrating his birthday, working with him on committee, having the same half-funny half-pained interactions we've been having but with a cinematic twist that lets every audience member know that these two characters will fall in love by movie's end. As of a few days ago, this story has a title- a pretty brilliant one, stemming from a triple entendre about the story's setting and plot points, but it's still a speculative story about things that almost certainly won't happen and now it has a title. Just now, I found a selection of songs that would make the perfect soundtrack, and that was when I realized that I am royally fucked. When the hell did I become this person again? How hard and how many times do I need to get my ass kicked before I learn not to do this? I pulled out literally all the stops to not fall back into this trap, and still, it's like a siren's call. I'm left wondering if there's any hope, if this tendency is just a part of me that I will have to deal with periodically for the rest of my life.
submitted by IveGotIssues9918 to limerence [link] [comments]

2023.06.09 07:01 madalice4 Rooting a lilac tree

My mom has a lilac tree that my grandma rooted for her from her lilac tree. My mom is having the most difficult time rooting it herself to give to her daughters. She can’t get it to root. Can anyone help? Does anybody know how rooting an existing lilac plant works or how to create a new plant off the mother plant like you do with other plants?
submitted by madalice4 to gardening [link] [comments]

2023.06.09 06:59 abyss_des-etoiles WIBTAH If I tore my family apart?

Potential TW for nongraphic mentions of eating disorders and molestation.
I (F 16) recently told my mother that my brother (M 24) molested my sister (F 19) and me on multiple occasions several years ago. Sister and I had a whole discussion about what this entailed, and our mother didn't seem to be taking us seriously. She said he was "a bit mentally delayed as a child" (he has a minor physical disability which he exploits with our mother's help anytime he does anything wrong) and was probably just playing. The thing is, he manipulated sister and me in ways specific to our personalities to ensure neither of us would say anything. He would also make sure our parents weren't home (he was often tasked with babysitting) and would lock the doors to prevent surprises. He was 15 YO the last time it happened, which I feel is more than old enough to understand.
In this conversation, our mother also revealed that she believes this to be a very minor thing that all brothers do to their sisters, as her brothers molested her as a child (she didn't specify what happened, so I have no idea how far this went, but I do know that she grew up in a very rural area in the 70's, and as such often went out shirtless). She told sister and me to stop talking about it and forget about it, as it meant nothing, and that she was certain our brother didn't mean to cause us harm. She also said that if it was really a problem, we should have said something back then (I had no idea what rape was at the time, nor did I know anything about "private parts," as my incredibly conservative parents kept me sheltered under a rock).
Here's the thing: our brother hasn't changed at all. He hasn't molested us in several years, yes, but he is still very handsy and doesn't really treat sister or me like his siblings. He's extremely sexist and generally unpleasant, very far right, and currently failing in life (apologies if this sounds mean. I'll admit, I don't like him at all, and I don't know of a nicer way to describe his situation. He dropped out of college without a degree and is about to move back home).
To add one more large family rift before I get to the point, our mother has caused all of her daughters an eating disorder at some point. Growing up, our mother was often called fat, and told she could be cute if she lost a few pounds. She is not obese, but she is not skinny (she looks about like a normal 50 YO woman imo…). Throughout my childhood, she would encourage me to eat gum instead of snacking, to go on a sugar-free diet, and forced me to get up early in the morning to run with her. As anyone could expect, I pretty quickly learned to stop eating. Reached my lowest and sickest a few months ago and have been in silent recovery since (ended up with a stomach ulcer, blamed all symptoms and weight loss on that. Doing well now, thanks for asking). My other sister (F 22) has also recently returned from college. She used to be the skinny one that our mother would compare me to, so it was almost a relief (I know, I'm TA for this) when she went through a depressive episode and gained a lot of weight. She is now very insecure and our mother is guiding her down the path to an eating disorder. She's been eating very small amounts about since the time I started recovering, and is constantly judging me, telling me I need to lose weight (like I said, I blamed all my symptoms on the stomach ulcer, and completely denied that I had an ED, so none of my family knows I had one). I'm worried I'm going to relapse if I stay around her. Heck, even when I was at my lowest (underweight and literally dying) she told me she was skinnier when she was my age.
Now, to the point. Our father is a very old-school religious man, raised in a very Christian conservative 60's home. He has seen our mother struggle with her body image over the years, and so maintains a very stern position of "everyones' bodies are different, and we all need to eat to take care of ourselves." He also believes in strict Biblical punishments for rape/paedophilia. He used to be very harsh towards us, but has begun to realise that we're very quickly growing up and moving away (I'm going to uni with sister (19) this autumn) and has become more tender (he's probably having a midlife crisis tbh). He's really grown fond of sister (19) and me the past few years (sister (22) and brother moved across the country for college and are now back… without degrees…) and I believe he now favours us over our other siblings, as we now carry the family's potential (lol).
Sister (19) and I never told him about the molestation because… that's just not really something you tell your father…
But now I'm wondering if we should- and while we're at it, if we should mention the ongoing struggles with eating (because every time I tell my mother sister (22) is developing an eating disorder, she shrugs it off, and says sister (22) needs to lose some weight).
Doing this would tear our family apart, I have no doubt. The eldest two are our mother's favourites (she wanted 3 sons, so brother is her top favourite, and sister (22) is currently her little project) but us youngest two are our father's favourites. My parents have never had a major fight, so would it be wrong of me to ruin this balance?
I feel like our family is already falling apart. Our father is getting older and hasn't seen a doctor in several decades (he doesn't trust them), so it's a bit of a "speak now or forever hold your peace" sort of deal. There's a chance he could blow us off, too, but there's also the chance that he could take initiative and go for the root of the problem.
This might not fix anything, and might make everything worse. Maybe our mother was right, and we should have said something years ago. Maybe this all could've been over by now.
TLDR; My average suburban white family has some problems, but not according to our mum. Shall I tattle to Pa? :,(
WIBTAH if I tore my family apart?
submitted by abyss_des-etoiles to AITAH [link] [comments]

2023.06.09 06:58 Successful-Comfort13 Teacher asking for gifts

Tmrrw is my daughter‘s last day of school (4th grade). on our way home from school today she said her teacher told the class today to get her an end of the school gift no less than $50 and no more than $100. I asked my daughter if the teacher was messing with the class and she said no. this teacher has been such a great teacher to my daughter and I have always tried to help with supplies for the classroom, snacks and things like that throughout the year. and for teacher appreciation week we did gift her something. I was feeling bad I couldn’t get her something else before the school year ended but after hearing that she was asking for gifts and for them to be over $50 just shocked me and I just dont feel bad anymor. I don’t know about anybody else but I think Gifts should come from the heart and what a person is able to get you..not a person asking for it.
submitted by Successful-Comfort13 to Parents [link] [comments]

2023.06.09 06:49 helenasbff Heirloom Wedding Jewelry Gifted by MIL

Heirloom Wedding Jewelry Gifted by MIL
In my fiancé’s family/culture, it is tradition that the groom’s mother (family?) gifts the bride with jewelry for her wedding day. For our religious ceremony (civil will be next year), his mother gave me her wedding jewelry, gifted to her by her mother-in-law on her wedding day. I was so surprised, it completely came out of left field and I just had to show someone.
submitted by helenasbff to jewelry [link] [comments]

2023.06.09 06:49 TheCoolMomofDom AITA for cussing out my sister in front of everyone?

For context; my (26F) sister (25F) both have young children; I have a 3 year old son, she has a 1 year old daughter. I am a single mom who works full time in the legal field, and my sister is married to a professional athlete (major sports - think NFL/NBA/MLB); she's mostly a stay at home mom, but she's been pretty successful being a part-time realtor.
To be frank - as the baby of the family, my sister literally has never needed to worry about anything; money, housing, putting food on the table, etc. Because of the above, my sister has kind of an uppity/privileged attitude.
Every time I hang out with her, she is constantly disciplining my son/putting him in timeout if he does not immediately comply with her commands. Most of the time, he's literally just being a 3 year old (not doing anything mean/unsafe). His teachers at daycare constantly tell me how great of listener he is, how polite he is, etc, so that further cements my belief that she is way too overbearing on him. She has made comments about my status as a single mother, and how she believes that affects my ability to be an effective parent.
It all came to a head yesterday when we both were visiting our parents. My sister & I also hung out last weekend and through Wednesday, so I'd been dealing with her undermining me/scoffing/making slick comments all week. Thoughout the evening, she continued to make several comments of disapproval about my parenting, in front of my son. She randomly turned off a movie my son and I were watching to put something on for my niece (who wasnt paying attention), and then stormed out of the room saying "you're just teaching him that he gets what he wants if he cries" upon me telling her to turn it back on??
As we were leaving, she again inappropriately disciplined my overtired, and cranky 3 year old (it was well past his bedtime & he was actually asking to leave lol); I told her to stop, and she said something to the effect of "if you're not gonna discipline him I will".
At that point, I'd had enough. I went ballistic on her, in front of everyone. I pretty much said every cuss word in the book, told her I can't wait til my niece is a toddler so I can laugh right in her face when she learns that toddlers are not rational, emotionally/mentally developed tiny humans. I told her I'm done with her demonizing my son, and I'm done with her turning her entitled ass nose up at me when she won't even take my niece to the store b/c it's "too much". I scooped up my son and basically ran out of the house.
Once I calmed down a bit on the way home, I felt absolutely horrible that I exploded like that in front of my son & parents. I explained to my son that "mommy was feeling angry, but it was not okay for mommy to yell." I'm still super pissed at my sister though, and I'm not responding to her texts/calls. She says I'm overreacting.
Mom said I need to just "let it go". My dad is siding with me. AITA?
submitted by TheCoolMomofDom to AmItheAsshole [link] [comments]

2023.06.09 06:47 PlumpPhoenix Torrhen Hornwood, Lord of the Hornwood

Reddit Username: PlumpPhoenix
Discord Name: plumpphoenix
Name and House: Torrhen Hornwood
Age: 21
Cultural Group: Northerner (First Men)
Religion: Old Gods
Appearance: Torrhen has short dark brown hair that is at most ear length, and is clean shaven. He is of average height but has a robust build. He is very much a warrior. He is slightly darker than the average Northman, a tan that was obtained over his years as a sellsword in Essos. He has dark gray eyes that are prototypical of a Northman. He dresses simply, wearing furs and leathers with little adornment to them. The only symbol on his clothing is that of his house, that of the bull moose. Even then, the adornment is small in size.
Trait: Strong
Skill(s): One-Handed Swords (e), Two-Handed Weapons (e), Riding , Vanguard (e), Tactician
Talent(s): Games (Board/Card), Gardening, Cooking
Negative Trait: N/A
Starting Title(s): Lord of the Hornwood
Starting Location(s): White Harbor (changed this on advice of another player)
Alternate Characters: N/A

Torrhen Hornwood was born the last of four children to Lord Jorah Hornwood and Lady Alys Glover. His elder siblings in order of birth are Beron Hornwood, Alaric Hornwood, and Alarra Hornwood. As the third-born son and the youngest in the family, it was generally expected that he would not inherit into any lands or holdings. In most other families, it would have been likely that Torrhen would have received a lord’s education from a Maester before going off to find his own destiny and life. However, Lord Jorah Hornwood was a man who was a meticulous planner, and assigned every child’s destiny to them shortly after birth. He had dreams of making House Hornwood a house of great repute and renown, and wished each child of his to form a part of a greater whole. Therefore, Beron Hornwood, as the eldest, was specifically trained to be the lord’s heir, to be a master of diplomacy and intrigue, to charm and to impress. Alaric, the lord’s spare, was educated in numbers and administration, so that he would serve as his brother’s steward and principle advisor. Alarra was raised to be the perfect lady, so that she might help to forge a marriage alliance with another noble house. Finally, Torrhen was raised to be a soldier, so that he might server as the master-at-arms and lead his brother’s armies. Although his father had his plans, he could be cruel in crushing his children’s other interests and hobbies.
As such, when it came to skill at arms, although all the sons received some training, it was Torrhen who was deemed the primary focus of the master-at-arms instruction, and worked in a brutal regime, drilling for hours each day every day. He was additionally brought up learning military strategy and tactics, and studying ancient battles from before and after the Conquest. He did learn what would be considered an acceptable education for a noble in numbers and letters from the Maester, but beyond that his father demanded that Torrhen focus on martial skills. This decision did not disappoint Torrhen, as he largely did not really care about nor have any particular talent or gift for numbers and administration.
He was not particularly close with any of his brothers or sister, in part due to an 6 year age gap between the younger two siblings and himself, and also due to a difference in upbringing, as the other three siblings were educated together largely under the care of the Maester, whereas Torrhen was largely educated out in the field. The only member of his family with whom he was close to was his mother, who secretly taught Torrhen how to garden, as such a hobby was considered by Lord Jorah Hornwood to be beneath Torrhen. On his 14th name day, Torrhen was given a fine crafted bastard sword as a gift and has subsequently used that blade in every battle and fight he has been in.
In 195 AC, when Torrhen came of age, Lord Jorah Hornwood announced that Torrhen would depart for Essos at once, where he would take up residency and arms among the Ragged Standard, so that he would further hone his martial skills in genuine live combat. All the necessary arrangements had been made, and Torrhen departed that evening. Whilst overseas fighting in the Disputed Lands, he became familiar with foreign cultures and developed an interest in them. During this time, he became acquainted with various board and card games that were frequently played among sellswords, and was halfway decent at them. He additionally began to learn the basic tenets of cooking, after he grew tired of eating the same gruel that the Ragged Standard called food. This skill came particularly useful during a difficult campaign in the Disputed Lands, where the sellswords of the Ragged Standard were forced to consume rats and insects to survive. However, life was not all perfect in the Hornwood. In 198 AC, Beron Hornwood disappeared without a trace one evening. Servants had opened his chamber door to find the bed neatly made and empty, with no evidence of any struggle. None of the guards had seen him depart and to this day his disappearance remains a mystery. When Lord Jorah sought to recall his second son, Alaric, home from the Free Cities where he was being educated more deeply in numbers, the ship that was carrying Alaric was destroyed in a storm and sank without even seeing White Harbor. In the face of many of his sons dying and his lifelong established plans being torn asunder, Lord Jorah died in a fit of rage.
The news of Lord Jorah and his two elder brother’s deaths only reached Torrhen in 200 AC, when he had returned to Lys after a final campaign in the Disputed Lands. Upon finding out the news, he chartered a ship to White Harbor, where he expects to assume his duties as the Lord of the Hornwood.

179 AC - Torrhen Hornwood is born the fourth child of Lord Jorah Hornwood and Lady Alys Glover
183 AC - Torrhen begins learning the basics of gardening from his mother
185 AC - Torrhen begins his training in arms with the Master-at-Arms of the Hornwood
193 AC - Torrhen is gifted his bastard sword
195 AC - Torrhen departs Westeros to join the Ragged Standard and engage in combat in the Disputed Lands
197 AC - Torrhen distinguishes his skill as a commander and fighter in a difficult campaign while in the Disputed Lands.
200 AC - After returning from campaign, Torrhen discovers the news about his father and brothers and opts to return to Westeros and the North.
200 AC - Torrhen arrives in White Harbor. Present Day.

Hornwood Family Tree

Alarra Hornwood: (Archetype: Castellan) Alarra is not considered a comely nor homely woman and is tall and strong, taller than Torrhen. She wears her dark brown hair with braids and it flows down to her shoulders. She possesses intelligent dark gray eyes, and has a mind suitable for administration and numbers. She enjoys wearing subtle grays and whites as color in her clothing, and wears slightly more elaborate clothing, such as fine linens and silks.
Lady Alys Glover: (Archetype: Trader) Lady Alys, the mother of Alarra and Torrhen, is still alive. She has black hair that has begun to gray, and has brown eyes that are soft. Despite her age, she still possesses a strength in her posture and eyes. She is a woman of average height and build. She dresses similar to her daughter, but wears more reds and grays in the color of her house.
Maester Walder: (Archetype: Medic) The Maester assigned to serve the Lord of the Hornwood. He is a man of middle age, with a slight receding hairline of gray hair.
submitted by PlumpPhoenix to ITRPCommunity [link] [comments]

2023.06.09 06:38 Pluto-Rage Sometimes I feel like the wrong brother died.

This is going to be somewhat of a long post, but bare with me. I just made a reddit account for THIS reason because I really need to get this off my chest.
I live with a 34 year old brother who is completely selfish. Ever since the passing of my late-brother (oldest one past away when he was 31), I have been taking responsibility roles after him for my parents (I am the youngest child and only daughter). Being a full-time STEM student and unemployed, I have time to accommodate my parents needs to get tasks done: everything from running errands, to the bank, making sure rent and utilities are due on time, groceries, scheduling doctor's appointments for my father, and picking up prescriptions. Life has been a train-wreck for me since 2018. My parents are immigrants with little to no English and helpless in navigating modernized, western culture. Since my oldest brother is gone, I have to take on the unspoken position to make sure everything is okay for my parents.
Second brother, he is the most selfish person I have ever encountered; definitely self-righteous and paints a picture for everyone to see that he is this humanitarian or philanthrope in person, but behind closed doors he emotionally and physically abuses my parents. Everyone who meets him, loves him, but I know his true colors.
My dad had fallen ill of last year, and I was his caregiver for some time while juggling with challenging STEM classes at my community college. It wasn't easy taking care of my father due to his condition without the help of my second older brother. (He help sometimes to take him to dialysis), but when it came to the important stuff, it was expected of me. I have cried, had mental breakdowns, and often thought about suicide because of the pressure I was being put in.
My father's retirement funds kick in every month (about $1k a month). When my dad was bed-ridden last summer, and I was too busy with college, my dad asked my second older brother to withdrawal money from my dad's account for bills, giving him access to the PIN number. Ever since then, my brother kept my father's debit card and had pocketed $300 every month without my dad's knowledge or consent. Found out, that was $3600 my brother stole from our sick, disabled father. He did this for a year. My second older brother does not pitch anything for rent even though he works full-time, taking about $4000 a month with a bonus from his VA benefits.
He cranks up the air conditioning unit really low during the summer, so my mother has to pay $200 or so during the time. He asks my mom for money so he can go to the local laundromat (how does he not have at least $20 to spare for clothes to be washed and dried as an employed man??), and he is always asking money from my uncle and aunt. All he cares about is money and cares little about helping the family. He even skipped my oldest brother's funeral because he was too "afraid" to see his brother lying in the casket (I was the only one organizing my oldest brother's funeral, by the way; that week was emotionally and mentally exhausting).
My brother has physically pushed my dad out of his bed one time during a family argument, poured cold water over my mom's head, whipped her with a belt, and when he is really angry, he brings out his guns and creates this threatening aura in the room, showing everybody how "powerful" he is with guns (he was in the army and is a huge gun collector).
A part of me fears for my parents livelihood with him here, leeching off mom and dad; disrespecting them even though they let him do anything. Both of my parents are too scared to confront him because he gets violent with the potential threat that he can pull a gun out on them. I have confronted him a few times, but it ends up pretty disordered and horrific (my head bumped pretty badly against the window one time, because we were in a car, and I was arguing with him, so he decided to drive violently on the highway).
Part of me wished that he was gone instead of my oldest brother; my oldest brother was the opposite of him despite his autism and social dilemmas. He was empathetic and cared for the family.
My brother, I feel like he is the bane of my parent's existence and will bleed my parents out to dry when it comes to finances. He refuses to move out because he wants to leech off of my parents, so that he can freely uses his paycheck however he wishes to.
Is there anything I can do? He is my blood brother and a part of me cares for him, still, but I honestly wish he was gone sometimes. This seems like a fatalistic thing to say, but things would be peaceful around the house if he was not around. I am too stressed about family life, my dad's illness, STEM degree that I am working on, and our financial issue to be dealing with my brother's rampage.
Any advice?
submitted by Pluto-Rage to offmychest [link] [comments]

2023.06.09 06:28 lalalala90s Miss no shame Qweeeeen Ash

This is actually so fucking sad.
Why are you gloating that the people gifting you are predominantly single mothers?
You are encouraging them to hand you over money for what? Your own financial gain. And so openly and unashamedly.
There's a fucking housing and other social crisis situations happening all over and you are taking advantage of these people in a guise of being part of some fucking 'team'.
A team where no-one wins but you miss qweeeeen cunt.
You talk about 'so what I live with my mum, I'm going to own a house soon' yeah - after scabbing off people that are probably on single parent pension.
Lowest of low.
Enjoy your over priced ugly clothing, artificial claws and caterpillar lashes.
submitted by lalalala90s to AussieTikTokSnark [link] [comments]

2023.06.09 06:26 Itchy-Traffic9010 AITA For showing up at my exs house for support that was promised at that time when he stopped replying?

My ex fiancé gives me money every week as he promises (usually it’s every 2-3 weeks and he always changes it) for my daughter (he knows it’s not his baby but claims he loves me and wants to help me due to the father being absent) He makes 1500$ a week and works nights & gives me 240$ whenever we arrange plans. I tell him he doesn’t have to pay me because it’s not his child & he insists, yet always has some kind of story on why plans need to change. So we arranged that today he was going to buy a car and come bring me the money, and that if he didn’t get the car in time before his shift I can pull up on him and pick it up. He sleeps at some point in the day but idk when, he texts me saying “I’m not sure on the time I’m waiting on the car” so I texted back that I can come and get it and drove over there. He looked at my message, typed, and then stopped typing when I was already pulling in. He claimed that he almost didn’t see my message because he was sound asleep & rolled over for some water and saw me texting (his phones on silent). He told me he was sleeping even though he was just awake, and I apologized. He asked me to take him to get his check, and cash it. I bought him lunch with my gift card & when I dropped him off home he said he was going to call about the car and thanked me for helping him get his check, also gave me the money he said he would give me. Now about 11 tonight he texts me saying he missed work & overslept because of my negligence & my behavior. He wants me to change my behavior, and be courteous because I made him miss his shift tonight due to “waking” him up from his sleep and showing up to his house. Mind you, I did not knock, or honk my horn. I simply texted I was there & his phone supposedly was silent. I also was unaware he was sleeping as our plan was for me to come there if the car situation wasn’t happening soon enough due to me not being able to wait for the support that was promised to me. I told him he did not communicate with me that he was going to bed & was implying he was awake saying he was waiting. He continued to call me a child & say I costed him hours at work because I lack boundaries & need to understand how to behave properly. AITA?
submitted by Itchy-Traffic9010 to AmItheAsshole [link] [comments]

2023.06.09 06:20 Kk_Interaction_9504 AITAH - do I have a father?

I’ve always known that my “father” was a sperm donor, as my mother had undergone IVF. She always told me how wanted I was growing up and how much she loved me.
My family moved to Canada from Italy after WWII for a better life, so my mother grew up and was raised in a small town by two loving, but lived-through-the-war, and all it’s atrocities, parents. Life was only about survival - there was no time for emotions or well being. I don’t blame them. I’m grateful they survived. Fast forward to Canada, my mother grew up fairly sheltered, not many friends, and afraid of her own shadow you may say. She is a loving and giving person who will always put the needs of others, above her own. Looking back now, her childhood needs for love and affection were likely not met, and so now, she doesn’t handle criticism or conflict well, as it feels like a personal attack and brings out deep rooted insecurities. You’ll need to know this for later.
In her early 30s, she decided to go through with IVF and finally have a child of her own. She lost some friends throughout this, as it was still somewhat of a taboo topic in the 90s. Her parents supported her and she was successful with the process - as I write this here today.
She raised me all on her own. I don’t know how she did it, but her determination to provide for me was incredible. She bought her house in full, so she’s never had a mortgage, doesn’t have any car payments, always put food on the table, and gave me a quiet and secure life in that same small town. I might not have had the coolest toys or newest clothes growing up, but I had a roof over my head and food on the table. And for my mother to do all this, by herself, and still make it, is incredible.
Fast forward 20 years. I decide that I’d like to know some information about my bio dad. I ask my mom if she knows and she says no, she opted not to receive that information. Now I should mention, that I am one hard-headed and stubborn girl… not one of my best qualities. So when she said no, I said well, whether you wanted to or not, the facility/organization ethically, has to keep those documents. She quickly responded no, it was a different time back then, etc etc, and because she requested to not know any information, that information would be destroyed. Being as stubborn as I am, I took matters into my own hands and told her I’d call the hospital myself and ask for the records. She laughed in a defensive tone, and said “fine”.
The hospital had nothing. There was never any name given as my father on my birth certificate. I knew this, as it was IVF, but they had no documentation. When I called my mother again to tell her the news and that I felt a bit off and disjointed, as I didn’t understand how there could be nothing, she was quickly defensive and irritated by my will to know. Things like “well why does it matter anyway? “ or “I’m your mother, haven’t I done a good enough job?” Or “oh so I’m a bad mom, that’s why you want to know”. We had a huge fight, an absolutely massive blow up.
I went home a few days later and asked her why she was defensive. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t ask any questions and why it was causing such a response from her. We ended up in a yelling match. Eventually, she came out with a letter without saying anything. It was written by a man, one I did not know, professing his love to my mother. This man was my father. It turns out that my mother had an affair with a married man and got pregnant. He wanted to marry her after he found out she was pregnant, but feeling ashamed for falling into such a predicament in a small town from a VERY traditional family, she declined and decided it was better to tell everyone she got preganent through IVF. She didn’t want him apart of my life and refused his presence. She wanted to raise me all on her own.
My entire world had been shattered. For my entire life I’ve thought that I was a sperm baby and it was just “my mom and I”. Only to find out 20 years later that she did in fact, know my father. They kept in touch and he knew about me. She would send him photos of me and I even recall a conversation she was having with a “coworker” when I was younger, where she made me talk to them and say hello. I talked to them about my day and told them what shoes I liked. It wasn’t a coworker.
Immediately after revealing the truth to me, she made me swear to never contact him or tell anyone. She didn’t want to make a big deal of the matter, and I don’t blame her. She carries a lot of hurt and pain within her and she only did what she thought was best for me, as a child. … I don’t think I can adequately describe the shock and emotions I felt that went through me. I felt numb for approx 8 months and it didn’t feel real. It felt like a movie. I finally worked up the courage one night (8 months ish) to google his name and try to find some information about him, and about me. It was late at night after a long day. The first google hit that came up with my search, was his obituary, from 3 weeks prior.
  1. Weeks. Prior.
I felt like I finally ‘started’ to maybe believe that this information was true, only to find that I was 3 weeks too late, cause he had just past away. Can you grieve someone you never met? Someone you never knew you even had? Maybe it was the fact that the opportunity I didn’t even know I had earlier in the year, was now gone. I called my mom the next day and asked if she knew. I was delicate with it, cause this was still the man she had a child with and loved at some point.
She knew. She found out the next day. Thought it was best not to tell me as it would upset me. Turns out it was his daughter that sent out a notice. A daughter from the first marriage.
I have a half sister?
If you’ve read this far, I thank you for listening to my story. Not many people know this and apart of me felt like it would be empowering to finally say it out loud. Even if it’s to a bunch of strangers on the internet. I don’t want to draw a bad light on my mother - with the resources she had and the life she was given, she did the very best she could. I whole heartedly believe and know that she loves me. But I think part of me, and I don’t know how big, will ever fully trust her again with this matter. Our relationship hasn’t been the same since. I don’t think it helps that after I found out that my bio dad had passed, I couldn’t cope with it and needed space from my mother. I took probably 4 months of no contact with family. When I did re-engage in family events, all I heard was how much I was hurting my mother and causing her pain for not talking to her. Cutting off family, especially in a strong knit family culture dynamic, is not easy. It is and was not received well. I faced a lot of backlash for it from them.
AITA for hurting my mother from distancing myself from her and my family after everything happened?
I thank you again for making it this far. I don’t know how I’ll feel after I post this, but im hoping a bit lighter by finally saying it out loud. Thank you for listening. I wish nothing but kindness and happiness for those who read all this!!!
submitted by Kk_Interaction_9504 to AITAH [link] [comments]

2023.06.09 06:17 letting_go1 Begging for D4

Hi! I am a 16yo boy from a small town in Romania that only lives with his mother and I can't afford the game.
I will be as honest as I possibly can and straight to the point - I am begging for a stranger to gift me the game/the money to be able to play the game.
I have the PC to play the game - RTX 2060 and an i7-8700 (bought it back in 2020) but don't have the money. All the money that I have received for my birthday I spent on getting a new keyboard and a new mouse. I am not in desperate need for money , I have everything I need (food,water,clothes,shoes,a computer) BUT there is this one thing that has been permanently on my mind ever since I have heard about it - D4. I have played D2 with my father (back when he was still alive) and have absolutely loved it. I honestly didnt know about the existence of D4 until 30th May when I was casually talking with one of my friends and he brought up D4 which was releasing in 3 days. Ever since I keep watching streams,guides,videos, everything I can about the game yet I don't have the money to buy it.
I am currently the only guy in the friend group that doesnt own the game and I am desperately begging for it.
I am unable to wait anymore and as you can see, I am willing to do anything for it. It's currently 07:13 AM here when posting this and I couldn't sleep all night due to thinking about D4.
The only possible way of me getting enough money to buy the game is by stealing mom's money, and that's just irrational.
So, if u want to help a desperate,lazy (I could be on the streets begging right now) 16yo kid fuel his future addiction send me a PM!
submitted by letting_go1 to diablo4 [link] [comments]

2023.06.09 06:16 Paristulip Dear DKI,

Please stop calling your childhood days as dark patch in public..if it's bad phase keep it with need to tell the world.You yourself have gone through separation..u should understand and show little respect to them..your mother does so much for you... And please note even if inlaws and all are v good and devta,still noone can replace place of your parents... specially mother... Please love ur mother and stop doing this ammmi ammmi.. I know you lurk here or anyone from her pr team... please convey this message to her..
V v bad of her to always blame her parents and dki's mom also don't know y behaving like doormat..
Look at much he loves his parents,camera k liye hi but kitna affection dikhaata hai please suggest you to b a good daughter also like how u r the "best wife","best daughter in law ","best bhabhi "etc
submitted by Paristulip to JanabMadamIbrahim [link] [comments]

2023.06.09 06:14 TargetBrief6235 Great Dane Zoomies!

Great Dane Zoomies!
So here’s the thing! I bought my mother a Great Dane 2 years ago now as a gift and he is absolutely fantastic! Such a goofball, loving, sweet boy! But he has crazy zoomies and has to do everything at full speed! I have owned XXL breeds in the past from English mastiffs, Newfies, and Leonbergers and I would say that by far our current Great Dane has the most energy! Does anyone else have a similar experience!? My family loves him to death but with my parents getting older I wanted a very calm and mellow dog haha! Just curious about your guys experiences! And yes I know he is still partly a puppy at only 2!
submitted by TargetBrief6235 to greatdanes [link] [comments]

2023.06.09 06:07 LucyAriaRose My best friend thought that shoving her breast down my daughter's throat to calm her down was completely ok.

I am not the Original Poster. That is u/CandyNinja900. She posted in offmychest
Trigger Warning: delusion; threat of kidnapping
Mood Spoiler: disturbing
Original Post: May 31, 2023
Title: My best friend thought that shoving her breast down my daughter's throat to calm her down was completely ok.
Basically what the title says. I have a daughter of 10 months. Me (30f) and my best friend (31f) have always been super close, and she helped a lot during my pregnancy and after childbirth. So it always came naturally to me to ask her for help, till she became some kind of nanny for my daughter when needed. She's always been very eager and happy to help, since she has no children of her own (she had a miscarriage in the past and stopped trying afterwards).
So we were at a mutual friend wedding yesterday, and I was holding my daughter for quite some time, since she hates strollers. My best friend came to me and offered to take her for a while, so that I could take a break and go chat with some friends. I agreed and wholeheartedly thanked her.
After twenty minutes or so, I come back to where we were, and she wasn't there. So I start looking for her in the garden, and she was literally nowhere to be found. Finally after another ten minutes I manage to find her, and I see her talking to some people while holding my baby with her boob shoved down my daughter's throat.
I literally tried my best to keep my composure and not to scream, so I went to her and said that we needed to talk. After reaching a quiet place, I yelled wtf was wrong with her and why was she nursing my daughter. She looked at me in disbelief, and she replied that she understood that it was the best way to calm my daughter, and that there's nothing wrong about it, adding that she could very well be her daughter. Wtf???? I was shocked, but we couldn't keep up the conversation because we needed to get back inside for the wedding cake. I told her that we would have continued the discussion later on.
We never did, but we agreed to meet today in a couple of hours. Honestly, I'm so f--kin mad. Wtf?????? Why did she had to do it?? I don't even f--kin know what to tell her without raging at her. It's been nearly a day and this thought never left my mind not even for a second. How could she say that "there's was nothing wrong with it"??? I feel like she violated my daughter, and she gave literally zero f- about it. I'm trying to arrange my thoughts before talking to her. I hope I don't end up hitting her. I'm nearly bursting out.
Edit: 5 hours later
So we met and we talked. I let her talk first. She explained that my daughter was restless while she was talking to a couple of women, and they said that maybe she was hungry and it was fine for them to keep talking while she was breastfeeding, so she I went straight to the point: what she did was completely f--ked up. No excuses. She told me that she didn't agree and that she did nothing wrong. She said that she tried everything in the past and nothing worked except for her breasts, which were the only things that calmed her down, so she just did what she always had done. I literally couldn't believe it. I asked her what was wrong with her for doing such a thing behind my back and why the f-ck among all things she thought that she could dry nurse my daughter. She replied back saying that she was just doing what she thought was best for the baby and doing what my daughter wanted, adding that she didn't think she needed to inform me of such thing, since she's quite a second mother to her. I was losing it, but she continued. She added that she wasn't dry nursing her, since a while ago after using pumps and dry nursing her she started to lactate a little, saying that the supply was still low but that in a while I could leave breastfeeding to her and stop doing it and worrying about it.
I was LIVID, but she didn't even realize, she was completely clueless like absorbed in her own world. Like not even realizing that what she did was wrong. So I stood up from the table, and told her that she was completely insane and that she was creeping me out. I told her that she wasn't allowed near my daughter anymore and to never contact me again, or I would report everything to the police.
She started crying saying that I couldn't cut her off from our daughter's life, so I lost it and shouted at her that it's not her goddamn baby but it was ME who popped her out, it was ME who was pregnant for 9 months and she was MY daughter, and not hers, and left.
I'm just completely shocked. I don't even think shocked can completely describe what I'm feeling now. I received a couple of texts from her begging to reconsider it and asking to see my daughter. I told her to stop contacting me, and blocked her. If I receive another message or call or anything like that I will report everything to the police. I'm just disgusted. She was my best friend. Why did she do something like this? I'm completely speechless.
I'm editing this post again if something happens, but I just hope nothing is going to happen honestly. I just want to puke.
Update Post 1: June 1, 2023 (Next Day)
After trying for most of the last evening to contact me on social medias, this morning she showed up at my front door. I told her that she needed to leave, because I didn't want to call the police on her. She started crying babbling why I was treating her this way and why I was keeping her away from my daughter, since she did nothing wrong. I told her that everything she did was wrong, because she did all of this behind my back. She can't be her mother, and she can't take over as the only one breastfeeding. It was delusional even just thinking something like this.
She responded saying that my daughter needed her breasts and that her milk will be surely by far better than mine for the baby. If this wasn't enough, she said that she was worried because my breasts are too small to feed her properly and to please stop being selfish and start thinking what's really better for my daughter, concluding saying that she was fine with me breastfeeding her until she reached a sufficient supply but then I should leave the responsibility to her if I wanted my daughter to grow healthy. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I wasn't even mad. I couldn't believe it was my best friend the one who was saying such bulls--t.
She was talking really loud and I guess my daughter heard that because she started crying. And she took it as a sign that my daughter was calling for HER. WTF.
She only left when I was dialing the police, saying that I shouldn't treat her like this and that she's only doing what's best for my daughter.
I'm done. I can't take this s--t anymore. I contacted a mutual friend and I told her everything, emphasizing that she needs help. She agreed to talk to her and see what's going on. In the meanwhile, I'll go to the police and try to file for a RO, and I will talk to a pediatrician as soon as possible. I can't live peacefully like this, and I'm starting to get worried for my daughter.
Many, many thanks to each one who showed support/offered advice, and I will update again if something comes up
Relevant Comments:
Can you contact her parents?
"Unfortunately I don't know her parents, and I don't know how to get in touch with her ex husband. I asked the mutual friend if she perhaps knows something more"
Is she even lactating or is that a delusion as well?
"I honestly don't know. Just the thought of her inducing lactation using my daughter makes me shiver. But my daughter gets very frustrated when she gets no milk immediately from sucking, at least with me, so I don't really know what to think. Edit: thinking about it I do think that her breasts have gotten bigger, since I saw her nearly everyday. I don't know if inducing lactation cause breasts to grow just like pregnancy, or if I just made a blunder"
The horrible smaller breasts comment:
"It was so uncalled for and just plain stupid. I couldn't believe she said something like that since she always has been very smart. Yes, she's embarrassingly busty but she never bragged about them not even once, and being busty has nothing to do with breastfeeding. I never had issues feeding my baby. I really have no idea where this thing came from. It doesn't seem like something she would say, like all the rest of it.. And for the record, I don't regard mine as small.. In fact I think they're too big.."
"I'm indeed considering staying at a hotel for the time being, I'm trying to organize everything. She has a copy of the house keys and I don't think I can change the locks swiftly"
How much about you and your codes/info/locks does she know?
"She's been my best friend for more than 20 years and she's been with me nearly everyday before and after childbirth. If she doesn't know everything, she knows a good 99% of that everything.."
Why wouldn't you know how to contact her parents/ex-husband after knowing her 20 years?
"I never wrote about not knowing her ex husband. I don't know where you read that. I do know her ex husband but since the divorce I never spoke to him nor I have means to contact him. I asked the mutual friend if she knows something more perhaps his address or telephone number since I can't find him on social medias. Regarding her parents, I don't know them so welll, when we were younger she had a live-in nanny and she's the only person related to her that I knew personally, since she was the one who took her to school or to the playground were we met to play in the past. I only met her parents once, but we never spoke. From what she told me, she always had a strained relationship with her parents because they were always busy working. But it was a delicate topic so we never talked much about it. I could try contacting the nanny but I should try to find her on social medias"
Update Post 2: June 2, 2023 (next day, so two days after OG post)
So, I came back home this morning after spending the night at a nearby hotel. I didn't feel safe staying alone in my house, since she had a copy of the keys. Even if I have a surveillance system I didn't want to take the risk. The first thing I did when I came back was calling an emergency locksmith, explained the situation, and they arrived and did the job swiftly. I felt so much safer knowing that she can't get in anymore. I checked the house but I was exactly as I left it yesterday, and after checking the surveillance tapes I was sure she didn't pay me a visit. I informed my close neighbors about what happened, and they were very understanding and helpful. I then met up with the mutual friend, and she updated me on the talk she had with her.
She told me that she visited her at home this morning, because she wanted to talk to her face to face since she thought I was a little bit overreacting. Well, she went, my best friend greeted her and they started chatting a little before she invited her in. So far so good, until they sat down and my best friend asked her if they could keep talking while she pumped because she needed to get her supply running. Our mutual friend played dumb, saying that it wasn't a problem but she asked why she needed to pump if she doesn't have childrens. She replied back saying that she indeed has a daughter and that she was surprised that I didn't tell the mutual friend about it. She then pointed out that it was my daughter and that even if she didn't gave birth to her she still consider her as her baby too, and that she needed mama's (referring to her) milk to grow healthy. She kept going saying that she had no choice but pumping because I was being sassy and inconsiderate and I wasn't letting her breastfeed our baby, but that she couldn't be inconsiderate like I was and she needed to get her supply to a sufficient level, but that she was sure that I would change my mind in no time since I'm not stupid and I know that her breasts are better for our daughter.
She told me that she couldn't believe what she was hearing, and that she couldn't believe that all of this was true. But what it shocked her the most was the fact that she was indeed lactating, she wasn't producing much but she was indeed pumping breastmilk. She tried to talk to her but it wasn't no use, she just wasn't listening, and after a while trying she just said that there was nothing wrong in what she was doing and that she was just being a good mother, and after that she asked her to leave because she needed to relax while pumping. Unfortunately she forgot about asking for the keys of my house, but fortunately I was able to change the locks this morning.
I honestly wasn't surprised hearing all of that. But still, it was very, very depressing. She was completely shocked and she couldn't understand what happened, since apart from this she seemed completely normal.
I then asked her to accompany me to the police, and unfortunately there aren't no extremes yet to file for a RO, not even a temporary one. According to what they told me where I live solid proofs of harassment, stalking, etc need to be presented, and the surveillance tapes/texts (which are the only things I have) don't show no harassment or clear evidence that she's stalking me. So the only thing I could was file a formal complaint of what happened, and did that. They told me that they will keep an eye on the situation, and they will check my neighborhood more frequently to be sure nothing happens.
And that's it for now. The mutual friend will stay at my house for a couple of days to help me recover from what happened, also to wait for my parents to arrive.
Unfortunately she doesn't know her parents, but she found a way to contact her ex husband, and I will contact him tomorrow to ask for help. It's been a while and I hope he's willing to.
I also booked an appointment with the pediatrician, and I will get my daughter checked next week.
I will stop making updates for a while. I need to get my s--t together, plan what to do next, and take care of my daughter. Fortunately enough my parents are coming to help me, and I'm really really relieved. I don't think I can keep facing this situation alone.
People of reddit, thank you very much, really. You gave me wonderful advices and support, and it really helped. I will update you after the situation settles down a bit, and I really hope it does. Thanks again, and bye for now.
submitted by LucyAriaRose to BestofRedditorUpdates [link] [comments]

2023.06.09 06:05 SPRDPRDTS Thank you AEW! What they did for my daughter.

My daughter loves to watch AEW wrestling with me and since day 1 her favorite wrestler is Sammy Guevara. She has the merch, his toys, every time Sammy is on TV she loses it. I took her to a WWE show about a month ago and didn't know anyone besides Cody Rhodes. I offered to buy her a Cody shirt (she eventually bought a weight belt, autographed photo, necklace for and foam skull) but she only wanted to wear her Sammy shirt, even though he doesn't wrestle for WWE because, that's her guy. Since then she keeps asking me to take her to an AEW show and they came close enough to Colorado Springs, so I got tickets without telling her. I reached out to Sammy (he knows she's a huge fan) and he and his beautiful wife knew they would not be at the show, but he and Tay sent het a personal message telling her she'll be going to watch Dynamite live. The event was amazing. She cheered through all night of ROH, Dynamite and Rampage. After the Rampage main event she was invited into the ring to celebrate with the Acclaimed and Daddy Ass. She was also gifted a ring used turnbuckle from Double or Nothing. Plus she got to bring home her Daddy Ass blood stained foam finger. Again, thank you AEW.
submitted by SPRDPRDTS to SquaredCircle [link] [comments]

2023.06.09 05:54 ceruleanmug suspected nmom and i need to put this down somewhere.

Hi. Just joined, and I needed a space to talk about what I've been experiencing for most of my life. I don't know if my mom fits into the description but I don't know how else to address / manage all of this in the long term and I guess I just wanted perspective from a community that's had more experience with this. It's hard to adequately summarise my experience because I've deliberately obscured many memories for the sake of my emotional wellbeing but I want to try. I'm just trying to get the words out of me, so I'm sorry if it doesn't read well.
For as long as I've known I've had a difficult relationship with my mom. It's a lot of different factors. I'm 23 and nonbinary. When I was younger I had a very headstrong personality and I saw my mom as someone who was very similar. She wasn't around a lot, because both my parents worked and my grandmother (dad's mom) stayed with us to look after my sister and I. I don't remember explicitly being very loving to her, although I suppose I must have loved her because I didn't really get too terrible emotionally until I was maybe 13 or so. She was trained as an English teacher, and took a strong hand in my early education. I was reading and writing very early, and I'm graduating college this year as an English major with Honours, highest distinction. I acknowledge her influence in my success. But from what I can remember is she used to make me join her private classes with older students, and we used to clash during those classes because I would question the content and she wasn't happy with that. When I got a bit older and her teaching centre closed down she would do the classes at home with my sister and I to get us to be more educated on current topics, but a lot of those "classes" often devolved into her criticising my dad and his family (less educated than herself) behind their back, and then criticising my sister and I. Don't remember why, but I know I used to run off to the bathroom to cry afterwards pretty often.
It's hazy afterwards. When I was in my teens we continued to have a difficult time getting along. I think it was maybe a lot of disagreements and criticisms. She would tell me I was fat and didn't dress well and that I had a bad personality. My sister often echoed that a lot. She would make us go shopping together and buy clothes that I didn't feel comfortable in. It was doubly hard because I was grappling with my gender identity at the time and suffering from a lot of dysphoria. I remember starting Amy Tan's The Joy Luck Club for Literature class and taking my teacher aside and telling her I didn't know if I could get through the class because I had a really difficult relationship with my mother and I found it really hard to get through the book. She was a really good teacher though, she supported me a lot through that time. In 2016, the year I was doing my nationals and graduating secondary school, my mom disappeared. She had joined some kind of religious group and (we believe) gone overseas with them. She made it out like she was going to be gone for 2 weeks, which became a month, which became... I want to say about 9 months. I think it was like 6 months, then she came back for a bit, then another couple of months. Don't remember exactly. She lied to her parents (who are also very emotionally manipulative and difficult... when they love us they love us but they can be very hard to handle when they don't get their way. they loved me and my sister but when they finally had male grandchildren. well.) about where she was and when she would return. They bombarded her with messages. Mom messaged me and told me to tell her parents things about what she was doing, which was difficult because she was also lying to me and the lies didn't match up and they didn't believe. And I couldn't give them the answer they wanted because I didn't know anything. So for a year, one of the most important years of my life, my grandparents made my life hell. They'd message me, they'd come to my school looking for me, they'd take me out to meals and tell me all about how they were going to die soon and that they needed us to have a good relationship and that I should be grateful that my parents never abused me and I should beg, literally get on my knees and beg, my mother to come home. It got so bad that I, being unfortunately emotionally fragile and quite active on social media, had multiple breakdowns on Facebook, which led my aunt (dad's sister) to call my dad and show him what was going on and he had to ask me if I wanted to stop seeing my grandparents.
But mom eventually came back, and we sort of pretended it didn't happen. Case closed. The next couple of years are a big fog in my memory because I was having a really bad time mentally because of school. So I totally don't remember having any major interactions with mom. Which is good actually.
Then I went to uni. I moved into student housing and getting out of the house was so great. At home I shared the bed in mom's room, and my workspace was wherever I could find some space on a table. So to have my own room (half; shared with a roommate) with my own bed and my own table was super freeing. Mom couldn't let me go. She wanted me home every weekend, bought me a ton of stuff I didn't need, asked me for a copy of my room key. She never used it, but I was afraid for a whole year that she would just walk in when she wanted to. These four years of undergrad, I've become a different person, I'm more confident, I came out, made friends, studied hard, figured out how to dress myself, how to do makeup, everything. Being away from her was amazing.
But mom's fallen into a pattern. She's been disappearing again, months at a time, away more often than not. When she comes back she immediately inserts herself into our lives and starts criticising us; how the house looks, how we've been eating. She buys me gifts I don't like, clothes or earrings. Sister and I think she might be in some kind of religious cult but we don't want to get into that. She hasn't had a full conversation with dad in years. I've tried a few times to engage her in conversation about how her actions have affected us and how she's been emotionally abusive but she won't hear any of it. She said she's been to therapy; I don't think it's real actual therapy, she's more aware of how she was emotionally abused by her parents but won't admit that she was abusive to us. From what she says it sounds like she's more open about painting herself as the victim but that she's better than all of it because she never beat my sister and I. Which is a low bar. We had an argument in a Uniqlo about it. Any time she talks about how she was as a parent she makes it out like she's a really great parent because she didn't do any of the things her parents did. I've just stopped trying.
My boyfriend is of a different race and religion (I am not white, but majority race in my country). When I told my parents they were a little weirded out, but mom didn't say anything about it until months later. She just asked me a few questions, and I thought it was fine. We were getting along, we were having ice cream, just the two of us. Then I told her parents. And they lost it. Messaging me really racist things for over a month. Made my aunts speak to me about it. Eventually I had to insinuate that the relationship wasn't serious and that we broke up and I think they bought it. Of course they also messaged mom. And one weekend when I was home she woke me up in the morning to yell at me about it, and she said a lot of really racist things too, and told me to say anything to my grandparents to get them off her back. Not mine. Not a single word in my defense.
I know this whole post is just... things. Just conversations or events. I don't know how to say how she's made me feel for most of my adolescent life. I don't know how to tell you how bad my mental health was. I don't even know if I'm just pretending not to remember things or if I'm blowing things out of proportion or if I fed myself a different memory so well it feels real. I just know I can't talk to her anymore. She recently returned from a two month trip, during which she spent her birthday and mother's day away from us, and she's back to acting like nothing happened, showering me with gifts, insisting that she'll pick me up from whatever event, cooking meals, and I just can't talk to her anymore. I can't love her, no matter if she does love me. I am so tired and worn out and I want to walk away, want to focus on my career and my own development, look after my dad and sister and boyfriend without her and her side of the family in the picture, but I can't. She's my mom. She couldn't even be fucked to commit to coming to my graduation event when I invited her, just said "Get the seat for me and we'll see." I'm going back tonight to share a bed with her again. I'm a better and different person, except when I'm in her presence. I just wanted my mom to love me and support me. Even if I was a difficult teenager. Even if I'm nonbinary and queer and in an interracial relationship. But I can't, I don't know how to fix things or make it better for myself in the long term.
submitted by ceruleanmug to raisedbynarcissists [link] [comments]

2023.06.09 05:34 Apprehensive_Sand194 How can my mother in law start charging her ex boyfriend rent legally

I’m not sure if this is allowed here, please remove if it’s not. My mother in law has dated this guy for about 8 years, about 6 of those years he and his young daughter have lived in the home with her completely for free. He doesn’t have a job, he takes her money for food and cigarettes and whatever else. They recently broke up but he refuses to leave, he got a job for about a week but got fired so he is back to taking her food and money. She can’t afford to have him evicted so is there a way she can force him to start paying rent to continue living there? And considering he can’t hold a job, he won’t be able to pay rent, will this help her at all? Would she still have to pay to have him evicted? The biggest problem for me is that it’s gotten to the point where she has just borrowed $2000 from me to pay the mortgage that she’s behind on just so she doesn’t lose the house.
submitted by Apprehensive_Sand194 to rental [link] [comments]

2023.06.09 05:28 storiesof-adreamer 25 [F4M] #Nashville/USA - Looking for my special subby boyfriend for a GFD long term relationship!

(If this post is still up, I'm still looking!)
Hey there. I really want to develop a female led/slight gentle femdom relationship with a special guy.
When a lot of men see the term "female led relationship," they think, "Oh, the woman will make all the decisions with no input on what I think/want."
Are there dynamics like that? I'm sure there is. Personally, I'm not looking to be "the boss" or "above" you in any way. I want us to be equal... but have you give up control to me in a few other ways. :)
What do I mean? Keep reading on!
You can call me Dreamer for now. (I'll tell you my real name once we get to know each other) Please do NOT call me Miss, Master, Dominatrix or Ma'am.
I'm 25 years old and an INFJ-T. I live in Nashville, Tennessee, USA (AKA Music City) and I'm on Central Standard Time. I'm a Black woman and I stand 5 feet, 7 inches tall. My eyes are brown and I wear glasses. I don't have any tattoos or piercings at the moment.
One thing I want to mention is that I'm plus size, AKA a bigger girl. I'm undergoing a vertical sleeve gastrectomy in two months to lose the excess weight I have in a sustainable and permanent way. I'm ready to regain my body and be healthy and confident again. I'd love to have you by my side throughout my journey!
As far as personality goes, I'd describe myself as empathetic and sweet. I like to help others as much as I can. In person, I tend to be rather shy at first. People tend to mistake that for weakness or gullibility. I'm anything but; my strength lies in introspection and quiet observation. I notice every nuance of a person's actions, words, body language, vibe... my intuition hasn't steered me wrong yet!
I won't go into detail on every single interest that I have but I'll talk about my biggest ones that you'll likely hear me mention the most.
I've been writing since I was six years old, but I started taking it seriously around 13 years old. All in all, it's been 19 years. As of right now, I primarily write Fanfiction but in the past, I've written short stories, poetry and I even tried to learn how to write screenplays at one point.
I wrote my first full-length book in 2018/2019. I started the sequel in early 2020, but I'm still working on it. I lost a LOT of inspiration during the pandemic but I'm finally writing for it again.
If you also enjoy writing, I'd love to "talk shop" with you and maybe we can exchange some of our past works.
Music has gotten me through a lot over the years. Yeah, yeah, I know everyone says that. But it truly has. It's shaped my life and introduced me to a lot of things and people that I probably never would've done or met otherwise.
There's no point in saying I like xyz genre because I've listened to pretty much everything. The only ones I truly hate are country and gangster rap. If you want specifics, though... I've been a HUGE twenty one pilots fan for 9 years. (I have more merch, stickers and other random shit than I care to admit to lmao) I also love other artists like Amber Run, Purity Ring, Phantogram, Daughter, Lorde, OneRepublic... plus tons more.
I've always had this dumb idea of a guy and I confessing to each other through playlists with songs that make us think fondly about each other...
God, I'm single.
I've been into photography for 10 years and I've had my DSLR for eight years. (It's definitely the camera version of 'Ol Reliable) I enjoy nature and portrait photography. I'd love to show you some of my work and get your thoughts on it.
TV genres I like: Animation (like Spongebob), comedy, drama, documentaries (disaster and crime ones are my favorites), true crime (like Forensic Files), old sitcoms (like Sanford and Son) and cooking and baking competitions/reality TV (like Kitchen Nightmares US and UK, Hell's Kitchen, Master Chef, The Great British Baking Show, etc)
Movie genres I like: Animation, drama, comedy, action, psychological thrillers and science fiction. I thoroughly loved The Greatest Showman so one could say I like musicals but it's the only one I've seen so not sure if that really counts. Comic book movies are pretty alright too, but I really haven't seen anything past the first Avengers movie lmaooooo.
I say this as unpretentiously as possible, but I haven't seen most popular TV shows or movies that your average person likes. I think the last "popular" thing I watched was that Jeffrey Dahmer series on Netflix. (mainly out of morbid curiosity because everyone was freaking out about it... and because I think Evan Peters is a cutie) I only saw a few episodes and then forgot to watch the rest of it, but it wasn't as horrific as everyone was saying. Maybe I've watched too much Forensic Files and I'm desensitized lmao.
✨️Video and computer games✨️
Video game genres I like: Adventure, action-adventure, RPGs & JRPGs, Strategy... basically anything that is relatively fun and not horror related.
Some of my all-time favorites: Kingdom Hearts II, Ratchet and Clank, Journey, Final Fantasy VII and Final Fantasy X.
As far as computer games, the only thing I play on a regular basis is The Sims 2 and The Sims 4. As a kid, I loved simulator and time-management games; some old favorites are the RCT series, Simcity: Rush Hour, the first four Diner Dash games, the Delicious series and Burger Shop 2 (which I still have on my computer actually lmao)
✨️Other random interests✨️
Art, traveling, people watching, researching random topics on Wikipedia and watching YouTube, especially channels with old shows and movies.
My last position was working nights at a psychiatric hospital. I'm looking for something new at the moment.
I'm officially a college student at 25. Yay! Feel free to ask me more about it, I'd love to talk.
I really love dogs and cats. I have three cats and they're little demons but I love them to death. I also love small animals like ferrets, bunnies and snakes!
My main love languages are words of affirmation, quality time and gift giving/receiving. To be honest, though, there's elements of each language that I enjoy or relate to in one way or another.
I don't smoke and I drink every so often. Otherwise, I'm vaccinated and DDF.
I'm looking for a guy between the ages of 23-33 years old. I might be willing to talk to someone within two years in either direction (so 21 min and 35 max) if you meet all my other preferences/wants. If you're younger than 21 or older than 35, though, please don't contact me.
Please be single and emotionally available. I won't interact with anyone already in a relationship or married (even if you're separated or in a "dead bedroom," you're STILL married) and I'm especially not interested in poly/ENM. I'm 100% monogamous.
Hair is super important to me! I prefer medium length to long hair, something I can stroke and play with a lot lmao.
I have a REALLY big soft spot for blue and/or doe eyes, but don't let that deter you. If you have kind eyes, I'll fall in love with them, no matter their color!
I tend to like softer facial features and even softer personalities. Are you super masculine in public but a total softie in private? Lovely! Are you less masculine but a little more feminine? Great! Are you androgynous or otherwise fall somewhere in between? I can dig it!
Key traits that I like in a guy include, but are not limited to: Being sweet, gentle, empathetic, considerate, an active listener, exceptional at communication and willing to go the extra mile for those that you love, be it family, friends, your partner, etc.
With that being said, it's important that you have time for me. I'm not expecting us to talk 24/7 but if you're always too busy to talk to me, this won't work. At some point, I'd like for us to also talk on the phone as our schedules permit, of course.
As I mentioned in the beginning of this post, please be from the USA/North America and willing to meet and get to know each other in person ASAP.
It's important to me that you're an active listener; what I mean is that you'll make an effort to listen to what I have to say and respond to it accordingly. If I tell you my thoughts on a matter or ask you a question or give you a compliment etc etc, please respond to it. It makes me feel so sad and small if I feel like my thoughts or opinions are not important/relevant.
I can tell pretty quickly if someone is genuinely interested in me or not. Like I said before, I notice everything lol.
I mentioned earlier how one of my love languages is words of affirmation. One of the ways I enjoy that is through compliments. I'm not looking for you to worship the ground I walk on, but being told "You look beautiful" or "When you do xyz, that makes me really happy" makes me feel SO seen and appreciated.
It's incredibly frustrating to send a picture of myself and get a lukewarm response in return. :(
Affection is also super important to me. Holding hands, hugging, kissing, cuddling, touching... all the cute couple shit. I want you to touch me, not in a pervy way, but in an affectionate way. I want to stroke your hair while I hold you close... little things like that make me incredibly happy.
Keep in mind, everything I want from you, I'll give to you in return. I'll always listen and acknowledge you, give you compliments, shower you in affection, plus whatever else makes you feel wanted and appreciated as a person and in a relationship.
I always want you to have a choice and be able to voice your opinion. I will never degrade or boss you around in general, but especially when it comes to your personal choices. I'm a switch that used to be a predominant sub and believe me, I've had doms tell me before, "I make the decision on what you wear, what to eat, who you hang out with, etc etc... because I'm your dom and what I say goes."
Some people may like that. More power to them. But I'm not like that. I want you to feel free to express yourself. If you want my opinion, I'll give it to you, of course. But my job is to build you up and support your decisions, no matter how small!
Again, I'm not looking for you to kiss my ass. I'd love for you to take the lead on most decisions (with my input, of course). But I want you to also have a "service" attitude; whether that's helping out with household chores or surprising me with a massage after work or giving me flowers "just because" or helping me paint my toenails lol... just to name some examples. The sky's the limit.
That extends to "the bedroom" as well. I want my pleasure to be just as important to you as yours is to me.
In short? I just want to feel doted on and taken care of. I want to be the most important person in your life and you be the most important person in my life. I want to make you feel special and praise you and tell you how much you mean to me. And I want the same in return. 💓
● "KINKS" ●
This is inevitably gonna come up at some point. I'll say when it comes to my "kinks" (if you want to call them that) I like:
Teasing, edging, telling you when you can cum and begging me for it (I believe it's called orgasm control/denial), moaning, praise, blindfolds, eye contact, body worshiping (you and me), breast worship, oral, fingering and using toys on you.
Been a little curious about pegging someone one day. We'd have to build up to it, of course, because I don't want to hurt you. If you're not into that, though, don't worry! It's definitely not a requirement.
Things I do NOT like (or hard limits) are:
Humiliation, degradation, anything that causes you or me physical, emotional and mental harm, blood, pee, scat, vomit, diapers, CNC, ageplay, raceplay, hitting, slapping, choking or anything else illegal, unethical or otherwise unloving.
If you read all of this, good job! Here's a cookie, hope you like chocolate chip. 🍪
Seriously, though, I can't name every little thing I want. Despite the length of this post, I'm not trying to play Build-A-Boy. I realize you have your own caveats and that's totally fine. Let's get to know each other and see what happens. All I ask for, again, is that you want a serious, longterm relationship and not view me as just some sort of "kink dispenser."
Chats or DMs are fine. When you send me a message, please include the following...
• Name or alias • Location • Age • Height, body type, hair cololength, eye color • Your interests/hobbies • Whether you're a sub or a switch • What you're looking for out of a relationship and something (or things) you really enjoyed about my post • A clear, SFW picture of yourself • Your current favorite song (so I know you actually read through all of this) • Whatever else you want to add to catch my attention. The more you can match my "detailed energy," the better.
I won't reply to those who ignore my preferences or the message requirements above. If you send me nudes/dick pics/sexting or FWB requests/rude messages, you will be blocked and reported.
Thank you so much for reading this, and I hope you have a good night!
(P.S. I don't use Snap, Kik, Telegram, WhatsApp and whatever else. I use Discord and I only give my cell number out to people that I'm comfy with.)
submitted by storiesof-adreamer to r4r [link] [comments]

2023.06.09 05:23 Puzzled_Row_508 I want to stop daughter having contact with MIL

DH and myself have been together fpr 15 years - married 4. MIL and myself havent seen eye to eye for most of this - DH thinks it's because she doesnt like him so she doesnt really like me and he doesnt rely on her loke BIL does.
A bit of background of just a few things shes done, shes called me names e.g. tramp. Ignored me on my wedding day, backed out my my baby shower last minute because she had a better offer (went to both BILs GF's), sent presents to BIL monthly for both of his babies - wipes/nappies/clothes. GAVE BIL $3000 for moving out, we didnt even get a card. Paid a significant amount towards BILs wedding, we didnt even get a gift and she ignored me the entire day. Posts all over facebook about other 2 grandbabies but nothing about mine. The list is endless.
2 years ago we had a little girl, i tried to reconcile but she couldnt be bothered. I have let her have limited contact with my daughter but to be honest it angers me that she gets to treat us so bad but still expects to have a relationship with her. My partner has confronted her but she throws it back at him and says hes playing the victim. Hes broke down many times about this and ive told him this is toxic and ive now said i dont want my daughter having contact, i dont want her having the same mental struggles he has. He feels like he owes her something because shes his mum (barely likes her himself) and says im wrong because i just dont like her. I need non-biased opinions - am i wrong for wanting to stop contact?
submitted by Puzzled_Row_508 to AITA_Relationships [link] [comments]

2023.06.09 05:23 Dr_Girlfriend_81 People who have been harassed/stalked long-term: how do you handle it?

I dated a guy in high school and college for about 3 1/2 years. He had a LOT of really life-altering mental health issues start showing up in that last year and a half and though I really did try, I just couldn't handle taking care of him anymore, and we broke up in late 2002.
He had never been abusive in any way when we were together. Didn't say mean shit or hit me or anything like that. But the stalking and harassing began immediately after we broke up. He'd leave gifts of money and my favorite candies in my mailbox or have his best friend call and tell me how much he missed me. But then he'd also personally call my parents and tell them what a whore I was. He would park at the end of my 1/4 mile driveway and just sit there for half an hour. He had some girl I hadn't ever even met send me threatening calls and emails. He started some pretty abhorrent rumors and turned a lot of our friends against me. He stopped by my work several times, he conveniently ran into me in public...he was just a constant factor in my life (and like I even need to say it, the cops were no help).
This went on for TWO YEARS before it finally started tapering off. He slashed my husband's tires on our wedding night in 2004, and then I didn't hear from him again until he called me at my mom's house a year and a half later (how the hell did he know I was there?) to congratulate me on having my daughter.
Since then, it's been about every 2-5 years that I hear from him. He'll find some way to contact me online or I'll have old high school friends warn me that he's snooping around and asking questions about me or he'll make some deranged post about/to me on facebook (I obviously have him blocked and have my shit locked down tight) and people will send me screenshots. And every time, I'll get on edge again, wondering if this is gonna be the time he finally snaps. We dated for 3 1/2 short years. But he hasn't left me alone in 21 years. I'm so tired.
submitted by Dr_Girlfriend_81 to TwoXChromosomes [link] [comments]

2023.06.09 05:22 chronic-venting Supporting Survivors of Domestic Violence CrimethInc

- Recipes for Disaster: An Anarchist Cookbook
Helping Women and Society Escape Violent Relationships
Women exist in a "domesticated" combat zone. On any given day in the United States, an average of 480 women will be raped, 5,760 women will be assaulted, and 4 will be murdered by a [cis] male partner. Domestic violence [against women] is an assault on women's bodies and minds by those who claim to love them and love to claim them. The success of this violence depends on the complicity of community. If we intend to bring about true liberation, we must foster explicitly antiauthoritarian behavior in both personal and political life. No hierarchy is acceptable and no domination is justifiable—not even "behind closed doors." Because one in four women will be assaulted (likely including someone you love), we must wage war on domestic violence. We serve to empower our communities best by fighting the violence and hierarchy closest to home… or in the home.
Stage One: Helping Her
Educate yourself. Domestic violence (DV) is rarely a single instance of battery, but instead a pattern of power and control. It may involve sexual or physical violence, or it may be a complex web of threats, property destruction, isolation, and emotional, financial, and mental abuse. Understanding this will help you recognize abuse if it comes without physical bruises.
If you are truly ready to have your mother, friend, or daughter tell you what is happening in her private life, invite her to come to you. If you are speaking against violence and rape, she will know you are ready. Wheatpaste neighborhoods with posters about domestic violence, hold street fairs against violence in residential neighborhoods, plaster infoshops and collective homes with signs that invite women into a safe space. If she, her children, or her animals are in immediate danger, however, you may need to approach her. Never approach the abuser: most abusers are paranoid and will quickly assume their victims have exposed them, and may retaliate against them.
Follow her lead. The most important thing you will do is be there for her, even if you feel useless. Trying to be a hero can only undermine her autonomy. Let her make her own decisions, even bad ones, and never tell her what to do. Give her back control: refuse to dominate her and recreate the abuse.
Give her a phone number or a way to contact you or someone in the community. Best is a cell phone that will always be on, or a collective house's number where someone is usually awake.
Let her talk. Don't wince or gasp: tales of [rape] and strangulation are not easy to listen to, but they are harder to tell. Survivors are often terrified of either tainting someone else's world with their trauma or not being believed. Tell her you believe her. You will be changed by what you hear; thank her for that. Confirm what may seem obvious.
An abuser spends a lot of time telling her she is crazy, and that no one would believe her. Tell her that you are listening, and offer eye contact and physical closeness if she is comfortable with it. Assure her that the way she feels is okay. There is no "normal" way to respond to abnormal acts of violence. Understand that the shield of invulnerability has been shattered (41% of rape victims and 89% of domestic violence victims expect to be assaulted again). She may be hyper-vigilant; the best way to help is to make her feel safe and legitimize/recognize her fears.
Focus on practical and immediate concerns. Where can one buy mace? What organizations work with DV issues? Ask her what she needs in order to leave: shelter? transportation? a job? childcare? money? Help her find these resources. Then ask what she needs to stay out of the relationship. For most women, it takes seven to fourteen attempts to leave their abusers. If she doesn't have the resources to stay gone, she may return because he can support her. Many abusers manipulate these needs. This is what makes DV such a pernicious crime: the perpetrator is the person who knows her best.
Address her immediate safety. If she is living with the abuser, make sure she has a plan to get out during a violent episode (contact your local coalition against DV for safety plans). Offer to keep personal papers and a packed suitcase for her and some extra money. Make sure she has a phone. An old cell phone without service can still dial 911 if charged. Consider establishing code words for her to use if she needs help, or other signals—a porch light off, for example, could let the neighbors know they should contact the police. If she doesn't live with her abuser, offer to find someone to stay with her or nearby. Do a safety check: make sure phone lines can't be cut, doors have deadbolts, and windows are nailed shut. If she wants to stay in hiding, help her cover her tracks by getting all mail sent to another address or post office box; offer to put your name on utilities. If she rides a bus or bike, find a car for her to borrow. Find community members who can do errands with her, pick her up from work, watch the children, etc. 90% of stalking cases are former intimate partners, not strangers.
The anti-DV movement started as an underground railroad of homes. Consider where she stays carefully. If the abuser knows where she is staying, she can feel like a sitting duck, especially if she stays with a [cis man]—an abuser's insecurity and suspicions can easily turn to rage. The majority of extreme violence and murder occur when the woman tries to leave, because the abuser feels he is losing control of her. Taking a survivor into your home is a serious commitment; unless you are prepared to internalize her constant vigilance and your home is very secure, she may be safer with someone else.
If she wants, help her use the legal system to file charges, obtain a protective order, file for custody, or get a divorce. Discuss the pros and cons of this in relation to safety, not politics. Until we develop an alternative, we cannot criticize a woman for using "the system." It is imperative, however, that she doesn't invest her safety or emotional wellbeing in the criminal justice system, as it often fails.
The community might want to deal with or "out" the abuser. Some communities have ostracized abusers, boycotted their businesses, refused to speak to them. You could make posters of his face, or spray paint his house. You can run abusers out of town, though understand this has the potential of resulting in his abusing someone somewhere else. You can threaten him with violence. No matter what is done, it must be acceptable to the survivor, because her well-being is at stake.
Stage Two: Helping Us
There are many steps we must take as communities and collectives to be welcoming and radicalizing spaces for survivors. At the same time, we must each take personal responsibility for shifting the public conscience toward abhorrence for violence. In a patriarchal state, violence toward and the rape of women prop up sexist oppression and exploitation. We cannot transform "rape culture" without committing ourselves to resisting and eradicating all patriarchy.
We must redefine sex and relationships away from terms of violence, power, domination and status. In our relationships we can try to create a new vocabulary that [prioritizes] consent and equality.
[Cis] men in particular need to organize. [Most] DV is a [cis] man's problem—women just suffer the consequences. A radical [cis] heterosexual male must give up the privileges of his gender—only then can he be approachable, only then will he be capable of offering meaningful help to a survivor. You cannot aid a survivor while allowing for other forms of sexism to prevail. [... Cis m]en can unlearn their gender construction and undermine patriarchy; imagine if every boy grew up around men who were struggling against patriarchy and violence.
Taheera called the police after Mark had threatened to take their five-month-old baby, Juan. There were bruises on her neck from a previous incident, and Mark was arrested. It had been Mark's idea to move to the city when Taheera was 3 months pregnant. Taheera started to go to a low-cost clinic for prenatal care, but stopped going when Mark accused her of sleeping with the doctor. The first time Mark hit her was after she made a list of baby names. He was jealous of the attention the baby was getting.
I am a social worker, and an agency referred her to me. When we first talked, Taheera kept looking behind her. I suggested she push her chair against the wall, and promised her that I would keep checking down the hallway for Mark (even though Mark was in jail and wasn't going to be coming).
She was scared of Mark and of what he might do to her and the baby, especially now that he had been arrested. Mark's job was their only source of income, and he might be fired if he didn't get out of jail soon. She had a lot of questions about the legal system and was curious to know if I had talked to other women who felt like she did. We talked about local groups and shelters that could help, but mostly I just listened. I gave her my number and a 24-hour crisis number. Taheera chose to bail Mark out, using all their savings, but not to speak with him. The state had Mark sign a "no contact order" telling him he couldn't contact her or move back home, so he got an apartment upstairs from Taheera and made a point of bringing lots of "bitches" home so Taheera would see. Taheera didn't show up to court and the case was dropped.
Two weeks later, Taheera called and said that Mark was upstairs, Juan was asking for him, and that she was trying to resist going up to him. She missed him. I simply listened, and told her, as best I could, that her feelings were normal. She kept asking, "What's wrong with me?" I tried to refocus on Mark's problems. Taheera finally agreed to walk downtown and sign up for a support group that had childcare. But she never did, and instead went upstairs to Mark.
Eight months later, Taheera called from a payphone. Mark had held a gun to her head because he was angry that they now lived together in the upstairs apartment but he still had to pay for the downstairs apartment. He cut the phone cord so she couldn't call out. Things had been okay for a while: Mark had let her get a job and was being a "good daddy." Taheera told me that she had left several times, but each time he had found her or threatened her family Taheera felt too tired to leave, and just wanted things to "stay sane."
Taheera decided to save up money. We met for lunch one afternoon and made a list of what to do, which I kept so Mark wouldn't see it. I also gave her an old cell phone to call 911, which she hid in a cabinet. She got a separate bank account and started funneling part of her paycheck into it. She told a neighbor what was happening and gave the neighbor a packed suitcase to keep for her. I researched Section 8 housing in her hometown, and had the papers sent to my office. Taheera asked me to look up domestic violence resources in her hometown on my computer, because Mark made a point of checking out which websites she had visited when he got home from work. Mark grew suspicious, probably because Taheera seemed to be happier. Mark started calling her work and hanging up, and kept this up until she was fired. He bought her a cell phone so he could call her repeatedly any time she was out. He started not letting her leave the house with Juan, so that she would have to come back. He took her car keys. Eight months before, Taheera might have given up, because Mark seemed to be catching on.
I don't know all the details, but one night Taheera got someone from her church to park outside the apartments and start shouting. Mark, easily annoyed, went out to shut them up, and she and Juan got their suitcases from the neighbors and left through a back door, where the church friend picked them up.
I don't know if Taheera's story is a success story, but it is a real story. Since then, Mark has found out where she lives and has gained visitation rights to Juan through a court. Mark has also assaulted her twice since she left, once running her and Juan off the road. Taheera, however, has broken her connection to Mark and broken the cycle of abuse. Sometimes I think about her friend from church and the neighbor, and wonder what would have happened without them.
Recently, she read an article about my being arrested for protesting and asked what I was doing. I told her that I fight violence and hierarchy on all levels and she muttered, "Oh." But yesterday she left a message saying she was reading a lot and did I have any favorite authors? I'm thinking Emma Goldman or a little Naomi Wolfe.
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